


Through The Valley

by dusty_cookie (dusty_curtain)



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Horror, Humor, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 89,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dusty_curtain/pseuds/dusty_cookie
Summary: A deeper look into The Sanctuary.Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Boy has a weird obsession with a baseball bat, promiscuity and the word "fuck". Girl has to find out if she can look past these things. Also, zombies and shit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 of my first fic involving our favorite Savior leader. This is more of a prologue and future chapters are going to be from Negan's and the OFC's point-of-view.

“Dwight calling in for Sanctuary. Anyone up yet?”

Dwight released the radio button and took a look over the roof of the elementary school that he and his two companions had chosen to spend the night on. No one was answering. He hadn’t really expected anyone to. The sun had just risen and the night shift guy in charge of the radio had probably just tossed the device to the morning shift guy, who was probably now scratching his balls somewhere, chasing an elusive cup of coffee.

They really needed to find some fucking coffee. 

Dwight set the radio on the parapet, dug his eye drops out of one of the pockets of his vest and turned around. The sun had not yet risen over the line of trees at the edge of the small park at the other end of the street, but in an hour or so the roof would be too hot to serve as a hide-out.

After thoroughly hydrating his permanently open eye, he took a look down the street. One townhouse followed the next on both sides from the park to the t-section after which the elementary school stood. All looking like the upper middle class clones that their owners used to be.

Fucking suburgatory.

He used to have epic fights with Sherry, because she had wanted to move off-base into a similar neighborhood. She had thought it would ‘improve their status’, he had thought it would improve their chances to never pay off their debts.

The area they were observing still looked like Dwight‘s personal hell, only instead of minivans, the streets were now lined with the undead. Dead undead to be precise. The area had been cleared pretty thoroughly. They had only encountered two lonely stragglers yesterday and nothing else apart from that.

He addressed one of the two men currently crouching behind the parapet, both studying the street below them with binoculars and intensity.

“Any movement yet?”

“Nope. Probably still tucked in,” Seth answered. Dwight felt a pang of pity for the large man with the bald head. Being on your knees for hours yesterday and now having to sit like this again probably wasn’t Seth’s idea of a good morning. His pity for the other, younger man, had its limits, though. Gavin was an asshole who didn’t know shit, but thought he knew a whole bunch of shit. People like him used to be annoying before the world went tits up. Nowadays such an arrogant attitude could get yourself and others killed.

“Maybe we should just go in now, while she’s still asleep. Surprise the bitch. I mean… I don’t expect much of a fight from her either way, but we can still work with our advantage.”

There it was… doesn’t know a single ounce of shit. Dwight didn’t even deign Gavin with a look, instead keeping his eyes fixed on one of the houses on the right side of the street, about halfway between the school and the park. It looked just like its siblings on either side. Pale blue, picket fence, all in various stages of decay. The only difference were the dead biters hanging over the fence and porch. When Dwight had noticed the unusual display, he had immediately signaled the other two men to be quiet. They had then turned back to where they had come from, had entered the school and put their heads together to discuss the situation.

Gavin had been convinced that it was nothing out of the ordinary. “Undead fucks probably just stumbled over the fence,” and had scoffed at Dwight for explaining that those biters had been put there on purpose and that the whole area was suspiciously lacking any actual undead. Seth had agreed, though, and so they had made camp on top of the school house. Dwight had been quick to give Gavin his most obnoxious I-told-you-so look when they had discovered the source for the morbid décor.

“The boss said to give a report this morning and then to wait for him. What part of his order did you not understand?” Seth asked. Dwight grinned at him and took the radio.

“Dwight here for The Sanctuary. Hello? Anyone there?”

“Good fucking morning Tighty Dwighty!” The booming voice on the other side nearly made him drop the radio while fumbling with the volume button.

“What have you got for me? I hope it’s something really fucking good, because I have been up all night fucking the wives and there isn’t a single fucking drop of fucking coffee to be found anywhere.”

Dwight’s face got stuck somewhere between a clenched jaw and an eye-roll, making him look like he was having either a very small seizure, or a very large bowel movement. He decided to ignore the stupid nickname and the mention of the ‘wives’.

“We observed the house all of last night and this morning. No change. I’m like ninety nine percent sure that the girl is alone.”

“Ninety nine percent, huh? Well, let’s hope you’re fucking right, Dwight. Because I’ll only be bringing Connor, since the rest of the men are busy with those fucking solar panels, so you better not fuck this up.”

Dwight knew about the solar panels. And that only Connor would come along. And that he couldn’t fuck this up. But you were bound to hear these things more than once when dealing with someone who really loved to hear his own voice.

“It’s like I said, Negan. The girl went out yesterday around noon and got back to the house just past sundown, obviously with some supplies. There was no movement in or around the house whatsoever while she was gone.”

“Fucking fine, then. You’re gonna have to wait, though. The boys are scheduled to bring in the panels some time this morning, but since no one here gives a flying fuck about schedules, this might take a while.”

“Alright.” If Dwight was being honest, he wasn’t exactly in a rush. They could settle inside one of the classrooms facing the street if it got too hot on the roof and he was actually grateful for the delay in his leader’s arrival.

“Hey Dwight. Is she hot?”

Dwight couldn’t suppress the groan rising in his throat. It was a good thing that the radio was push-to-talk.

“I suppose from what I could see from 200 yards away, yes, she’s probably reasonably attractive. Can’t say for sure, though.”

“Heh, fucking A.” Dwight could practically hear Negan rubbing his hands together in glee. One of these days, his eyes would get stuck inside his head from rolling them so much. His leader did have a practical side, though. “Weapons?”

“Bow and arrows. A machete. No handguns from what we could see.”

“Bow and arrows? Who the fuck uses a stupid bow and arrows?”

“Well, I use a crossbow. It’s not that different, really. They are silent and have re-usable ammo.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s just fucking hope sexy Robin Hood doesn’t have a fucking rifle hidden up her ass or something.”

“Well, if that’s all… we’ll just wait for you inside the school I told you about yesterday. You still know how to get here and where to park the car?”

“Yes Dwight, I’m not a fucking moron. My sense of direction is fucking awesome. I’m like one of those homing pigeons that can deliver mail by using magnetic shit in the earth.”

Another eye-roll.

“Alright, we’ll wait for your call then. Dwight over.”

“See you later Tighty Dwighty.”

Gavin snickered, which earned him a slap on the back of his head.

“He’s not gonna make her a wife, is he? If that chick really survived on her own out here, she must be really fucking good at scavenging.” Seth said out loud what Dwight was thinking.

“Well let’s just hope Peter Pan girl down there has some brain to go with those survival skills.”

“It was Robin Hood.”

“Shut the fuck up, Gavin.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the Missus!

The sun was high in the sky over the small street. The five men on top of the elementary school were drenched in sweat and were itching to get off the roof. The atmosphere was tense, but the heat wasn’t the only reason for that. Everyone seemed to disagree with everyone else and Negan was about one stupid suggestion away from throwing Gavin over the parapet.

“I’m telling you, we should have gone after her. Pick her up when she’s out in the open.”

Negan pinched his nose before letting his head hit the low wall he was sitting against, twirling Lucille in his hand.

“She’s not a fucking mushroom, Gavin. We want to talk to her, convince her to come with us. Not kidnap her and cook her in a fucking stew. Besides… she probably knows the area around here like the back of her fucking hand. She could run away, or fucking worse: ambush us.”

“Pff… she’s just one-”

Negan set Lucille down beside him forcefully and merely looked at the younger man. He seriously considered demoting the asshole to kitchen duty, or cleaning, preferably the restrooms. But that would probably mean shitty food and dirty toilets, or maybe the other way around.

“Dwight, give me that fucking water bottle!”

“It’s empty. We’ve got some back at the truck, though.”

“God fucking dammit!”

Negan got up from his seat against the parapet and swung the bat over his shoulder. He was done waiting. Dwight and Seth had filled him in on the situation, but beside the fact that their target had left the house about an hour before he and Connor had arrived at the school, nothing had changed.

“Dwight, Connor, we’re going in. We’ll keep the radio on so that Seth and Gavin can warn us when she comes back. Gonna be a real fucking surprise when she walks head first into Lucille. Don’t worry guys! I’m going to keep my lady in check.”

Seth and Dwight looked horrified at the thought of him swiping his bat’s barbed wire through the girl’s face. He didn’t mind them thinking he was a fucking psychopath as long as they did what he said.

“I can’t take my crossbow. It won’t be of any use in such a small space.”

“I don’t care if you point your fucking eye drops at her, as long as you keep her from fucking running or attacking. Gavin, give Dwight your gun.”

They went down the steps to the entrance hall of the school and out the main entrance. The glass doors had been smashed and Gavin and Connor had scoured the school for anything interesting while Negan had talked to Seth and Dwight about the situation, but they had come back empty handed. It wouldn’t surprise Negan if they found a lifetime supply of chalk at the girl’s house.

They stopped in front of the small house where six dead biters had been placed over the fence, in the tall grass of the front garden and on the porch. Cardboard sheets had been put over the windows on the ground floor. Everything was quiet. No movement or sound came from the inside.

Negan opened the small gate in the picket fence and walked carefully up to the porch and put his ear to the wooden door.

“Alright, I’ll open the door and you two go in first. Secure the ground floor, then me and Dwight go upstairs, while Connor stays down here. After everything is clear, we look for some water, put our feet up and keep the fuck quiet until we get the signal from our boys. Grab the bitch right from her door, got it?”

“Sure thing, boss.”

Dwight kept quiet, gun at the ready, his eyes trained on the door. Negan took a step back and was just about to kick the door down, when he had a sudden epiphany that maybe he should try if it was open first. He put a gloved hand on the brass doorknob and gave it a turn. The lock snapped open and the door swung into the room with a slight creak.

Dwight and Connor took a couple of steps into the house and Negan grabbed Lucille a little tighter and followed them, making sure to quietly close the door behind them. The house smelled of mold and burnt food and something sweet and herbal that Negan couldn’t place and which set his teeth on edge.

It took all three of them a moment before their eyes adjusted to the darkness. The sun shone through the cracks in the cardboard sheets and some light was coming from the second floor windows, making the room gloomy and accentuating the specks of dust dancing in the rays of sunshine. They had stepped into a rather spacious living area, with a large couch dividing the room in half, which was facing a TV and a low cabinet. An armchair stood beside the couch and a small table with two chairs stood right next to the window.

It all looked like a perfectly normal home, right down to the pictures on the walls, if it weren’t for the cans, bottles, grain sacks and snack packages that covered every surface of the room, apart from the couch. Negan grinned to himself. The rice and dried beans alone would feed the Sanctuary for at least two weeks.

Dwight and Connor started to head for the stairway, while he took a quick look into the room to his left, which turned out to be the kitchen, also full of supplies. He would take a closer look at those later, first the back rooms and the second floor. Maybe this place even had a basement. The girl had loaded two rooms full of food and water; he was hoping the little hoarder had done the same to the rest of the house. This was like Christmas morning and every room was a stocking.

He was lost in his thoughts, so when he heard the unfamiliar voice coming from the stairs, where his two companions now stood, he actually gave a little jump.

“Drop your weapons. Now.”

Negan’s face fell and his grin was replaced with a look of fury. That was definitely not the voice of an attractive woman. He took Lucille from her place on his shoulder and started for the stairwell. Through the dark and the dust he could just make out the figure of a man, about Dwight’s height with what was unmistakably a gun in his hand, alternatingly pointing at Dwight and Connor.

He was just about to bark the kill order at Dwight, when he felt a hard object pressed against the back of his head and another voice, this time female said:

“He said drop your weapons.”

Negan stopped in his tracks and brought his hands up, one palm open, the other hand holding Lucille in a death grip.

“I really can’t do that baby, Lucille here abso-fucking-lutely hates being on the ground.”

“She’ll like it even less with your brain spattered all over her. Put. Your fucking. Weapons. Down.”

The bitch enforced her threat by putting more pressure on what was obviously a gun on Negan’s head and cocking it’s hammer.

Negan dropped his beloved bat, sending a silent apology to the ground and addressed Dwight and Connor.

“Drop your weapons boys. After all, we’re just here to talk, right?”

The two Saviors kept their eyes on the man in front of them while slowly putting their weapons on the ground, Dwight his gun and the knife on his thigh belt, Connor the big bowie knife in his hand.

Negan felt a hand on his own thigh, removing the knife he always carried as a back-up.

“Going for my goods already, sweetheart? How about you buy me a fucking drink first?”

“Move! Sit your ass on the couch. The others, too.”

He figured it was best to do as he was told, so he went around the couch and sat down, shooting a glare in Dwight’s direction when he and Connor joined him. He was tempted to hang the stupid fuck on the Sanctuary’s fence from his balls when they got home.

While the three of them scooted their butts around a bit so they all could fit on the couch, the two occupants of the house stepped into view, the man holding a semi-automatic pistol, the woman a revolver.

The guy was rather short, with long blond hair and an unkempt beard. His rugged appearance, combined with the tattoos all over his arms made him look as if he could invoke the wrath of fucking Odin by merely turning his eyes towards the sky.

The girl was tall, with hair as black as Negan’s own in a ponytail. Both had the emaciated bodies and haunted eyes of people who had lived on the road and in the wilderness for too long. Negan knew the look too well; he had been the same for a short time when the world had first gone to shit.

“Fuck me Dwight… you were right, she really is fucking hot. Then again, we tend to have the same type, don’t we?”

Dwight was lucky Negan was only taunting him for now, instead of grabbing him and sending his already fucked-up face into the glass table in front of them right then and there.

“Who are you and what are you doing in our home?”

The woman looked straight at Negan. Clever girl already figured out that he was the biggest dick at this orgy.

“As I said. We’re only here to talk. My boys were scouting the area and came across your weird fucking Halloween decoration. They kept tabs on you, figured you’d make a good fucking addition to our community. Of course they thought you were alone and all but unarmed. They also thought you had left the house and they monitored the street all day, so how the fuck did you get back in here?”

“Back yard and door?”

Negan turned his head to look at his two-faced lieutenant.

“Really Dwight? Really?”

“I’m sorry Negan, I…”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be really fucking sorry…”

“HEY! If we could please focus on the problem at hand, which is that you entered our home without permission and we have guns pointing at your heads.”

This time it was the man who spoke. Negan sighed and took a closer look at the two people in front of him. Their clothes were functional, but ragged, in various shades of black and grey. Both their skin was a reddish tan, like that of people who weren’t used to being outdoors in the Virginian summer heat. By the way their grip on their guns hadn’t relaxed one bit since they had started talking, he had a feeling that those two wouldn’t react well to threats, so he opted for flattery instead. Negan knew he could be just as convincing with a smile and his charm as he was with Lucille.

“Look… I think we all got off on the wrong fucking foot here. We thought we’d be dealing with one person without weapons. We wanted to see how you’re doing all alone out here and we clearly fucking underestimated you. It seems like you two know your way around. I mean, seriously, how the fuck did you know we were in the area?”

They looked at him and then at each other, having the sort of mute conversation that only two people who had spent way too much time together in exceptional circumstances could have. They were clearly debating about what to tell him and Negan was already bracing himself for a big fat “Fuck you!” when the woman answered:

“I count the dead in the street. There were two more when I got back last night. So we figured that someone had been in the area. And when I noticed that someone was on the roof of the school this morning, I just went back into the house and we waited for you. See what you want from us.”

Dwight gaped at her, looking like a very ugly fish. Negan couldn’t blame him, really. He, too, was thoroughly impressed.

“How did you know that we were on the roof?”

“The sun was reflecting from your binoculars.”

Negan’s eyebrows shot up.

“Shit babe. Color me the fuck impressed. Are you one of those weird survival experts that they showed on Discovery Channel? The ones that live in tree houses and drink their own piss?”

She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“Eww, no. It’s just common sense. You have to be aware of your surroundings if you don’t want to die out there, right?”

Negan smirked at that. He was already starting to like the chick, in a finally-someone-who-has-their-shit-together way.

“You’re damn fucking right. What’s your name, doll?”

“Not doll.”

“Hi Notdoll, I’m Negan.”

“That’s a weird name.”

“So is Notdoll.”

That actually made her crack a barely suppressed smile and it was like her whole appearance changed from battle-hardened survivalist to pretty girl who was apparently happy about having a conversation with someone else than Viking guy. Said Viking guy was right now shooting daggers at Negan when he noticed his companion visibly relaxing.

“I’m Lilly.”

She looked at her partner expectantly, who clenched his jaw and took one more sweeping look at all three of them.

“Jax.”

“Alright, Lilly, Jax. Nice to fucking meet you. My two companions here are Dwight and Connor and we are the Saviors. Well… at least a small fucking part of them.”

“The what now?” Jax asked.

“The Saviors. Here to save the fucking world, including you two.”

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to make friends and annoy the shit out of people.

The woman, while still pointing her gun in their direction, had lowered it to her hip, but was nevertheless back in don’t-bullshit-me mode.

“What makes you think that we need to be saved?”

Negan smiled and spread his arms, nearly hitting Connor on the nose. She was just where he wanted her to be.

“This whole setup you got here? Really fucking nice. Cleared streets, a fuckton of supplies… you probably even know how to hunt, make a fire, the whole Survival 1-0-fucking-1. You’re both obviously smart and capable. So I’m damn fucking sure that you know that this isn’t gonna last forever. I mean, sure, right now you’re all fine and fucking dandy in your little house in the suburbs, but how are you gonna heat the house this winter? What are you going to do when you’ve scavenged every last place in the area? Plant a fucking apple tree in the backyard? And you’re just two people. One of you kicks the fucking bucket, the other one is fucking dead, too, either from being eaten, or because being alone out here is a fucking death sentence.”

Negan watched their reactions to his little speech very carefully. They had to agree that he was right. The guy –What was his name again?- was looking at Dwight with furrowed brows. The girl, Lilly, was still watching Negan intently, her face not giving anything away. It was a little unsettling if Negan was being perfectly honest to himself. Was that approval, or was she one wrong word away from shooting him in the head?

“Any-fucking-way… there are so few fucking people left in this fucked-up world… we have to save everyone we can, right? So how about you two join us? We have food, walls, people. A whole fucking community that works together. You get jobs, a place to sleep and two awesome fucking meals per day. We even have a fucking doctor plus meds if you need them.”

“Sounds like a real utopia.” The man said. “And you’re offering us all this just like that, without asking for anything in return?”

“I just told you that you’re given jobs, weren’t you fucking listening? Of course you’re gonna have to fucking work if you want to stay with us, nothing in this world is for fucking free anymore.”

The two of them exchanged another look and then Lilly asked the million dollar question:

“How do we know that you’re not just trying to gain our trust and as soon as we let down our guard and our guns, you kill us and take all our shit?”

Negan couldn’t help the Cheshire cat grin that was creeping up on his face. 

“Oh we are going to take all your shit. Just see it as an entrance fee to a very fucking cool and exclusive club. As for how you’re gonna know we won’t kill you? Because I have a gun in the inside pocket of my jacket and Connor here has another hidden in his boot. We could have fucked you up three times over by now. And yet here we are… as nice and fucking friendly as a fucking 30-year-old virgin on his first visit to a hooker.”

That finally got a reaction from them. The guy -Jax!- looked about ready to start a bloodbath and pointed his gun straight at Negan’s head. Connor reached down to go for his own hidden gun, but Negan put a hand on his lieutenant’s arm and then returned his attention to Lilly.

She uncocked her gun, leaned back against the sideboard behind her with crossed arms and gave Negan a grin that made his heart flip and his dick twitch. He had known from the start that she was the one calling the shots and he was sure that he had won her over, when she finally said the five magic words:

“Jax, put the gun down.”

Her partner was about to protest, so she repeated herself.

“Put the gun down and light the candles. It’s getting dark outside and I want to take a better look at our guests.”

Jax finally did as he was told and went in the direction of the staircase, only to come back with matches and the weapons that had been left there by Dwight and Connor, holding them out to them.

Lilly, still smiling, went around the couch and out of their field of vision. When she came back, she was twirling Lucille in her hand.

“Unusual choice of weapon you got there.”

Negan was torn between annoyance and arousal. He didn’t like it when people touched Lucille without his explicit permission. On the other hand, seeing the girl’s pale and slender hands wrapped around his bat’s dark wood made his mind go to some very dirty places.

“Maybe I’ll let you play with her sometime,” he said with a wink. She chuckled and pointed the barbed wire end at him, which he took with a gloved hand.

Meanwhile, Jax had been busy lighting several candles that were standing between the food and the bottles of water. The room slowly started to light up and Negan finally managed to get a better look at the girl, who had now taken a seat in the armchair next to him. Her eyes, which he had found so unsettling just two minutes earlier, were actually a warm green and the full lips and small nose that was covered in a faint dusting of freckles made her less intimidating in the warm glow of the candlelight than he had initially thought.

Not that he had been scared of her, but she had looked like a far tougher bitch in the darkness.

“Well, if this isn’t fucking great, right boys? Two new additions to our family and one of them is even pretty fucking easy on the eyes.” He smirked at Jax, who raised an eyebrow at him and disappeared into the kitchen.

“We haven’t agreed to anything yet. We merely decided not to kill you,” Lilly remarked, before reaching for a gallon of water next to her and placing it on the table.

Jax came back from the kitchen with five glasses and put them next to the water gallon, went to the table behind Lilly and sat down on one of the chairs with crossed arms.

“Oh, come the fuck on. After everything I just told you, not to mention my awesome fucking personality and looks, you’re still not convinced? What do I have to do to help you make up your mind?”

“How about answering some questions about you and your community?”

“Sure, ask away. Oh and the answer to your first question is: Yes, I’m available and DTF.”

“Right. Thanks for clearing that up.” She looked like she could barely contain her laughter and Negan wasn’t sure whether she found him ridiculous, or was genuinely amused by his crass attempts at flirting. That would be a fucking first.

“You said that we would have to work for food, shelter and so on.” She changed the topic. “Does that mean that you have to earn these things? You don’t just get them for free?”

“Dwight, pour us some water, I’m fucking parched.” He leaned forward. “No, we have a points system. You get basic accommodation, including two meals per day and a spot in the dormitory. Anything more than that, you have to use your points.” He took the glass of water from Dwight and made sure everyone else got a drink before continuing. “Now I know what you’re gonna say… What’s the fucking point of a points system in a world like this where everyone fucking struggles to make it to the next fucking day…”

“Actually, I was going to say that a points system is a good idea in a world where laziness and incapability gets you killed.” she interrupted. “It’s not fair that some people risk their lives every day while others freeload off them.”

Negan had the feeling that she was speaking from experience.

“Have you lived in a community before?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“It didn’t work out.”

He decided not to press the matter further, but made a mental note to keep an eye on those two, if they decided to come back to Sanctuary with them. He couldn’t be sure that it hadn’t been Lilly’s and Jax’s fault that it didn’t work out with their last community and a nice pair of tits and a smile were not enough to make him endanger his people back home.

He was just about to ask for how long they’d been out there, when the sudden noise from Dwight’s radio gave them all a collective heart attack. He saw Lilly and Jax going for the guns on their belts and held up his hands in a placatory gesture.

“Easy guys. It’s just our back up on the roof. They probably want to know if we’re busy fondling our balls and if they can join us.”

They kept their hands on their guns and Negan motioned to Dwight to hand over the radio with Gavin’s voice coming from it. “Boss? Are you there? Everything okay?”

His eyes never leaving the two people sitting across from him, he brought the radio up to his mouth, but addressed Lilly first:

“Can they come down here? You have my fucking word, everything is going to stay as fucking pleasant as it is. But my men have been up on that roof all fucking day and they are tired and fucking thirsty.”

She gave him a small nod.

“Gavin, yes. Everything is A-O-fucking-K here. We actually found two mushrooms.”

“Huh?”

“Forget it. We’re still talking. Get your asses down here. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Uhh… alright boss. Over.”

He tossed the radio back to Dwight and stood up to stretch a little, leaving Lucille on the glass table before them. Lilly was still eyeing him warily, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of having even more strangers in her home.

“Hey, don’t fucking worry, babe. Seth is a really nice guy. Oh and you have my full blessing to slap the shit out of Gavin whenever you feel like it… and you fucking will.”

“Oh great, I like a good a slap”, she smiled. That made him do a double take at her. God fucking dammit, the others would kill him if he made her a wife. Not to mention Thor Assholeson over there.

She stood up and he was finally able to make a good guess at her height. Definitely taller than he usually preferred, her head reached up just to his shoulders, while most women stopped somewhere between his bellybutton and his chest.

She stood close enough now that he could smell her and his attraction to her vanished instantly. The stink of someone who hadn’t had access to large amounts of water and soap hit his nose with a mixture of sweat, unwashed clothes and bad breath with a hint of rotting walker guts thrown in for good measure. He could also just make out the weird herbal scent he had detected when first entering the house and it made his lip curl in disgust.

“Well, since you were all so obsessed with stalking us all day, I bet you guys must be really hungry. I’m gonna go get us something to eat,” she said right before someone knocked on the door.

“That is some awesome fucking hospitality.” Negan grinned and walked to the door to open it for Seth and Gavin while Lilly got busy in the kitchen. He let his men in, who were both wearing shiny red sunburn on their cheeks and noses and who went straight for the water in the living room.

After each of them had downed a couple of glasses, they took a closer look at the room and the people in it and stopped in their tracks when they noticed Jax.

“Who the fuck are you?” Gavin asked.

Negan had since approached his man with the reddish blonde hair and put an arm around the significantly smaller guy, squeezing just a little too tight for comfort.

“That, my boy, is our new friend Jax. He is the reason that you, Dwight and Seth are going to have a whole fucking fuck-ton of unending fucking fun with fence duty for the next three weeks.”

The three men erupted in a collective groan.

“Why? How? Where is the girl?” Gavin cried out.

Dwight pointed at Lilly, who had just come back from the kitchen, carrying a tray full of assorted snacks: beef jerky, peanuts, pretzels, a couple of granola bars. She placed the tray on the glass table in front of the couch, carefully picked up Lucille and placed her against the wall by the door, right next to a bow and a quiver of arrows that Negan hadn’t noticed before.

“Oh, sweet. How about you make me a sandwich next, baby?” Gavin wiggled his eyebrows at Lilly, who tilted her head to the side, smiling sweetly at him.

“Sure thing, honey. Do you want your testicles roasted or cooked to go on that sandwich after I ripped them off?”

The room went silent until Negan couldn’t hold it in anymore and broke out into a booming laugh, one hand on his belly, the on his thigh.

“Never mind that slap, babe. This was in-fucking-finitely better.”

After the final introductions were made, they all proceeded to sit down together to eat, drink and answer questions. Lilly and Jax were guarded about revealing too much about their past and Negan’s men were too well trained to tell the two potentials anything that could endanger the Sanctuary’s inhabitants.

What they did learn, was that Lilly and Jax had known each other since before the outbreak, that they had lived in a community in D.C. for quite some time and that they had left of their own accord because they hadn’t agreed with how things were going there.

Negan and Dwight told them more about the points system, potential jobs for them and some of the rules and expectations they had for future Saviors.

There was one tense moment when Jax asked Dwight about the scar on his face, but Dwight was smart enough to mumble something about “rule breaking” and a “serious offense” without going into too much detail. Jax didn’t look completely convinced after that and he and Lilly soon excused themselves to go upstairs to discuss things.

They talked for a good hour. Gavin made a comment about halfway through that he had had enough of waiting and about getting them, but Negan told him to shut the fuck up. He wanted to give them ample time to decide whether they should go with them in the morning.

When they got back, Lilly motioned for Negan to follow her into the kitchen. She sighed and put her hands on the counter between them.

“Sorry for making you wait that long.”

“Don’t fucking worry about it. I know that shit takes time to think over. Did you come to a decision?”

“I think so. But first, why do you even want us at your place? Isn’t it a bit of a risk to take in strays in times like these?”

“Don’t get me wrong, sweetheart, I’m sure you’re a fucking badass, but you’re not exactly the crazy mass-murderer type. It has become a really rare fucking occasion that we find other survivors out here and if I think that they’d be an asset to our community, why not invite them in?”

“Well it still sounds a little too good to be true. I mean… your men seem nice enough. What about women and children? You have those at your place?”

“A whole fucking bunch of them. I even have two female lieutenants. The rest are just regular people we try to keep safe. Look, I’m not gonna fucking lie to you and tell you it’s always fucking sunshine and lollipops at our place. But I want you to know that you are always free to leave if it doesn’t work out. I can’t use people who don’t want to fucking be there.” Negan leaned back against the counter, Lucille on his shoulder. “So what about your boy Jax? I got the feeling he’s not a huge fucking fan of the whole idea of you two coming with me.”

“Jax will go wherever I go. He’s just cautious. We both are, especially after it didn’t work out with our last community. He just wants us to be safe.”

“And what do you want, Lilly?”

She focused her gaze on the wall at the other end of the kitchen and bit her lip.

“I just want to have a home again.”

“Well, you’re welcome to share mine.”

Their eyes met and she smiled up at him. The moment was immediately ruined, though, by Jax poking his head around the kitchen door.

“Everything okay in here, Lil?”

“Yeah, we’re good.”

“Did you tell him?”

“I was just about to.” She turned back to Negan. “Well Negan…” he really liked the sound of his name on her tongue. “We thank you very much for your generous offer and we have decided that, if the night goes without any incidents, we’d like to go with you in the morning.”

“All-fucking-right! That’s fucking awesome news.”

“I’ll go tell the others” Jax excused himself.

They soon heard animated chatter from the living room and Negan couldn’t stop grinning until he noticed that Lilly looked a little concerned.

“What’s wrong, babe? I thought you’d be doing a fucking happy dance for me.”

“It’s gotten pretty late. How is this going to work? We don’t have enough room for all your men and, frankly, I don’t feel very comfortable sleeping in a house with five strangers.”

“What about just one stranger?”

“What do you mean?”

“I am going to stay here and your boyfriend goes with my men and stays with them in the school. That way we both have at least some sort of fucking leverage. Though I have to say that you are really fucking hurting my feelings, babe. I have been nothing but a perfect fucking gentleman and you still don’t trust me?” he was actually pouting at her.

“Do you trust me?”

“Good fucking point.”

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So... Lilly... wanna fuck?"

He went back to the living room to share the plan with his men who all broke out into different kinds of protest. Gavin because he didn’t want to spend another night on the school’s hard linoleum floor, Connor because he still didn’t fully trust Jax, Dwight because he didn’t trust Lilly and Jax because didn’t want to leave Lilly alone with Negan.

"Alright fuckers, this is how it’s going to go, so listen very fucking closely, because I will only say this fucking once: Gavin, you can either sleep in the fucking school or in the street right in front of the house, your call. Connor, you are four fucking men against one fucking man, do the fucking math. Dwight, I think I can handle one malnourished girl. I might even get fucking lucky tonight.” he winked at an exasperated looking Dwight and then turned to Jax, pointing a finger in the younger man’s face:

“And you… I know you have been itching to rip my fucking balls off from the moment I set foot into your little post-apocalyptic, fucked-up Barbie Dream House. But let me tell you something Ken, these balls are fucking grenades. And so are my men’s. And we all pulled the fucking safety pins. So if you even so much as fucking think about touching anyone’s fucking grenade balls… they are all gonna go off and blow up in your fucking face. So do yourself and your girl a huge fucking favor and don’t fuck this up. Because we both know that she really wants to go home with me tomorrow. So swallow your fucking pride and let Lilly find a new home. Can you do that?”

Jax’s icy blue eyes never left Negan’s and he looked like he was trying very hard to keep his face neutral and his fists unclenched. Negan fully expected some sort of protest, a thinly veiled threat, a plea not to hurt her, anything… Instead, the blonde man merely nodded and then went to join Lilly in the kitchen, no doubt to talk to her one last time before being separated for the night.

He gave them a couple of minutes to say goodbye and watched his men gather their things, before going back in the kitchen, only to find the two embracing each other fiercely. He felt a pang of annoyance at seeing them wrapped around each other, whispering words of reassurance in each other’s ear, so, naturally, he smashed Lucille on the kitchen counter, making the dirty dishes standing there rattle and the two lovebirds nearly jump out of their skin.

“Whoops, sorry guys. Wrap up the fucking foreplay Jackie-boy, time to go.”

Negan watched Lilly put her hand on Jax’s cheek and giving him what he noticed was the first genuine smile he had seen on her face all day.

Jax then turned, walked past Negan and out the front door to join the other men on the porch. They all exchanged a couple of words about meeting tomorrow morning and some goodbyes and goodnights and then Lilly closed the door and the house was filled with silence. Alone at last.

She turned and was back to staring at Negan intensely, every hint of a former smile gone from her face. He couldn’t help but feel awkward all of a sudden and rubbed the back of his neck, thinking of something witty to say. She beat him to it and spoke first, though:

“Well, it’s been a long and interesting day so far. I’m gonna go upstairs real quick to freshen up. There’s a bottle of Scotch somewhere on the table. Make yourself at home… or more at home than you already have.”

Wait, so far? Freshen up?

“Heh… you don’t have to get me drunk to get some fucking action, babe. Get it? Fucking action?”

Her brows shot upwards and she walked past Negan with nothing but a sarcastic “Uh-huh.”, took one of the candles from the table and disappeared up the stairs.

He took a look at the cluttered table and found the bottle Lilly had talked about, unscrewed it and took one big gulp. The liquid burnt pleasantly down his throat, but he resisted the temptation to drink more. Just a little taste to take the edge off of the intensity of the day, then he put the cap back on and sank down on the armchair with a heavy sigh. Probably the only thing he was gonna screw tonight. And here he thought he was getting some vibes from her…

He started reflecting on whether he had made the right choice by inviting these people into the Sanctuary. Every time his men found someone who could potentially be added to their community, he would drive out to meet them, to make sure they’d fit in, see the circumstances they were living in and how they reacted to his authority.

Jax seemed like trouble at first sight, but Negan knew that he was only concerned about his and Lilly’s safety. The man had been cautious and maybe even disapproving at times, but he had never been openly aggressive and he definitely knew when to shut up and do as he was told.

Negan prided himself on his ability to read people, which was the second reason he always had a look at potential newcomers.

And that was why Lilly was confusing him. She was the definition of a hot and cold personality. One moment she was smiling at him, playing along with his stupid jokes and the next it was like she put on a mask, no emotion showing on her face, merely staring at him with those big, intense eyes.

However, Negan had to admit that her survival skills alone would make her a great asset to the Sanctuary. She had kept herself and Jax alive for almost three months and had accumulated an impressive amount of supplies, not to mention that she was obviously good at killing walkers.

Negan started fidgeting, as he usually did after only a short amount of time when sitting still. He had never been one to just get lost in his thoughts for hours on end. He hated sitting around and doing nothing.

He stood and took a candle with him to the hallway, stopping at the end of the stairs to listen for Lilly upstairs. He could hear her walking around in the room right above him and figured she was still busy “freshening up”, whatever that meant.

He took a quick look into the other two rooms at the back of the house. One was a tiny bedroom, with clothes scattered all over the floor and bed, the other a small bathroom with a toilet, sink and shower. He went into the bathroom, put the candle on the sink and took a quick piss. He took off his gloves, put them in one of the pockets of his leather jacket and looked around for water to wash his hands with afterwards, but could only find a big bottle of hand sanitizer. He squirted some on his hand and his nose was immediately filled with the now familiar herbal scent he had smelled around the house and on Lilly earlier. He inspected the bottle more closely. “Lavender Scented”. He scoffed. The smell actually wasn’t too bad on its own, he thought as he rubbed the liquid into his hands.

He took the candle and walked back into the living room to wait for Lilly, who came down the stairs only a minute later, wearing a new set of clothes and looking a little better groomed than before.

“Took you long enough. You finally fucking finished powdering your nose?”

“Aww, did you miss me already?” she laughed and motioned for him to follow her. “Come on, I’ll show you where you can sleep.”

He refrained from making a joke about missing her tits and where exactly he wanted to sleep tonight and took Lucille from her place on the ground and walked after her. She stopped halfway up the stairs to turn around to him.

“Are you taking your baseball bat to sleep with you?”

“Jealous? You can join us if you want.” He winked at her. “It’s just a safety precaution, babe. Nothing personal.”

She didn’t answer and walked back up, giving him a nice view of her ass. Now that she didn’t smell like a fucking dumpster fire anymore, his dick was reminding him that she was indeed a pretty attractive woman. He decided that it wouldn’t hurt to make one last move on her. He’d either get to see that firm ass without any pants on them, or he’d just have to rely on his imagination to fire one off tonight.

They entered the bedroom on the right and Lilly put her candle on the dresser next to the door. It was a large room, with worn wallpaper on the walls and a queen size bed with a metal headboard standing opposite of the door.

Negan took off his leather jacket and put it on the office chair in front of the desk holding an assortment of books to which he added Lucille.

“So where do you sleep?”

“Here, usually. This is my bedroom.”

“Heh… alright.”

He waited for her to tell him to get the fuck out, or to say goodnight and leave, but she just looked at him, so he took the opportunity to plop down on the bed in the most graceful way he could muster considering his height and weight, put his hands behind his head and gave her what he thought was his most seductive smile.

“So… Lilly… wanna fuck?”

She raised one eyebrow at him and, after two more seconds, shrugged and said:

“Okay.”

He opened his mouth in surprise and raised his head, but she had already climbed on top of him, straddling him with long legs and taking off her grey shirt. He was momentarily speechless by his own success and by the view he was now presented with and his dick got hard so fast, he thought he might black out from the sudden loss of blood in his brain.

She was very thin, but not as emaciated as he had previously thought. The prominent collarbones, defined arms and just a hint of abs on her stomach showed that she was more toned than skinny. She wore a black sports bra which was more practical than pretty, but he didn’t mind her lack of sexy lingerie right now, not when her tits were so full and the skin on her torso looked so beautifully milky white and soft. Negan instinctively put his hands on her waist to feel said softness for himself and he was rewarded with a small giggle from her, which made him tear away his gaze from her breasts and stomach to look into her eyes.

Lilly smiled at him and cast her eyes down almost shyly.

“Sorry for being so forward. I’m sure you have plenty of girls all over you all the time, but it’s been a while for me.”

He gave a short laugh. The truth was, this particular situation was a first for him, too. Women usually only ever threw themselves at him when they wanted something from him, like new clothes, or more points, or a day off. He was starting to ask himself what Lilly could possibly ask from him for this, since he had already assured her of a place at Sanctuary, when he felt her hands on his stomach, slowly making their way up to his chest, taking his shirt with them.

“So… uuhh… is your boyfriend not satisfying you enough? Cause that would be a damn fucking crime, babe. Beautiful woman like you shouldn’t be able to walk from all the awesome fucking orgasms she should be getting every day.”

Her lips and tongue had joined her hands by now and she was kissing and licking a trail up his body, making him close his eyes and his breathing to become quicker. She tugged at his shirt and he moved his arms so she could pull it over his head.

“You mean Jax? We’re not together.”

He was surprised, but also relieved to hear that. He didn’t exactly have any moral objections against taking someone else’s woman, but one scorned man with half a melted face and a wounded pride was enough drama to last him a lifetime.

She was now nipping a trail along his jaw and over his chin, but when she reached his mouth and her nose bumped into his, he put his hands on her shoulders to stop her.

“Sorry sweetheart. No kissing, no cuddling.”

Lilly sat up and looked at him in confusion.

“No kissing during sex? Where is the fun in that?”

He feared for a moment that he had ruined the mood and was quick to reassure her:

“We can still have fun. Plenty of other spots you can put those pretty fucking lips of yours.”

He sighed in relief when she grinned in return. He had his rules for a reason, but he did not intend to reflect on that reason right now, not when this hot piece of ass was currently busy opening his belt and the button on his pants. She took a good look at the bulge that was now only covered by his boxers.

“My, I’m sure happy to see that everything is proportional, Big Guy.”

Negan chuckled and opened his mouth to say something witty in return, but then she put her hand down his pants to cup him and all that escaped his lips was a gasp that turned into a low moan when she applied a little more pressure to his throbbing dick.

Lilly bent over again to bury her nose in his chest hair and he stroked his hands over her ass and up her back, one finger trailing the bumps of her spine. She shuddered and her breathing quickened to fall in sync with his own.

She removed her hands from his almost achingly hard erection and slid them up his arms, putting them over his head and stroking her thumbs over the pulse points on his wrists. He grabbed one of the metal poles of the headboard when her lips, teeth and tongue latched onto the crook of his neck and groaned when she started moving her hips to rub her crotch against his.

God, but he was about ready to explode and they hadn’t even properly started, yet.

Negan wondered if Lilly liked her neck getting bitten just as much as he did and he turned his head a little to get access to the spot just under her ear to test exactly that. His teeth sank into her soft skin, gently at first, and then with more vigor when she rewarded him with the most beautiful little gasps and moans.

It had been ages since he had been with someone so responsive and it filled his brain with a foggy mixture of lust and pride.

In retrospect, that had probably been the reason why he hadn’t registered the soft clicking sound and the feeling of cold metal around his wrists until it had already been too late.

Lilly hopped off the bed and his eyes sprang open. He yanked at the handcuffs, but she had put their chain around one of the poles, so all it did was make a loud rattling sound when the headboard sprung back against the wall.

“Oh you fucking bitch.”

“Don’t call me that.” she had the nerve to exclaim. “You didn’t honestly think I would spend the night with a complete stranger, did you? This isn’t some fucking college party hook-up. Do you have any idea how many rapists, murderers and otherwise psychopathic people I have met since the world went to shit? Don’t worry though, we’ll still come with you in the morning.”

He glowered at her. “That would imply I don’t fucking strangle you as soon as you take those fuckers off my wrists.”

“Oh please. We both know you won’t. You have spent the last three hours giving it your fucking all to convince me to come home with you. I can scavenge. I can hunt. I can fight. You need me and I need you.”

She was right of course, but he’d rather bite his own tongue off than admit that.

“So you’re just going to leave me hanging here? At least finish the fucking job.”

He really was that desperate, but she merely laughed and put her shirt back on.

“I am so gonna spank your ass for giving me the world’s biggest fucking blue balls.”

“Promises, promises… “

She took the candle from the dresser, opened the bedroom door and then turned to him, smirking:

“It’s just a safety precaution, babe. Nothing personal.”

She closed the door behind her with a soft thud, leaving Negan with his thoughts and his still treacherously hard dick alone in the dark.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

The first light of morning was starting to pierce the blue of the night, carrying promises of another hot day under the merciless Virginian summer sun.

Lilly was standing on top of the stairs that led down to the small garden and enjoyed her first cup of coffee, brewed on the little cooking station she had set up on the back porch. It had been her daily ritual for the nearly three months that she and Jax had been staying at this place. Get up at the first light of dawn, make coffee, plan another day of hunting, scavenging and piercing skulls. She had never been a good sleeper, but living outside of a community had resulted in her tossing and turning each night with barely four hours of sleep in between nightmares and lying awake, listening to every sound inside and outside of the house.

She leaned against one of the porch posts with a content sigh and blew into the steaming cup that she was cradling in her hands. Better to enjoy some peace and quiet before the horde of men came back from their little sleepover in the school. She couldn’t wait to see if Jax was okay, of course, but the thought of having her home invaded by strangers again made her anxious.

It was probably best if she stopped thinking about this place as her home and those men as strangers real quick.

Lilly knew that Jax could handle himself. When he wasn’t glowering at a bunch of invaders, he was actually a very friendly and outgoing guy. He’d probably come back with four new best friends, beaming happily at her and demanding breakfast and sharing inside jokes they had collected during the night.

She took a sip of coffee and thought that her own guest probably wouldn’t be as enthusiastic about seeing her again in the morning. She still couldn’t decide if it had been genius or insane to pull her little handcuff stunt. She may have ruined her chances of joining a new community, but her fear of being alone all night in the house with a man she had just met had drowned out all reason. She would just have to think of something to placate him and hope that he was as reasonable and friendly as he had been before she had gotten his cock up and then blocked.

Negan. Impressive name. Impressive man.

Lilly thought that he had done a damn good job convincing her and Jax of joining his community. The combination of logic, jokes and promises of a safe home had won them over in the end. Negan had laid it on a big thick with the compliments, but Lilly guessed that that was his way of ensuring people that he and his men were friendly. Though she had no doubt that his friendliness would be quickly replaced with something far more sinister when provoked. She could only hope that she wouldn’t be on the other end of a bad tempered leader with a baseball bat when she went upstairs to uncuff him later. Maybe she should have just fucked him. He was attractive enough.

Fucking her new boss before she even started at this new place, great idea.

She would just present him with a nice breakfast and a big pot of coffee for him and his men and hope for the best, she decided.

She was so lost in thought, sipping her coffee, looking over the garden that was slowly basked in soft sunlight and thinking of tall men with foul mouths and leather jackets, that she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a loud SLAP and felt a stinging pain on her right butt cheek.

She yelped, dropped her cup, which shattered at her feet and spun around, while simultaneously going for the machete on her hip when she felt a hand around her wrist, applying just enough pressure not to hurt, but making sure that she couldn’t draw her weapon. The object of her former musings was baring his teeth mere inches away from her face, his broad frame towering over her. Lilly’s eyes widened in fear and she was sure that she had fucked up by once again utterly failing to read a person’s behaviour. This wasn’t a strict, but benevolent leader who just wanted to recruit new people for his community. He was here to kill her; Jax was probably bleeding out on the school’s linoleum floor at this very moment. These weren’t Saviors, they were killers. And Negan, if that was even his real name, would now proceed to take what he didn’t get last night and then murder her in the most brutal way.

“Told you you’d get a fucking spanking.”

He was grinning at her and she opened her mouth to say something, but her mind was drawing a blank.

“What? You don’t like it? I got the impression that you’re into all this freaky shit after that fucking show of yours last night.”

She blinked. Why was he cracking jokes? Was that some form of sick psychological torture before bashing her head in with his bat? Where was that weird thing, anyway? She looked down at his hands and then back at his face. His grin had been replaced by a look of concern and he released her wrist and took a step back.

“You… you’re not going to kill me?”

 “I still might if you don’t pull the keys out of your ass and take these off.”

He held his arms out in front of him and she realized he was still half naked and handcuffed. She fumbled for the small key in her jeans pocket and gave it to him with shaking hands. He took off the handcuffs, which fell to the ground and put on the shirt he had stuffed into the back pocket of his pants. He then stepped in front of her again and poked his index finger into her shoulder and looked at her with a very serious expression.

“What the fuck was that all about? I offer you a place in my home and go out of my fucking way to make you fucking comfortable and you thank me by going all dominatrix on my ass?”

Lilly sucked in two more shaky breaths before answering.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? You wouldn’t be the first man I met to turn into fucking Ted Bundy in the throes of passion.”

“What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like a fucking raping serial killer to you?”

“I have no idea what you look like. I only just met you, you were adamant about being alone with me and I figured, if we were still cool in the morning, it was a sign that you really are just a bunch of normal people who are interested in us joining your community.”

“Oh we are so fucking far away from being cool, you might as well paint me red and hand me a fucking pitchfork.”

Lilly put a hand on his forearm and the small gesture seemed to calm him down a notch. She noticed him staring at the heavy rise and fall of her chest and figured that she wasn’t above using her female charm to get herself out of this situation. It had already worked on him once, after all.

“I really am sorry, Negan, for deceiving you like that. I panicked. Please don’t be mad at me? I do like you a lot, but being with you last night brought back some really bad memories. It’s a fucked-up world out there, especially for a woman.”

She felt like she needed a shower after spewing so much bullshit.

She hadn’t panicked. Not last night, anyway. She had it all planned out from the moment he had suggested to separate her and Jax for the night. But he didn’t need to know that. She could play the frightened little princess until she got one foot in his community.

His eyes softened and he took his hand away from her collarbone. He looked around and noticed the steaming pot on the camping stove.

“Is that fucking coffee?”

“Yeah. You want a cup?”

“Fuck yes! It’s the least you can do to get back into my good graces. Or my pants. Offer still stands.”

She laughed and hurried to the plastic garden table to pour Negan some coffee. She handed him the cup, took a fresh one for herself and couldn’t help being curious:

“So, uhm, how did you get free?”

He took a sip and grimaced, though she couldn’t tell whether it was from the question, the taste or the temperature.

“The fucking headboard came off. Next time you want to try out some kinky shit, make sure your fucking props are a bit sturdier.”

“Oh… well… I’m not exactly used to having such a hunk in my bed.”

“Stop fucking buttering me up, bitch. I won’t fucking kill you, but I also don’t want to hear any more of your bullshit sweet-talk.”

Lilly frowned and muttered “Don’t call me a bitch.” under her breath and his eyebrows shot up.

“Are you for fucking real right now?”

“I hate the word. It’s degrading to women.”

“Says the bitch that left me with my arms tied over my head all night.”

“Apparently not all night.” she murmured and Negan scoffed, before she gave him a half smile: “By the way… thanks for staying in your room and not taking your baseball bat to my head.”

 “The day has only just begun, so you better play really fucking nice from now on. At least I got to fire one off before I fell asleep… would have been a waste of a perfectly good boner.”

Lilly hid her grin behind her cup.

“Okay, I’ll think of something to make it up to you.”

“You can start by giving me a run-down of all the fucking things we’re going to take home with us.”

“Can I at least finish my first cup of coffee? I really don’t function properly without a good dose of caffeine in my system.”

“Again with the fucking demands.” he sighed dramatically, “We’re not even home yet, and you’re already busting my balls. But yeah, sure, finish your fucking coffee. Might be a long time before you get another cup. My people at the Sanctuary are going to fucking rip each other apart to get their hands on the fucking stuff.”

“The Sanctuary? You named your community?” she looked at him in amusement.

“Hey, don’t fucking look at me like I’m some fucking weirdo. Just for your information, there are quite a lot of fucking groups out there with much stranger names. And it serves a purpose. It increases people’s sense of community. Strengthens the team spirit.”

“Wow. That actually makes sense.” Lilly sat down on one of the plastic lawn chairs and propped her feet up on the table. She was rather impressed with what she had seen of Negan’s leadership skills so far and she allowed herself to relax and soak up some of the sunlight that was hitting the porch now. She watched as Negan eyed the other lawn chair suspiciously, clearly contemplating whether it would survive an attempt of him sitting down. She pointed over her shoulder.

“There’s a wooden one folded up against that wall.”

Negan followed her directions, unfolded the chair and happily sat down next to her.

“Thanks! I’ve destroyed one too many of those fuckers in my life.”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want you to land on your ass first thing in the morning, Big Guy. One person with a hurting backside is quite enough… Ouch!”

She rubbed her butt where Negan had slapped her earlier. No doubt there would be an imprint of his giant hand there if she cared to look. He seemed to find her discomfort incredibly funny, judging by the devious grin creeping up on his face.

“Fucking hurts, doesn’t it? Good. You’re lucky you pulled your fucking stunt while we were alone. Can’t let shit like that fly in front of my men. So you better keep your fucking mouth shut about last night. Unless of course you really are into kinky shit like handcuffs and spanking, then by all means, be my fucking guest.”

She grinned and, after taking a final sip from her coffee, swung her combat boots off the table and stood up to look down at him.

“Oh please. Handcuffs and a pat on the butt? A bit vanilla, don’t you think?” she had to keep herself from laughing when he choked on his coffee and asked him with a sweet smile: “Breakfast?” just before a loud knock came from the front door.

The boys were back. Time to get this show on the road.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the fucking Sanctuary!

„Hello? Anyone home?“ Jax’s voice was coming from the front door and Lilly left Negan on the porch to go greet him and the others. She heard laughter coming from the small group of men and when she arrived in the living room, she could see that they all looked tired, but relaxed.

Her eyes searched for Jax and when she found him, his smile became even wider. No matter how often she would assure him that she could take care of herself, he was always relieved when she came back from a run, or a hunt, or in this case the weirdest pajama party she had ever attended.

Lilly pulled Jax in for a tight hug, which he returned enthusiastically and he whispered “You okay?”. She nodded and said “Yeah, all good. You?” and he smiled at her again: “Yep. Those guys aren’t too bad.” he lowered his voice even further “Did you know they call their place The Sanctuary?” which made her chuckle.

Just in that moment, the booming voice of the leader of said Sanctuary came from the backdoor. “Guys! They’ve got fucking coffee!” which made the men all break out into different expressions of approval and they made their way to the back porch, while Lilly and Jax headed for the kitchen.

Lilly immediately busied herself with gathering breakfast ingredients. She knew what was coming and, sure enough, she could already feel Jax’s blue eyes burning holes into her and he cleared his throat. Oatmeal, milk and cocoa powder, “Ahem.”, water, the small box of wild berries she had gathered a couple of days ago. “AHEM!”

She finally turned around with an exasperated sigh, “What?”

“So… what happened last night? Did you two, you know…” he wiggled his eyebrows .

“What are you taking me for, Jax?”

“I don’t know. I mean, he was obviously trying to get into your pants.”

“That doesn’t mean I let him.”

“His men were making jokes all night that his bat wasn’t the only hard and long thing of his you’d get to know. They were talking about ‘wives’ or something? No idea what that was about.”

Neither did Lilly, but she felt like they were back in their shared apartment, the morning after some college party. She sighed and put a couple of cereal bowls on a tray.

“Just so you know, he behaved himself.”

“Yeah, but did you?”

She set a pot down on the counter with a loud bang.

"Did those guys rub off on you, or why do you have to be such an ass right now?"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I still haven't forgiven you for making me go with those brutes. I don't even want to think about what could have happened to you."

Lilly turned away from him to hide her blush. She hated that she had to lie to Jax, but she preferred not to find out what would happen if she broke her promise to Negan about not telling anyone about the handcuffs.

"Yeah, well, nothing happened. And we're in, aren't we? We found a home, Jax."

"I hate to be a Debbie Downer, Lil, but please try not to get too ahead of yourself. We still don't know what their place is like. Just... just try to play nice this time, okay?"

“This isn’t like the last time. I mean… a points system? Everyone has to work? And a leader who actually leads? This is going to work. I can feel it.”

“Hmm, yeah, at least we’ve got your approval about King Dingaling out there.”

They looked at each other for a moment and then both broke out into laughter. Lilly handed Jax a tray with more coffee cups and sent him out to the others before she took a last look over the breakfast ingredients to make sure she got everything. She took a deep breath to brace herself and took everything out to the porch, where the six men were standing and sitting and nursing their coffees. The handcuffs that were previously lying on the porch floor were now mysteriously absent, she noticed.

Lilly laid out the ingredients on the table and started to prepare the small camping stove, while stealing glances at the so called Saviors, trying her best to remember their names.

The youngest, Gavin, was sitting on one of the plastic lawn chairs right next to her and was watching her breakfast preparations curiously.

Jax and the guy with the mohawk,  Connor, were talking by the door. Were they comparing tattoos?

Negan was still sitting on the wooden recliner, but had placed it so that he could prop up his feet on the porch railing and with one hand behind his head and one holding his cup, he looked for all the world like he already owned the place. Which he technically did.

He was chatting animatedly about today’s plans with the two men opposite of him. Seth, the bald and grim one was leaning against the railing and the last man, Dwight, was sitting on the stairs that led down to the garden. Lilly tried not to stare at the man’s gruesome scar and thought back about last night, when he had given a rather feeble explanation about how he got it, all the while stealing side glances at his leader. Lilly knew that the environment they were now living in and the lack of a government and law enforcement sometimes called for harsh punishments for rule breaking. But she couldn’t help but wonder about what kind of offense would justify what was clearly a burned face and she especially asked herself why Negan would keep him around. He apparently held a high position within Negan’s group, so what had he done to warrant such a punishment?

Lilly must have phased out, because next thing she knew, someone was waving their hand in front of her face.

“Hello? Earth to Lilly? Were you thinking about my dick, or why the dreamy expression on that pretty face of yours?”

“Don’t worry about Lil, she just zones out from time to time. We call it a brain reset.” Lilly glared at Jax, who was quick to go back to his conversation with Connor. She turned to Negan, who had been trying to get her attention and looked at him questioningly.

“I was just asking what we’re having for breakfast?”

Lilly looked down at the mushy contents of the large pot which were slowly starting to bubble.

“Uhm, yeah, sorry. Chocolate oatmeal with wild strawberries.”

“That sounds hella fucking fancy. Beats the rice and eggs we’ve been having for the last two weeks at Sanctuary, right boys?”

Negan’s men all nodded in agreement and crept closer to the table to have a look at what Lilly was concocting there.

Lilly looked up at him in surprise. “You have chickens? That’s so cool! Do you have other livestock, too? A greenhouse or maybe a garden? I’ve been reading up on how to plant stuff that can sustain people and…”

“Hold your fucking horses, babe.” Negan held up his hands, but he grinned at her enthusiasm. “You’ll have plenty of fucking time to explore Sanctuary. But gardening? I wouldn’t want you digging in the fucking dirt, not when you clearly have other… talents.” he smirked ominously at her and Lilly wasn’t quite sure if he meant her scavenging skills or if he was alluding to something else.

“Now are you going to fucking tell me what kind of supplies you got, or what?”

“Yeah, sure…” Lilly handed a ladle to Jax and told the men on the porch to tuck in. She went inside and up the stairs to go get her list of the stuff she had scavenged and found it on the desk in her bedroom, right under the menacing looking baseball bat. She picked up Negan’s weapon and stared at the barbed wire coiled around its end. What kind of man uses such a fucked-up thing? Lilly slid her thumb over the wooden handle until she reached one of the spikes, almost pricking her skin when she applied some pressure on it.

“Careful babe. My girl can be pretty fucking bitchy if you don’t know how to handle her.”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Lilly spun around to face the man standing in the doorframe, who was watching her with a dubious smile. “How the fuck do you sneak up on people with that giant ass of yours?” And why was he looking at her like he wanted to have her for breakfast? He slowly walked over to where she was standing and bent down very close, to take the bat out of her hand, which was hanging loosely by her side.

“Can’t tell you all of my fucking secrets. You should be happy I didn’t slap your ass this time. I mean… I can still do that if you want me to.” he winked at her and she looked up at him with what she hoped was a neutral expression.

“I think we had enough ass-slapping for today.” she turned her back on him and picked up the supply list. He took the leather jacket from the office chair to put it on and shrugged: “Suit yourself. But you can’t fucking deny that you enjoyed at least some of last night. I know I fucking did.”

She handed him the list without deigning his remark with an answer and he looked at her in confusion.

“What the fuck is that? A fucking love letter?”

She rolled her eyes and secretly hoped he could read. “It’s our supply list. You wanted to know what kind of stuff we’ve got? Well, it’s all there.”

“You keep a fucking inventory for two people in a fucking suburban hide-out?”

“Yes? That way we know what we have to consume first, to minimize spoiled food and I can keep track of what to look out for when scavenging. Why? Don’t you have lists for this kind of stuff at your place?”

“Well… yeah, we do…”

“Alright then, great!” she smiled up at him, patted him on his shoulder and fled back out to the porch. The men were just finishing up their breakfast and Lilly quickly got a bowl of oatmeal for herself and scarfed it down. She had a feeling that Negan would want to start the process of moving all their stuff outside now that he had an overview of their supplies. She was surprised that it took him so long to come back down, but when he did, he immediately instructed his men to get things going.

“Gavin, Seth, get the cars and bring in the boxes for the smaller items. Dwight, call Sanctuary, get Carson on the radio and brief him on the supplies and about Jax and Lilly. Connor, do a quick search of all the rooms, see if there’s any furniture we could use, beside the mattresses. Lilly, Jax and I will start to move stuff out to the front. If we all work fast, we can be home just in time for me to eat fucking lunch and have a wife for dessert, so let’s fucking go.”

  **A** wife…?

Lilly thought that the deliberate use of the indefinite article must have some significance, but the people around her all jumped up to get to work and she didn’t have the time to ponder over the implications.

The next couple of hours were spent clearing the house from top to bottom. Every piece of cloth, every dish and every grain of rice was taken outside and put into either the moving truck or the van, leaving just enough room for the seven people to squeeze themselves into the seats for their journey to the Sanctuary. Dwight had mentioned that it would take them about two hours to get there and Lilly was not looking forward to such a long drive. All of them were already drenched in sweat from moving the supplies while the balmy morning had turned into a cruelly hot noon and a two hour long ride would surely make the insides of the cars smell like tiger cages at the zoo.

She had asked Negan if they were allowed to keep some personal items and he had commented that she could take stuff like pictures, jewellery and sex toys, which she had found funny, taken the fact that her love life was non-existent, solo or otherwise. So, after snorting, she had run upstairs to pack a backpack with some of her belongings.

Two pictures, one of her parents and one of her sister with her family. Two books, one about archery and the other a copy of her favorite novel. A binder where she kept information about places she had scavenged and which she was sure she would have to hand over to Negan at some point. And a key she took out of a drawer and which she stuffed into her bra. From the downstairs bathroom, she also took the bottle of hand sanitizer to keep with her during the drive to Sanctuary, in case the sweaty men she would be sharing a car with became too musky.

When they were finished loading up the cars, Negan split the group and assigned Seth, Connor and Gavin to the truck and himself, Lilly and Jax to the van, with Dwight as their driver. The Saviors started climbing into the seats when Lilly asked if she could have one last moment with Jax alone and Negan reluctantly agreed, but told her to “make it a quickie, I want to get the fuck out of here”.

She and Jax went back into the house and stood side by side, facing the now eerily empty living room of what had been their home for the past three months, their eyes on their past and their backs to the door to a new life.

Jax took Lilly’s hand and turned his head to study the side of her face:

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Yep.”

“Did you tell them about the shed?”

“Nope.”

He sighed and tried to let go of her hand, but she wouldn’t let him and squeezed a little tighter.

“Don’t get cold feet now, Lil. You wanted to get out of this shithole. This is our chance.”

“Yeah, let’s just hope I don’t fuck it up this time.”

“You won’t. I know you won’t. If I get a whiff of any kind of up-fucking, I’ll make sure to kick your ass. Come on… I don’t think our new leader is used to being kept waiting.”

Lilly chuckled, shouldered her bow and the quiver of arrows and followed Jax outside. Their assigned seats in the van were the passenger seat in the front and the one in the back next to Negan and she made sure to shoot Jax an annoyed glare when he climbed into the passenger seat a little too quickly. She closed the door and didn’t even have time to put on her seatbelt before Negan turned to her smirking:

“Are you finally done with your goodbye fuck, or whatever it was you were doing? Good. Now are you abso-fucking-lutely sure we got everything?”

Lilly could see Jax watching her through the rearview mirror, but she smiled at Negan and confirmed that they had indeed taken everything useful from the house and that they were ready to go.

Negan gave Dwight the command to get going and eased back into his seat with a yawn, the large space at his feet allowing him to stretch his long legs. Lilly eyed her bow and the baseball bat lying on the floor between them and then turned around to take one last look at the school, the street and the townhouse. She chuckled quietly to herself and Negan raised an eyebrow.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh just… those walkers I placed in the front yard? I named one of them Bob. Anytime I’d got out to hunt or scavenge I’d say ‘Bye Bob, have a nice day!’ and when I got back, I’d greet him with ‘Hi Bob! Has everything been quiet while I was gone?’.”

A sudden wave of sadness hit her when she thought about leaving Bob behind and she only faintly registered Negan looking at her like she was a crazy person while she scolded herself for having these thoughts. He was just a rotting corpse. She didn't even know what or who he was before he died. Not he. It.

“I think you’re gonna like it at Sanctuary.” Dwight pulled her out of her own mind and Jax immediately started to ask more questions about their destination. Lilly listened intently, but kept quiet for the most part. She had done more talking over last day and a half than she had done in the previous three months combined and she was exhausted and felt a headache creeping up to her forehead. She propped an elbow against the window and leaned her head on her hand, rubbing her temple and sighing when she noticed some movement to her right. Negan had been watching her intently and turned around to reach behind them into the back of the van and came back with a small plastic bottle of water, which he held out to her.

“Gotta stay fucking hydrated, babe. You still have a long day ahead of you.”

She thanked him and chugged down the whole bottle.

“Whoah… easy now! Just for your information, we won’t stop at every fucking lamppost for a potty break.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll try to hold it.” she smiled, feeling a little better. She stretched her legs and leaned her head against the cool window, watching the trees and fields and buildings outside go by, listening to Jax and Dwight chatting, with the occasional comical comment from Negan, and feeling the vibrations of the vehicle all around her. The lack of sleep and the physical labor from this morning were finally catching up to her and she felt herself slowly slipping into blissful nothingness, the last thing she registered a determined “Shhhh!” coming from her right.

 

The van jerked to a stop and Lilly woke with a start. She looked around in a panic, completely disoriented for a moment until her eyes focused on Jax’s face, looking worriedly at her from the passenger seat. She took a shaky breath and turned her head to look at Negan, who was wearing a similar expression to Jax’s, but whose face lit up upon seeing that she was alright.

“Home sweet fucking home!” he beamed at her and pointed to the front window with a gloved hand. The van was facing a street which ended at a barrier, with concrete road blocks in between and a chain link fence stretching to the left and right of the gate. Behind the fence, a massive factory building was looming over the area, its tower covered in windows facing the yard and the smaller hall-like building underneath and studded with three chimneys on the very top.

Lilly’s jaw dropped at the sight of the impressive structure, but the thing that really made her heart beat faster from excitement wasn’t the first look at her new, impressive home. It was the sight of the hundreds upon hundreds of walkers along the fence. They were chained to cars and to the road blocks, tied to stakes in the ground, put on leashes that led to the chain links and some of their heads were even impaled on spikes. Their collective groaning and moaning filled the air just as much as the stink of rotting corpses and Lilly could not stop staring in wonder at them, the corners of her open mouth turned upwards.

“Jesus fuck.” Jax mumbled and Lilly finally managed to articulate a whispered “Fucking genius…” while Dwight carefully navigated around the slabs of concrete and through the now opened gate into the yard.

“Welcome to Sanctuary!”

Negan’s gaze was back on Lilly, clearly happy with her reaction and he opened his door, picked up his baseball bat and hopped out of the van. Lilly was quick to gather her own weapons and step out into the sunlight, eager to take a closer look at the factory and its surroundings.

The yard contained some more cars and trucks and a couple of motorcycles parked on one end, but was otherwise empty if you didn’t count the small gatehouse by the barrier. Lilly could just make out what looked like more industrial buildings on the other side of the fence and she stretched her arms and bent down to touch her toes to chase away the last remnants of sleep before turning around to see the big metal doors of the factory opening and a couple of people approaching the cars.

Leading them was a timid looking man with short dark hair and rimmed glasses, who made a beeline for Negan while the other men and women went for the back of the truck and van, all the while staring at Lilly and Jax with unhidden curiosity. Lilly and Dwight went around the van to join Jax, Negan and the man who was introduced as Carson.

“Welcome back, Sir. Marcus and his team have made good progress with the solar panels. I scheduled a shower and a physical with Doctor Fisher for our newcomers.” he addressed Jax and Lilly “I’m going to need you to give up all your weapons.”

Jax opened his mouth in protest, but Lilly put a hand on his shoulders and smiled at Carson. “Of course. You have to promise me, though, to be really careful with my baby here.” She slipped her bow and quiver from her shoulder to hand them to Carson and took off the belt with the sheath for her machete while Jax surrendered his knife and handgun. “I take it we get those back at some point?” she looked up at Negan while unholstering her revolver.

“As soon as I can be sure you won’t fucking kill me in my sleep, babe.” he winked before his eyes widened when she reached down to pull a butterfly knife from her boot.

“Jesus fucking Christ, woman, you’re carrying a small fucking arsenal around. Are you sure those are boobs underneath that shirt and not cannon balls? Do I need to pat you down?” he grinned despite the warning tone in his voice.

“I promise that’s all.”

“Uh-huh. I’ll take your fucking word for it. Though I hope you noticed that all my men are as fucking armed to the teeth as you just were.”

Lilly wasn’t surprised that Negan was still cautious. She hadn’t exactly gone out of her way to make him trust her and she knew that bringing newcomers into your community always meant a risk.

“I prepared the quarantine room for them to take them there after their doctor’s visit. I guess a meal tonight and one in the morning and then the job interviews?” Carson asked his leader. Lilly and Jax looked at each other and back at Carson in confusion, who explained: “We require every new resident to undergo a physical examination upon arrival, to see if they carry any diseases. The quarantine is just a 24 hour hold to make absolutely sure that you’re healthy. We have a lot of people here and we can’t afford for anyone to get sick. Tomorrow you will be allowed to walk around freely and we’re going to schedule a job interview with both of you, to see where we can put you to work.”

Negan started to slowly move towards the door, where five women were standing who were all inexplicably dressed like hookers and not the expensive kind, Lilly noticed.

“Meals yes, interviews no. At least not for her.” he turned around and pointed the barbed wire end of his baseball bat at Lilly. Everyone looked at Negan in confusion and the grin on his face took on a shark-like quality. “Sir?” Carson asked the retreating man who had his eyes fixed on Lilly.

“Lilly is going to join Dwight, Seth and Gavin on fence duty for her first three weeks here.” Lilly slowly turned around to the fence and the undead in realization and horror and a strangled “No!” escaped her lips.

“Oh yes, baby! I know you’re going to take to the job like a fish to fucking water. You’re going to have plenty of fucking opportunity to chain and tie and bind fucking things to other fucking things and I know just how much you love doing that. So… you’re fucking welcome, sweetheart. Tata!” he laughed and turned to spread his arms for the women waiting for him and disappeared into the Sanctuary, leaving his men looking after him in confusion and Lilly seething with rage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It puts the bucket on the walker, or else it gets the hose again...

_“Put your arms up and cough, please!”_

_“This is the cafeteria. Commissary is down that hall and community showers to the right.”_

_“They put me in engineering. I’m supposed to check the entire Sanctuary from top to bottom for improvements. The outposts, too. You alright, Lil?”_

_“What do you want? Rice or pasta? I don’t have all fucking day.”_

_“Ha! Good one! You don’t have nearly enough points for soap. Try again next week.”_

_“PUT THE FUCKING BUCKET ON THAT THING!”_

_“You’re the newbies, right? I’m Paula, one of the lieutenants. Welcome to Sanctuary. Now get the fuck up from our table.”_

Lilly collapsed onto the bench of one of the cafeteria tables and buried her face into her arms, grateful that the pre-dinner bustle hadn’t started yet and that the room was almost empty for now, except for about ten people scattered around various tables. She hadn’t been this exhausted since the first couple of days after the world had ended and she was close to crying from the combination of getting next to no sleep, people being dicks to her and having to navigate and remember all the new rules, buildings and faces. Not to mention the alarming increase in human interaction, both positive and negative. The Saviors were of course curious about the two newcomers and wanted to know everything from marital status to favorite animal, but were also quick to remind both Lilly and Jax where they stood on the proverbial totem pole at Sanctuary.

The past two weeks had been a blur of activity and while Jax seemed quick to adapt to their new surroundings, Lilly was having a hell of a hard time with it. She slept even less now, lying awake for hours on her small cot in the dormitory, listening to the sounds of the people around her rustling, snoring and talking in their sleep. She and Jax had a small section to themselves, separated by curtains to give them at least some amount of privacy in the large room, occupied by those Saviors that didn’t have enough points for their own room yet, or who simply didn’t mind sharing sleeping arrangements with thirty other people.

Apart from what seemed like a cacophony of sounds after spending the last three months in near total silence, the other thing keeping Lilly awake were her own thoughts. There was the ever present fear of someone dying in their sleep and attacking the others in the dormitory, and Lilly still couldn’t be one hundred percent sure that none of the living here would attack them, or steal from them, or god knows what other fucked up things people did these days. Luckily, Jax didn’t complain too much when she slipped into his bed and cuddled up against him in the early hours of the morning, to get at least a couple of minutes of sleep before having to face another day of hard physical work on the fence. Jax merely mumbled something about her at least taking off her boots, before turning around and going back to sleep.

Most people at Sanctuary had been nice enough to them so far. It had taken some time for Dwight, Seth and Gavin to accept Lilly on their team and during their first week working together, they had alternated between pestering her about what she had done for Negan to assign her to fence duty and barking orders at her. The former had sizzled down when it had become clear that Lilly wouldn’t disclose their leader’s reason for making her do work that was meant as a form of punishment. And when she had started to get the hang of catching new walkers, loading them into a truck and chaining them to the fence, their rude comments had stopped as well. It had probably helped that Lilly had saved Gavin out of a tight spot where he had stupidly gotten himself surrounded by a bunch of biters. She had also started to snap back at them at some point and the three men had realized that everyone could get along just fine, without adding further stress to an already very stressful day of work.

Lilly was glad that she had become friendly with her teammates. Handling undead had been more to her than just hard physical labor with the added excitement of risking your life. Getting along well with the others had reduced her crippling panic to a bearable tingling of fear at the base of her spine. The reason that she used a long machete as her weapon of choice was that she couldn’t stand coming too close to their rotting faces with their snarling mouths and their teeth snapping at her, trying to rip out chunks of flesh.

Lilly shuddered at the thought of getting up close and personal with walkers again tomorrow to fill the spaces in front of the fence with an ever growing army of the undead.

She felt someone sitting down opposite of her and thought that maybe Jax had finished inspecting every nook and cranny at Sanctuary early today, or that maybe the three boys had decided to join her for dinner early. She raised her head just enough to peek over her arms and was greeted by a pair of boobs nearly spilling out of a black satin corset. Lilly sat up to look at the owner of those boobs and wasn’t surprised that they belonged to one of Negan’s wives.

“Hello! You’re Lilly, right? I’m Sherry. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to properly welcome you to Sanctuary yet, I’m usually one of the first to greet newcomers as soon as they arrive.”

Lilly tried not to laugh. Sherry sure as shit was the first to greet Jax the moment they got out of quarantine.

Lilly managed to return Sherry’s smile with one of her own, despite immediately becoming painfully aware of how bad she looked in contrast to the well-groomed woman in front of her. Shiny hair flowing freely down her shoulders, soft skin that smelled nice, sexy lingerie covered only by a thin jacket, a touch of makeup. Lilly, on the other hand, had just finished her work on the fence and she was sweaty and tired, with dark circles under her eyes, frizzy hair not quite contained in a ponytail and the skin on top of her shoulders peeling away from the severe sunburn she had gotten from being outside every day. She wished she had opted to go straight for the showers and try out her brand new bar of soap instead of resting in the cafeteria for a moment and she wondered briefly if she would look too much like a madwoman if she just jumped up and ran away.

“So… Negan has asked me to talk to you… I don’t know how familiar you are with how things work here at Sanctuary? We’ve all been wondering why he put you on fence duty, that’s usually something used as punishment…”

Sherry looked at Lilly expectantly. Lilly was by now used to people asking her what she had done to warrant being punished right upon her arrival at Sanctuary. She had her standard answer ready, despite being momentarily stunned by Sherry’s statement that their leader had sent her to talk to her. Lilly hadn’t interacted with Negan since he had brought her and Jax home with him, not counting him watching her from the other side of the fence once or twice, smirking at her through the chain links, no doubt pleased with having gotten in the last word. Or maybe he was just making sure she was doing her job.

“I might have been a little too sassy when Negan and the Saviors found us. It’s not the first time my big mouth got me in trouble,” Lilly shrugged and smiled, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Oh, alright then. People have been talking about you and him spending the night together? We just thought something might have happened, you know…”

Lilly thought that Sherry wasn’t exactly subtle in trying to extract information from her. She also didn’t like the fact that she was apparently already the new main attraction of the Sanctuary’s rumor mill.

“Nah, nothing like that. I guess our fearless leader’s just not a big fan of backtalk.”

“Hmm, I can’t say I ever got in trouble with him for that… then again, as a wife I have some special privileges, of course. Which is actually why I came to talk to you. I don’t know if Negan told you about us wives yet…?”

“Uhm, no, I haven’t really seen him since I got here. Dwight told me about you, though.”

“Dwight talked about me?” Sherry leaned forward eagerly “What did he say?”

“He just explained what the wives are, what you do, you know?” Lilly tried very hard to keep the mixture of disgust and amusement she was feeling out of her voice. Dwight had told her exactly what a wife’s “job” was and he had also opened up a bit about his relationship with Sherry before she had accepted Negan’s proposal, but Lilly thought it was best to just let Sherry talk and to not appear too judgy.

“Oh, okay. Well then maybe you know that we are Negan’s companions. There are currently five of us and we live with him upstairs in the penthouse, beautifully furnished, by the way, with great amenities. We take care of his emotional needs, if you know what I mean, and in return we don’t have to work for points.”

Sherry sounded like real-estate agent trying to get rid of the shabby fixer-upper with a memorized sales speech. It was quite the contrast to Dwight’s “He fucks them and they get pampered in exchange.”, but the overall message was still the same, Lilly thought, while Sherry continued:

“He takes care of us and keeps us safe. This world has become so dangerous, especially for a girl. I mean, who in their right mind would want to go outside and fight monsters? I remember how horrible it is out there…” She actually sniffled a little and Lilly had to suppress the laugh that was threatening to escape her lips.

“So… when a new girl joins the Sanctuary, Negan often asks them if they are interested in becoming a wife. He usually goes for the really hot ones, but he must have taken a liking to you, I guess…”

Lilly blinked and tried thinking about what to say to that, but Sherry wasn’t even paying attention to her. She was twirling a strand of her hair and looking at the kitchen workers who had started to bring out dishes and she continued with a bored expression:

“Anyway… we are kind of running low on space upstairs and Negan actually has everything he needs with us five, but I’m still supposed to ask you if you’re interested.”

Lilly let out a short laugh, not trying to hide her disdain anymore after Sherry decided to comment on her appearance.

“Uhm, thanks, but no thanks. I actually like going out there and contribute to the community, you know?”

Sherry appeared to have stopped listening after the word “no” and merely gave her sickly sweet, but obviously fake smile while standing up from the bench.

“Okay, I’ll tell him you’re not interested. Have a nice dinner and please don’t hesitate to come to me if you ever have any problems here, okay? Oh and please say hi to Dwight and to your friend Jax. See ya!”

And away she bounced, back up the stairs, over the walkway and into the “Tower”, the tall building which provided housing for Negan, his wives and his lieutenants. Lilly stayed back at the table wondering how she managed to walk in those high heels without them getting caught in the metal grates. The thoughts were running wild in her mind. Why would Negan ask her to be a wife? Why did he send Sherry and didn’t talk to her in person? Should she be grateful about having had this conversation with Sherry instead of things getting awkward with Negan? And why in the ever-loving fuck did he need five chicks to keep him satisfied? What would the guys say about this? And Jax?

The last two questions were about to be answered when Dwight, Seth and Gavin plopped down next to and across from her a couple of minutes later, placing bottles of water and trays of food on the table. They had been nice enough to get a plate for Lilly, too and she thanked them profusely before telling them what had transpired with Sherry earlier. Gavin’s and Seth’s eyes widened, while Dwight looked about ready to murder someone and they all started talking simultaneously:

“He seriously asked you?”

“What did Sherry say?”

“What did YOU say?”

“Please tell me you told him to fuck off…”

“Who is supposed to fuck off?”

Jax had since arrived at the table and was standing behind Dwight, looking down at them with curiosity. Lilly gave him a quick recap of her conversation with Sherry and unlike her team mates, Jax didn’t seem too surprised by this new development. He didn’t even bother asking her what her answer was, he knew Lilly well enough to know that she would never accept this kind of proposal.

“You didn’t tell her to fuck off, did you?” was the only concern he had and Lilly told him that she had been perfectly civil, despite Sherry’s snarky remarks about her appearance.

“Don’t let Sherry get under your skin. She can be a bitch sometimes, but she wasn’t always that way. I guess she regrets taking Negan up on his offer of becoming a wife,” Dwight said with a sad expression on his face and the other men tried to look anywhere but at him. The wives were clearly a touchy subject for Dwight and it made everyone uncomfortable whenever it came up in his presence.

After Lilly had assured the four men around her that she would not disappear to the depraved microcosm that was Negan’s penthouse, they all had a pleasant time at dinner.

“Are you going to come hang out with us tonight?” Seth asked Lilly when they had all finished their plates of rice with what the Saviors called ‘mystery sauce’.

There were two recreation rooms at Sanctuary. One for the Tower residents that was out of bounds for anyone else and one for the ‘Groundlings’. It was basically just a part of the huge cafeteria equipped with sofas, ping pong tables and shelves with books and board games and many of the lieutenants opted to spend their free time there instead of in the Tower.

“No, I’m going to take a walk and then I’ll try to get some sleep,” Lilly declined once again. Dwight, Seth and Gavin had invited her multiple times over the last two weeks to join them in the rec room, but she always refused in favor of getting some hours of sleep before the rest of the people living in the dormitory turned in for the night. She would have loved to play cards and talk with the others, but she couldn’t afford to run only on fumes in the morning. Not when her current job was not only exhausting, but also dangerous.

The three men tried to convince her to stay, but she took her tray to bring it back to the counter where the food was handed out, bid them all good night and headed for the doors to the inner courtyard. It was separated from the outer perimeter with another fence, this one without the added defense of the undead. Across the yard was the dormitory and on the left and right several smaller buildings that acted as armories and storage buildings and one large office building that had been transformed into a housing facility for those who wanted a room to themselves. The courtyard itself contained some playground equipment to keep the children of The Sanctuary entertained and a couple of picnic tables where people liked to hang out after dinner for some drinks while the nights were still so warm.

One long beer table was covered with rows upon rows of solar powered camping lanterns, each one bearing the name of its owner. Every resident of The Sanctuary got a lantern when they arrived and were then responsible to put it on the ‘charging table’ in the morning and pick it back up before sundown. If you forgot to charge your lantern you had to rely on others to walk with you, since the use of candles was heavily monitored to avoid fire hazards.

It was at the charging table that Lilly waited for Jax to join her on their daily after-dinner walk. It was an opportunity to stretch their legs a bit and talk in private about their day, since everywhere else you were bound to have people listening in on your conversations. Jax soon arrived and put an arm around her shoulders encouragingly to steer Lilly in the direction of the inner fence along which they walked a couple of rounds every night.

“Dwight seemed a little peeved about Sherry approaching you,” Jax dove right into the conversation at hand.

“He’s peeved about the whole wife thing. I can’t blame him, it’s totally weird, even without your former spouse being a member of the fuck club.”

“The way I see it, though, said spouse is a bit of a bitch. I mean, she chose to become a wife, it’s not like Negan forces those women.”

Lilly scowled and slapped Jax on his arm, half serious, half playful. “Don’t call her that. But no, Sherry didn’t seem too perturbed about me declining. Quite the contrary, actually. I think those girls don’t like to share whatever it is they have.”

“Connor told me that they are free to leave whenever they want, but that it hardly ever happens. Do you know Haley from the kitchen crew? She was a wife for a couple of weeks, but apparently she got cold feet and left.”

“Good for her. I mean, can you imagine just sitting on your ass all day doing nothing, waiting to get chosen to suck someone’s dick?”

“Eh… I don’t know. Do you think they get candy?”

They both laughed and continued their rounds while joking about all the different ways the wives had to ‘perform’ and made guesses about what special treats they got for their services. After about an hour, Lilly wished Jax a good night on which he commented “Yeah, see you in MY bed later”. He went back to the cafeteria to join the others for a game of poker and a glass of bourbon and Lilly disappeared into the blissfully empty dormitory to enjoy some peace and quiet and hopefully some sleep.

 

A couple of days later, Dwight, Seth, Gavin and Lilly had just arrived back at Sanctuary after another day of catching walkers and chaining them to the fence. They all hopped out of the truck and were laughing together about a particularly ugly biter Lilly had caught that day that she had named Kevin.

“So when is the wedding, Lil? I gotta make sure there are enough suits and ties in inventory until then,” Dwight grinned while they made their way to the water tank to wash their hands and faces.

Lilly put on a dreamy expression. “I thought maybe spring… outdoors… beautiful vintage theme with cream and rose colors. We need lots of time for planning and after all, Kevin and I only just met.”

The three men laughed and Gavin commented that he would have to puke red wine to add to the color scheme, which made Lilly splash him with water and soon they were all trying to get each other as drenched as possible.

“Lilly and Kevin, sitting on a tree… b-i-t-i-n-n-g!” Gavin sang and Lilly and the others nearly doubled over laughing because of his off-key singing and his awful spelling.

“Who the fucking fuck is Kevin?”

They all spun around to a rather disgruntled looking Negan, baseball bat on his shoulder, the other hand on his hip.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Why the fuck are you wasting the fucking water like that?”

Lilly looked down on herself and then at the others who were all dripping wet from their little water fight.

“Sorry boss, we were just joking around and got a little carried away.”

“I can fucking see that Dwight. Maybe I should take away some fucking points from each of you to remind you that water doesn’t come from the fucking tap anymore?”

Lilly paled. She had worked hard and only bought some absolute necessities to save up her points, but it would still take an immense amount of time and work to get a room to herself one day, which she desperately wanted.

“We’re sorry Negan. We promise it won’t happen again,” Seth reassured him. Lilly knew that Seth and Dwight were more relaxed about their points, but because Gavin wasn’t a lieutenant, he was just as protective about his points as she was, since he didn’t earn nearly as much as those in a leading position.

“I know it fucking won’t. Anyway, fence duty is over, we’ve got enough fuckers chained up for now. Dwight, take Gavin and go find Jax. You’re going to take him to the outposts tomorrow, spend two days collecting fucking data about what they need in terms of improvements to the buildings. Seth, go have a look at Laura’s patrol schedules, there was some fuck-up with the shifts. Get fucking going!”

The three men practically ran inside to get away from Negan and his bad mood and Lilly started to follow them when she felt a hand on her upper arm.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going, sunshine?”

“Inside?”

Lilly looked up at him questioningly. She hadn’t been alone with him, or even talked to him since she had arrived at Sanctuary and the fact that he had put her on fence duty and his ‘marriage proposal’ still occupied her mind a lot. He let go of her and looked her up and down.

“Not yet. You need a fucking job, right? Jeez, babe. You look like shit, despite the little wet t-shirt contest you’ve got going on there.” Negan stared pointedly at her chest where the soaked grey tank top clung to her black sports bra and Lilly raised an eye brow and crossed her arms. He grinned and his eyes wandered back to her face.

“This fried fucking chicken look really doesn’t suit you. Aren’t you using sunblock? I’m pretty fucking sure we have a couple of bottles in inventory.”

“I didn’t have enough points and then I just kind of forgot about it.” Lilly shrugged. She knew her pale skin wasn’t coping well with being outside all day. Summer was almost over, but the sun still did a good deal of damage to her and she wasn’t used to it, having stayed in the shade of buildings and trees while scavenging and hunting before joining the Saviors.

“You really gotta get your fucking priorities straight. Any-fucking-way, I’ve got a meeting scheduled tomorrow morning and I need you fresh and fucking clean until then, so do me a favor and take a fucking bath, have a big fucking dinner and a good night’s sleep. 8:30am sharp.”

“A meeting? Are we finally going to do that job interview?”

“Nope. I don’t need to fucking interview you to know where to put you to work.”

Lilly’s eyes widened. She was worried about what fresh horrors Negan had in store for her.

“And where is that exactly?”

“You, me and a couple of other guys are going to head out in two days for a run. Just a one-day job for your first time. If you don’t fuck it up, and if the others approve, you can join the scavenging team. If you want the job, that is.”

Lilly’s face lit up and she squealed “Yes!” and threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you so so much Negan. I promise I won’t disappoint you.”

She let go of her leader, who looked more than a little surprised by her reaction and ran inside with a new spring in her step to go find Jax and tell him the news. She couldn’t wait to get outside and do what she did best. Plan a run, find supplies, gather them, kill undead on her way in and out. No more getting too close to those things. No more dragging them to the fence full of snapping teeth and grabbing hands. Things were finally starting to look up.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blood, brains and spidermonkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the last chapter has been a little boring, so I hope this one will make up for it.

The black van sped across the deserted road through fields that had been untouched by human hands for so long that all that was growing now were six-foot tall weeds, parched by the long summer that was now coming to a close.

Negan was scanning their surroundings for signs of walker activity, but the trip to their destination had been calm so far. A little too calm for his taste, since one of the van’s occupants was sound asleep with her head resting against the window and the remaining three people were respectful enough not to disturb her. He usually liked to chat during these long drives, and talk about the upcoming mission, but he guessed that it was better to let Lilly catch a few more Zs, before they would have to start their scavenging. Best to have his companions well-rested to face whatever was out there.

Their meeting on the day before had been quick and efficient. His declaration that Lilly would actually lead this run had been met by a couple of seconds of stunned silence, but when they had explained that every potential scavenger had to plan their first mission, she had stepped up immediately. Lilly had presented them with a ledger full of places she had already been to and had the grace to look ashamed when Negan had asked her why she hadn't shown him her notes before. 

They had decided on a small town halfway between Sanctuary and the place where she and Jax had lived. Lilly had been there before and had told them that there were a couple of stores there that might be interesting. Even if the aisles had already been looted, the surrounding houses might still hold something interesting from people who had lived there the first couple of days into the apocalypse. 

The apocalypse. Negan still couldn't warm up to the word. It sounded like nuclear fallout and an exploding sun and the end of mankind, although the latter wasn't too far from the truth, he supposed. He remembered watching movies about people roaming deserted wastelands and he used to make fun of the idiot characters that he had been sure wouldn't last two days in a real situation like that. He had liked to make up scenarios in his head and had arrogantly declared that he would have no problems keeping himself and Lucille safe. They'd probably end up the last two people on earth. As they passed the fourth abandoned farmhouse this day, he couldn't help but chuckle lightly at the irony of it all. 

Lilly seemed to be an extremely light sleeper, because she woke up with a start and asked him “What's so funny?”

“Your face.”

“My face? What's funny about my face?”

“It's all fucking busy when you sleep. Like you've got some important shit to do.”

“Well, I do. I'm sleeping. Sleep is important.”

“Yeah, I fucking noticed that with you.”

“We're here,” Seth announced from the driver's seat and they all looked out of the car to inspect the town they had just arrived in. It looked just like any other place nowadays. Rusting cars, overgrown yards and hedges, buildings with windows that were either broken or blind. Lilly absentmindedly reached for her bow and quiver on the floor of the van and Negan copied her actions with Lucille. They had all spotted the walkers shuffling along the fronts of the stores and office buildings, which had by now heard or seen the van driving up the street and had started to instinctively follow the loud and moving object.

“This place is infested. We should go back or find somewhere else to scavenge,” Laura quietly remarked. Negan thought so, too, but he wanted to see what Lilly would do. He could use a bloody date with Lucille. He just wasn't sure if it was worth the hassle, since the stores around them seemed to have already been looted.

Lilly was busy concentrating on the buildings, turning her head left and right to look out of the car windows while Seth kept maneuvering the van slowly through the street. They had by now summoned a group of about ten biters that were following the van through town, snarling and reaching out for them with rotting fingers. 

“Stop the car!” Lilly commanded, turning around to assess the walker situation.

“Lil, there are quite a lot of them,” Seth argued, but Negan was already in fighting mode, gripping Lucille and fiddling with the door latch, ready to jump out as soon as the van stopped. The girl wanted to kill, he'd happily help her to blow off some steam.

“Give us some distance. Go fast to that laundromat and stop there.”

Lilly's tone didn't leave any more room for arguments and Negan was impressed by how dominant she could be if she wanted to.

Seth stopped as he was told, but instead of jumping into the street, Lilly opened her door and climbed up to the roof of the van. Negan, Laura and Seth all stepped out of the van, their eyes wandering between the group of hungry walkers and the woman on top of the van, who had already nocked and drawn the first arrow. 

“Keep behind me until I say otherwise,” she called down to them while aiming for the walker leading the group that was now about sixty feet away. She released the arrow into the herd and the first walker fell with several behind it stumbling over its now finally dead corpse. Lilly didn’t lose any time admiring her own handiwork and had already nocked a second arrow and added another walker to the ground. Her whole body was as tense in concentration as the bowstring she was pulling back to aim for a third headshot, but her fourth arrow ended up in the biter’s neck and the remaining undead had now come uncomfortably close. Lilly slipped her head through the bow so it would sit on her back and hopped down from the van’s roof, while barking orders at Negan, Seth and Laura:

“Seth to the left, Negan to the right. Make some noise. Try to split them up. Laura and I take care of what’s left. Go!”

Seth and Laura glanced at Negan to watch for any signs of disapproval, but he was already on his way to flank the right side of the herd, holding Lucille in a vice grip and grinning like a madman. He was happy to finally get some action and Lilly’s little show on the van had made him all the more excited to bash in some rotten heads. His and Lucille’s thirst for blood resulted in two dead walkers before the others had even time to get into position. The remaining ones went for his companions, who were now ready to end them. Seth and Laura used their respective knives on the walkers closest to them, while Lilly was busy grabbing the arrow that stuck out of the neck of the one she had missed earlier. She used the arrow to keep her distance from the biter’s snapping teeth and sunk her machete into its eye socket. It dropped to the ground and the arrow slid out. Lilly put it into the quiver behind her back and went for the next walker, this time bringing the blade down on its head and kicking one foot into its stomach to free the machete from where it got stuck in brain and bones.

Negan watched her in fascination until he noticed the last remaining biter had managed to get dangerously close to Lilly while she had her back on them. He ran over and swung Lucille in a wide arc, ending the battle in a rain of blood and rotting tissue.

He straightened his back and looked around for Seth, Laura and Lilly to make sure everyone was still in one piece. Laura was standing in the middle of the pile of dead walkers, panting slightly and cleaning her knife on some undead’s shirt. Seth was grinning and giving him a thumb’s up from across the street. Lilly was still standing next to her kill and was watching him intently. She smirked, said “Thanks!” and went to retrieve her remaining three arrows before she ran across the street to take a look into the shop windows there. Laura and Seth did the same, but they all shrugged and shook their heads after every inspection. Lilly was still busy peeking into every window as she made her way back down the street in the direction they had come from, until she stopped and sheathed her machete to look at an unassuming office structure with her hands on her hips. The rest of of their small group tried some more windows, but anything valuable seemed to already be gone and Negan could feel himself and Seth and Laura grow frustrated.

He joined Lilly in front of the three-story building at the end of the block.

“We stopped for this shit? What’s so fucking special about it?”

“See the steel door and the bars on all the windows? The other buildings on the street don't have that. Someone thought that whatever is inside is worth protecting. At the very least it’s a great hide-out.”

“Well, tough fucking luck. I'm not going to risk destroying the van by trying to rip out that door or the bars.”

“I don't think we have to. There should be access to the building on the roof,” Lilly mused as they walked around the corner into a small alley with some dumpsters. They both looked up the building to assess any possible entryways.

“Are we gonna fly up there? Someone destroyed the fucking fire escape.” Negan pointed at the warped and rusting metal stairs that had escaped from their hinges and were now hanging into the alley.

“No, I can get up there. I’ll try to open the door for you from the inside.”

“What if it’s full of dead fuckers, or worse, living?”

“Let’s check!” Lilly said cheerfully and walked back to the steel door, pulling out her machete on her way there. She put her ear to the door and listened intently for a couple of seconds before she raised her machete and used the handle to knock on the door three times. She then went back to listening to whatever was inside and Negan mimicked her so as not to feel entirely useless. He concentrated hard on any sounds and then he heard it: a muffled snarling and a scratching sound as if someone, or something, was clawing on the other side of the heavy steel. He stepped back and raised his eyebrows at Lilly who put her index finger on her lips and closed her eyes for a moment, still listening to the sounds inside the building.

“Okay, should be two, maybe three walkers. I can handle those.”

“So, let me get this straight. You’re going to climb up there somehow, try to get in through the roof, kill at least two biters on your own -and that’s only what you heard on the ground floor; there might be dozens of undead assholes in that building- and then open this heavy-ass door for us, so we can all waltz in and take whatever is inside. IF there even is something worth taking inside.”

“Yep. That’s pretty much the plan. The other buildings have been picked clean and I’m pretty sure it all went into this building. I think it’s worth a shot.”

“Well, it’s your fucking mission,” he shrugged and they made their way back to the others. Lilly slipped her bow and quiver from her shoulders and handed them to Seth, telling him to “Take good care of it!” and her eyes fixated on the building in front of her. She asked Laura for her flashlight, which she slipped into her belt, exclaimed “Geronimo!” and took off to the building’s wall in a run. Negan realized now what she had been looking at so intently a minute earlier. When Lilly reached the building, she grabbed onto the metal drain pipe that ran along the facade, jumped a little to place her feet on the left and the right of the pipe and started climbing up the wall.

“Holy shit! She’s a fucking spidermonkey!” Negan exclaimed and he and the two others laughed.

Lilly reached the roof in record time and hoisted herself over the parapet, which made Negan remember the defined arms and shoulders he had noticed on her during their little half-assed tryst back when they had found her. She disappeared for a moment, only to come back to the edge of the roof and yell down at them that the roof access door was indeed unlocked and that she would see them downstairs in a minute. Seth shouted back at her to be careful and she saluted them with a hand to her temple, took her machete and the flashlight from her belt and disappeared again. They heard a loud creaking sound, like metal grating over concrete and then there was silence.

The atmosphere down in the street immediately became tense again, while Negan and his two lieutenants waited for Lilly to let them in and it hit Negan that this had been an incredibly stupid idea. One girl clearing out an entire building by herself, going in blind to who knew how many undead freaks, and for what?

“You think she’s going to be okay?” Laura asked what everyone was thinking.

“She’s tough. She can handle herself around those things,” Seth reassured her. He had seen Lilly in action while working on the fence and Negan knew that they had become friendly. He usually trusted Seth’s judgement, but he still felt a nervousness creeping up his spine and after a couple of minutes of them stupidly staring at the door in silence, he couldn’t stand still anymore. He swung Lucille over his shoulder and walked up to the building, followed by Seth and Laura, to try and listen for any movement inside.

Negan put his ear to the door again, but he couldn’t pick up anything with the other two behind him starting to talk about what they might find inside.

“Will you shut your fucking traps for just one second?” he barked at them in frustration, when they all suddenly jumped back from the door after hearing a loud noise of scraping metal. The door swung open, revealing darkness and a very serious looking Lilly.

She looked even paler than usual when she rushed past them and Seth's concerned question if she was alright was met with a grunted “I'm fine. Building is clear.”

Seth and Laura entered and Negan followed suit to find out what had upset his newest Savior and if all the hassle had been at least worth it. They were greeted by an overwhelming stench of decay, piles of blankets and food cans and three corpses lying by the stairs to the upper levels. 

“Another fucking jackpot,” Negan grinned when he discovered water jugs and pasta packages, but his grin was quickly wiped from his face when he took a closer look at the three bodies. All three had obviously been walkers when Lilly had killed them and all three bore a tell-tale stab wound to their heads. However, only two of the three bodies were adult sized. 

“Fuck,” he muttered and turned back towards the open steel door. He could see Lilly leaning against the hood of the van, looking up to the sky with her hands crossed in front of her chest.

When Negan approached her, she was taking deep, shaky breaths and when she noticed him, her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. 

“You really have a thing for sniffing out places that are fucking loaded.”

“Thanks. Though to be fair, it was our place that was loaded last time and Dwight and the others sniffed us out.”

“Just take the fucking compliment,” he grinned and leaned back against the van, all the while telling himself that he was merely making sure to keep his newest scavenger happy and productive.

“So, uh… did those biters in there give you any trouble?”

“They’re fucking dead, right? Isn’t that the point?” she snapped and pushed herself off the van to glare at him with her hands on her hips. Negan raised his free hand in a placatory gesture.

“Whoah, calm down, babe. No fucking criticism intended.”

She chewed on her lower lip and leaned back next to him again, her eyes cast on the ground.

“You know you didn’t kill that kid, right? I mean, not really, anyway.”

“Yeah, I know…,” she sighed, “I don’t mind killing these things, but kids always fuck me up a little. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. It really is completely fucked up if you think about it. If someone had told me two years ago that I’d scatter my neighbor’s fucking brain matter all over his driveway at some point, I would have had them institutionalized.”

“Were you friends with your neighbor?”

“Nah, he was a fucking asshole. Always complaining about the noise coming from my garage. But still…”

Lilly laughed at that and Negan was glad that he had apparently averted some kind of mental breakdown, but he still had to ask:

“Did you have kids? You know, before?”

She visibly tensed and stared off into the distance for a couple of seconds, before answering:

“Nope. I just don’t like killing children. Even if they’re technically not children anymore.”

“Fair enough,” he shrugged, not quite convinced. He’d find out eventually. He always did.

They made their way back to Seth and Laura who were already grumbling about having to do all the work alone. The yield from this house wasn’t nearly as big as what they had gotten from Lilly and Jax, but the stuff they did find was still valuable enough to justify the mission. Apart from two weapons and a few cases of canned food, they were particularly happy about a couple of water filters and some meds, including some children’s tylenol.

They carried everything to the van and were on their way back to Sanctuary after having spent not even three hours on that street. In, out, back home for dinner. Just the way Negan liked it.

Lilly fell asleep again during the car ride and he thought that anyone else would probably think that she had some kind of medical issue, but he knew better. He knew about almost everything going on at Sanctuary and the people patrolling at night had informed him about Lilly’s erratic sleeping habits. They’d often find her reading in the middle of the night, sometimes she would take walks around Sanctuary and chat to whoever had patrol duty and apparently, whenever she did sleep eventually, it would be next to Jax.

He kept wondering about what kind of relationship those two had. They were definitely close, but he had never seen them showing public displays of affection beyond the occasional hug and despite it turning out to be a ruse, she hadn’t exactly been reluctant to slobber all over Negan when they had shared a bed for those memorable couple of minutes three weeks ago.

His mind kept coming back to that night from time to time, especially whenever he had to interact with her and he had lost count of the number of times he had blown his load to the thought of her soft body draped all over him, her hands touching every inch of him she could reach and her warm mouth on his neck.

He had thought a lot about why she occupied his mind so much. Usually when women told him to get lost, he would move on without a problem. He had come to the conclusion that for a few glorious minutes, she had acted as if she had truly wanted him and that was something he hadn’t experienced since long before the world had gone to shit. That and she was hot as fucking hell, of course, even more so now that he had seen how capable she was of getting shit done.

Seth’s voice announcing that they were almost home pulled him out of his reverie and he cursed himself when he realized that he had been staring at her sleeping form for way too long. Lilly woke up from her nap with a yawn and a stretch of her legs and hopped out of the van with the others as soon as the van stopped inside the courtyard. Negan took his sweet time to gather Lucille and step out of the vehicle. The supply run had been fun after all and he knew that whatever was waiting inside Sanctuary could only make his day worse instead of better.

A couple of Saviors led by Carson walked up to them to carry the boxes to inventory and he caught himself being grateful that they weren’t accompanied by the wives who he had no doubt would be all over him soon to demand some treats.

He started walking towards the door and was surprised when Lilly fell into step beside him. He had expected her to run straight to Jax, since he, Dwight and Gavin should be back from the outposts by now.

“So… am I on the team, or what?” She looked up at him expectantly and a little doubtful, although he couldn’t imagine why she would question her performance today. She had done a really good job.

“I still have to talk to Seth and Laura, though I’m pretty fucking sure they’d have my fucking head on a platter if I didn’t make you a scavenger. So yeah, go talk to Dwight tomorrow to set up runs and shit.”

“Awesome! Thank you Negan,” she told him with one of her rare genuine smiles and he couldn’t help but smile back at her, “I’ve noticed that the other scavengers have other jobs when they’re not out there. I’d really like something to do when I’m at Sanctuary.”

“Well since you’re already leading the life of a fucking vampire, you could always do some night patrol shifts if you want to earn some extra points.” His smile turned to a grin when her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Is life here that boring that everyone knows about my sleeping schedule?” she asked, her voice laced with humor.

“Nah, I just like to keep up to date with what’s happening around here. And the new girl roaming the fucking halls at night is pretty fucking newsworthy. Mark almost shat himself when he saw you wandering around for the first time. Thought you were a fucking ghost.”

“Don’t give me any stupid ideas. I might just start messing with people,” she laughed.

“I wouldn’t fucking do that if I were you. You might get fucking shot.”

“Oh damn, right. Sometimes I forget that everyone is armed from top to bottom nowadays.”

“In-fucking-cluding you Miss Terminator. I bet I’d pull a fucking landmine out of your vagina if I ever got that far,” he grinned and carefully studied her face, bracing himself for the verbal, or even physical smackdown that usually followed whenever he got too crude with a girl.

“Now that’s an interesting mental image. How would that work, anyway? You touch it and blow everything to bits?”

“I know at least one thing that would blow with your vagina involved.”

She had been grinning and giggling the entire way to the inner courtyard and Negan hadn’t even noticed that he had been walking there instead of heading for the penthouse. She tried regaining her composure and leaned against the wall next to the door after they had stepped outside, her shoulders still shaking with suppressed laughter.

“Speaking of all my weapons… I never told you this, but I’m actually pretty useless with a gun. Never even held one before the dead started walking.”

“You sure as fuck seemed fucking confident when you threatened to shoot me in the head, back when we first found you.”

“Eh… fake it ‘till you make it, right?”

“Negan? What are you doing here?” Sherry was standing in the doorway to the hall, her hands on her hips, looking at them with an expression as if she had just caught them doing something way more inappropriate than just sharing a couple of jokes. Although they were standing rather close and to be fair, Negan did usually go straight for the wives whenever he came back from a run, instead of having little walks around Sanctuary.

“I’ll be upstairs in a minute Sherry,” he told her and Sherry knew him well enough to notice the edge in his voice and the way his eyes conveyed a serious ‘Get fucking lost’ attitude.

Sherry disappeared back into the hall, but not without rolling her eyes at him first. Lilly pushed herself off the wall and started heading for the dormitory.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you from anything. Thank you again for giving me a chance today, Negan.”

He tried to think of something that would get her to stay a while longer. He had really enjoyed their little banter. But all that came out was a grunted “Sure thing, babe. See you around,” before she smiled, turned around and broke into a run towards the dormitory door.

He shuffled back into the hall and started his ascent up the Tower, already dreading the verbal spanking he would get from Sherry. That bitch was way too jealous for someone who hated his guts.

He kept thinking about the way Lilly always laughed about his stupid jokes and for the first time ever, he decided that he would start frequenting the Groundling rec room more often from now on. Only to keep an eye on his subordinates, of course.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonding Time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoohoo another chapter! I’d love to hear your opinion on this one. Please tell me what you all think.

“Lilly, did you get body lotion?”

“Lilly, can you look for women’s razors on your next run?”

“Lilly, are we out of mosquito repellant?”

“Lil…”

“WHAT?”

Jax looked at her like a deer in headlights and carefully sat down in the armchair opposite of Lilly. She had been trying to relax with a book on one of the couches in the rec room all morning, but every couple of minutes, someone would come up to her to ask her for something. She immediately felt sorry when she realized that it was Jax interrupting her this time. But a girl could only stand so many disturbances while trying to cry over Professor Dumbledore’s death for the fourteenth time in her life.

“Sorry, people have been annoying all morning. I didn’t realize it was you.”

“Why don’t you go read in the dormitory?”

“Cleaning crew is in there.”

“I think you’ve got cabin fever. Or factory fever in this case.”

“You know I hate being inside all day. But all the shelves are full and Dwight said that Negan won’t risk people going out there if it’s not absolutely necessary.”

“Well, he’s right. You’ve had some nice runs lately. You deserve a break.”

“But I don’t want one. There are a couple of factories in New Bedford I want to have a look at. And you know how I’ve been talking about focusing more on coastal towns.”

“You can still do that when the supplies are starting to get low again.”

“What if it’s all gone by then?”

Jax sighed and rolled his eyes, mumbling something that distinctly sounded like “Good thing someone’s keeping you on a leash”.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing,” he put on an innocent face and got up, “I have a meeting with Negan, Seth and some workers to go over the details of what we still need for the solar panels.”

“Do you think you can get them to work soon?”

“Yeah, we’re making good progress. We don’t have enough panels to power the entire Sanctuary, especially with winter just around the corner, but we can use them to relieve the generators.”

“We could all use more hot showers. Have you smelled Marv lately?”

“I try to stay as far away from him as possible, to be honest.”

“I’m sure Negan is going to make you head of engineering soon. Paula mentioned something about him and the lieutenants being impressed with whatever it is you do.”

“I won’t get my hopes up, but it would be pretty sweet. A room to myself and access to the Tower? You could move in with me as long as you don’t have enough points for your own room yet. Although I’m sure it won’t be long until you become a lieutenant now.”

“We’ve only been here for three months…,” Lilly looked down and started to fidget with the book pages in her lap.

“And you almost single-handedly filled the Sanctuary’s shelves with rice when you found that shipping container.”

“No, I didn’t. I’m not the only one going out there Jax. And people like Gavin have been waiting much longer for a position as lieutenant.”

“People like Gavin are never going to be one. You know I can tolerate the kid most days, but he’s way too impulsive and obnoxious. Plus I highly doubt that people like Gavin are the reason our big bad leader has been dragging his ass down here to the Groundlings every night in the past couple of weeks,” Jax wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Lilly, but quickly stopped when he saw the murderous look on her face. “Well, I’ve gotta run, or I’m gonna get my ass whooped. See you later,” and he quickly walked towards the door to the inner courtyard, without even waiting for a reply from Lilly.

Jax was right that Negan had started to spend his nights downstairs more often, something he apparently had never done before. Lilly liked having him around, although she appeared to be the only one enjoying their leader’s company. Some people had even started to migrate to the dormitory every night for a game of cards, though if it was out of fear, or because Negan tended to occupy and entertain the entire hall, she didn’t know.

What she did know, was that Jax hadn’t been the only one making comments about Negan’s reasons for abandoning his wives and the exclusiveness of the Tower, and some had even remarked that his incessant flirting was a sign that she would join his inner circle soon.

Lilly didn’t give a damn about people thinking that something was going on between her and Negan, but she drew the line when people started suggesting that she was sleeping her way up the ranks. She didn’t have a fancy engineering degree like Jax and she had been busting her ass to get some recognition as a scavenger, but that was all soon forgotten in a sea of juicy gossip when people noticed that she never rolled her eyes at Negan like all the others did.

She didn’t expect any special treatment and she didn’t get it, not even in the form of Negan’s crude remarks, which he dealt out to everyone, as far as Lilly was concerned. And most nights, he was more or less successfully trying to beat someone at table tennis, anyway.

Lilly sighed and went back to her book, but her thoughts kept circling back to what Jax had said. She desperately wanted a room of her own, to finally get some privacy and hopefully some better quality sleep. 

When the kitchen workers started bringing out dishes for lunch, she was quick to get up and help herself to an early meal, since her attempts at finishing her book hadn’t been very successful. After filling her stomach with the ubiquitous rice and beans and having an animated discussion with Paula and Laura about a solution to their problem of their feminine hygiene products running low, she finally felt distracted enough to start reading again.

She lay back down on the couch with her back against the armrest and her feet on the coffee table and was one third into Deathly Hallows when she heard a whole group of feet approaching, with their respective owners chatting animatedly between each other. The people all plopped down on the armchairs and couches around her and Lilly noticed a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire in her periphery, but she was too engrossed in Harry, Ron and Hermione trying to infiltrate the Ministry Of Magic to care for their conversation. That was, until she saw an abnormally large and hairy hand creeping up on her book. She gave said hand a soft slap and looked up into a mischievous pair of dark brown eyes.

“No touching of the book!”

“I can touch something else if you like.”

“Only if you want something worse than a slap to your hand.”

“If you’re trying to threaten me, you’re not doing a very good job. Quite the fucking opposite, actually,” Negan grinned and snatched the book from her hands, “What the fuck are you reading this time, anyway?”

“Harry Potter.”

“The fuck? Isn’t that for fucking kids?”

“No, it’s for the young at heart,” Lilly exclaimed indignantly and tried to take back her book, but Negan threw it on the coffee table and put his feet on top of it and Lilly was momentarily at a loss for words from the blatant disrespect he was showing for a piece of beloved literature. He grinned at her as if to dare her to touch him and while she wouldn’t mind showing him her determination, she thought it best not to engage in a wrestling match with him in front of Seth, Connor and Jax.

“Heard you want to go to New Bedford,” Negan changed the topic when he realized that he couldn’t get Lilly to climb on top of him to get her reading material back.

“Coastal towns in general. I was hoping to find more shipping containers. Oh and I talked to Paula and Laura today. We have to go out and find tampons, pads and so on.” The men around her all grimaced. “Seriously? You’re all surrounded by death and god knows what kind of rotting bodily fluids every day and one hint towards the menstrual cycle makes you all squeamish?”

“I’d like to keep pretending that girls are full of sunshine and smell like roses,” Seth remarked.

“You should tell that to Laura, see what she thinks about sunshine and roses.”

“No, thank you. I’d like to keep my balls.”

“What balls? The ones in Laura’s fucking purse?” Negan asked and the guys all guffawed.

They kept joking in between discussing potential runs for hygiene products and materials for the solar panels and when the time for dinner came, the little group split up to sit with other people, only to come back to the recreational area afterwards. It had become a ritual for Lilly to socialize for an hour or two every night before either trying to sleep, or getting ready for her night patrol shift. She wasn’t as strict about her bedtime as she used to be, now that she usually had plenty of time to catch up on sleep during the day when the dormitory was empty.  

She had managed to retrieve her book and was back to reading a couple of more pages until everyone would settle in, but the increasing volume of the people around her made it hard for her to concentrate. One person in particular disrupted her reading with his loud and deep voice.

“So who the fuck is up to a game of ping pong?”

No one answered Negan and Dwight, who had since joined them on one of the sofas, rolled his eyes, before he answered in an annoyed voice.

“It’s board game night.”

“Awesome! You got room for one more?”

“We’re kind of on a rotation. Can’t really use a new player at the moment.”

“Oh. Right… I see. Well, board games are fucking boring anyway. I’m going to go play with the wives. Goodnight losers!”

Everyone had already started to get up to set up the games on the various tables. Therefore, no one but Lilly realized the hurt look that flashed over Negan’s face, or the fact that he didn’t head for the Tower stairway, but for the inner courtyard instead. Lilly gathered her winter coat and her scarf and went after him, ignoring Dwight’s question of where she was going.

She put on her coat and opened the heavy door and was hit by a cold blast that made her hurry to wrap the scarf around her neck. She found Negan lounging in one of the Adirondack chairs that were standing in one of the corners of the courtyard.

“Hey. Care for some company?”

“Don’t you want to kick Dwight’s ass at Chutes and fucking Ladders or something?”

“I’m more a Trivial Pursuit kind of girl, but we don’t have one at Sanctuary.”

“I’ll tell the other scavengers to look for it. Is there such a thing as strip Trivial Pursuit?”

Lilly laughed and sat down next to him. The day had been gray and rainy, but the clouds had disappeared just in time to show a spectacular sunset over the dormitory building. Lilly relaxed into the chair and couldn’t hold back the huge yawn she was trying to hide behind her hand.

“Still not sleeping better?”

“The sleep I do get now has become better. I still have problems falling asleep, but once I’m gone I don’t wake up as often as I used to.”

“I just don’t fucking get it. If I’m tired, I sleep. What’s so fucking complicated about it?”

“Well, you sleep alone, right?”

“So…?”

“I once had to share the room with someone and woke up to his teeth trying to take a bite out of my face. Since then I’ve been kinda nervous about having other people around me at night.”

“Fuck babe. Why didn’t you tell me? That’s why you’ve been working your ass off trying to get a fucking room. I would have given you one ages ago if I knew that you have some kind of fucking trauma.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m going to work for it just like everyone else. I don’t want any special treatment.”

“Well you could always put out for it if that makes you feel any better,” Negan grinned at her and she chuckled. They have had this kind of conversation before.

“Fuck you Negan.”

“Exactly!” They both laughed and then shared a moment in comfortable silence. Negan usually dropped this particular topic whenever Lilly turned him down. But not tonight, apparently:

“Seriously though, why don’t we do it?”

“Do what?”

“Fuck.”

“Oooooh, so many reasons.”

“Name one!”

“You’re my boss.”

“That’s more of a reason to actually do it. You know, strengthen our bond.”

“Bond, huh? Why do I get the feeling that we’re going into kink territory again?”

“You know I’d be your willing fucking slave if that’s what it takes.”

Lilly eyebrows shot up. She couldn’t help but feel at least a little turned on at the thought of her big, fearless leader tied up before her to do as she pleased.

“Alright, name another one!”

“I’m not really looking for anything like that at the moment.”

“What? Fucking feelings and shit? Good. Me neither.”

“No, I mean any form of attachment, really. I had my fair share of meaningless encounters in the past and I realized it’s not healthy for me. The alternative would be an actual relationship and I can’t afford caring for someone so much.”

“Okay, as I said… not my cup of fucking tea either, but don’t you think you’re being a little hypocritical here? You obviously care for Jax.”

“That’s different.”

“Yeah, I bet his dick is different, too...”

“Negan…” there was a warning tone in her voice now. He usually knew not to bring up Jax when they were flirting, but she could tell that he was in a strange mood today.

“Okay, okay. Fuck. So you can’t actually come up with a good enough reason…”

“Your wives.”

That shut him up momentarily. His wives were a weirdly sensitive topic for him, something Lilly had found out when she had jokingly asked him if the the size of his harem reflected the size of his commitment issues. He had not found her remark very funny back then and she had since tried to tiptoe around that particular elephant in the room. It seemed like her answer had ruined the mood for now and she was already about to get up and bid him goodnight, when he mumbled:

“It’s not like they would mind…”

“Oh bullshit, Negan. You know Sherry and Valerie are one flirtatious comment from you away from gouging my fucking eyes out because we’ve been spending so much time together.”

“They’ll get over it. It’s not like they don’t know what they signed up for when they decided to become my wives.”

“Honestly, it looks like none of you have put a lot of thought into the consequences of such an arrangement. The risk of nasty STIs alone makes me shudder.”

Lilly immediately thought that she had gone too far this time and was ready to apologize for her big mouth, but Negan didn’t seem too fazed by her judgemental comments.

“Just so you know, the girls and I get tested by Doctor Fisher every fucking month.”

“Right. I hope you understand that I don’t want to join that particular club. Besides… fearing for my health isn’t the only reason the wives would be a problem for me. I don’t like sharing my men.”

“You wouldn’t have to share me. We could have some quality one-on-one time if you’re not into three-or-more-somes.”

Was he really that oblivious? She turned her head to face him with an incredulous look and found him shaking with suppressed laughter that he let loose when she sighed in exasperation.

“You should see the fucking look on your face right now.”

“Haha, very funny. Still not fucking you, though.”

“Yeah, yeah. I got the fucking message.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m going to remind you of that promise next time you ask me why I won’t climb into bed with you.”

“Oh please, Lil. You know you like it at least a little bit when I’m trying to get into your fucking pants.”

That finally made her blush. He was right, of course, but she’d be damned if she openly admitted to enjoying the attention she got from him. Instead, she decided to talk about something else.

“Did you think about my suggestion concerning a greenhouse?” she asked and Negan chuckled, no doubt amused about both his victory in getting in the last word and her blatantly obvious attempt at changing the topic.

“Yeah, we can try to dismantle some of the windows from the surrounding buildings. Marv thinks he and his crew can come up with something. You’d have to look for seeds or whatever on your regular runs, though. I’m not going to schedule a whole fucking mission just so you can have some tomatoes next summer.”

“We could always ask Hilltop or the Kingdom for some seeds or seedlings.”

“Only as a last fucking resort. I don’t want them to decrease production just because they think that we grow our own fucking vegetables.”

“Good point.”

The issue of other communities providing a part of their loot and harvest for the Saviors had been a source of many a heated discussion between her and other people at Sanctuary. Some, like Dwight and even Jax, thought it was unfair to take from other groups, when they themselves were doing pretty well, food-wise.

Lilly didn’t agree. They were only taking a third from their yield and the service they provided for them in return was worth far more, in her opinion. She had helped with one ‘cleaning’ at the Kingdom while dropping off some supplies at an outpost once. The man in charge there had tried to tell her and Connor to just wait for them to come back, but she had insisted on helping them get rid of the group of walkers that had apparently caused the Kingdom residents to panic. When they had arrived there, the twelve or so undead and the fact that the Kingdom had not been able to deal with them on their own had led Lilly to the conclusion that those other communities really did need the Saviors’ help. Giving the Sanctuary some of their food in return was the least they could do.

“So you know how to do this shit? Planting vegetables and all that? Did you have greenhouses at your old community?”

“No, I always wanted to build them, but we were so comfortable with supplies that people there didn’t think they were necessary.”

“Well that’s just fucking stupid. Was that the reason you left? Lack of foresight on your leader’s part?”

“No, I…,” Lilly brought up her knees in a defensive motion and fiddled with a loose jeans thread on her knee. She had been asked by multiple people, including Negan, why she had left her former community and had always given noncommittal answers so far. Perhaps it was time to tell him the truth, “I didn’t leave, actually. I got kicked out.”

Negan straightened his back and turned his body to glare at her.

“What the fuck, Lil? You told me you left.”

“No, I told you it didn’t work out…”

“You better stop with the fucking technicalities and start talking. I’m not going to continue risking the lives of my people because you keep telling fucking half-truths.”

Lilly sighed and turned around to face him. Then she started to talk.

“Jax and I found them a couple of weeks after the outbreak. We wanted to go to DC, because… well… capital and all that. Of course DC was one of the first cities to fall, but we didn’t know that back then. We couldn’t even get in, it was too overrun with walkers. And then there they were. They had already started to build massive walls. They lived in real houses. Had running water and electricity. It was government-funded, built to be self-sufficient in case of a disaster. They took us in, pretty much without questions. That should have been the first red flag.

I’ve been scavenging and hunting from the start. Been one of very few capable of going beyond their walls. God, they were all so weak… and frightened. Hiding their terror behind potlucks and community theatre. I had some close calls with walkers and looters back then, but I was good at what I was doing. Our leader still didn’t approve, though. Said a girl should stay inside and look pretty.”

“The fuck?” Negan didn’t even try to hide his disdain. While he did have a bunch of pretty girls staying inside for his personal pleasure, those were only the ones who wouldn’t last two minutes outside. They were also in their position of their own free will.

“Yeah, he was an asshole. Total creep, too. He would get handsy with the women. Drugged me one night and tried to climb on top of me.”

Lilly had never seen such rage in Negan. It was a little scary to be honest, the way he jumped up from his chair and started pacing around, one hand rubbing his clenched jaw. She silently waited for him to calm down. One advantage of repressing the memories from that particular night was that she could talk about it as if it had happened to someone else. Negan obviously didn’t have that luxury and Lilly felt bad about springing such a thing on him without a warning.

“Please tell me that you killed the fucker.”

“I did. Kind of. I don’t know what he gave me, but it made me extremely weak. Luckily, it hadn’t started working properly yet and I was able to knee him in the balls. He fell back and hit his head on the bedside table. I suppose that’s what killed him.”

Lilly let out a shaky breath. Maybe her repression skills weren’t as good as she had thought. What had started as an explanation of why she had been at odds with her former leader had turned into her pouring her heart out to her new one.

“Anyway… I could just lie there, pretty much unable to move. I was in and out of it for some time. And then I woke up and he had turned and tried to eat my face. Luckily, I already had started the habit of sleeping with a knife under my pillow. Took all of my strength to kill him and then I didn’t have enough left to push him off me. Sleeping with an undead rapist on top of you is a little uncomfortable. It’s the reason I hate it when the biters get too close.”

“Fuck babe. And I let you do fence duty…”   
  


“You didn’t know,” she shrugged. Negan stopped his pacing and sat back down. He looked at her with such concern that she momentarily forgot how to continue.

“So was that the reason they kicked you out? For defending yourself against that poor fucking excuse for a leader?”

“No. I think if they had thrown me out back then, I wouldn’t be so bitter about it. Killing your leader is kind of a good reason to be banished, no matter the circumstances.”

Negan scoffed in obvious disagreement, but motioned for her to continue.

“His second in command tried to sweep it all under the rug. Burned a walker and told everyone he had killed him for harassing the women. Told me not to tell anyone what really happened, since people wouldn’t accept a little scavenger killing their leader. I didn’t give a fuck back then, as long as that shitstain was finally gone. The next one didn’t do much of a better job at leading the community, but at least he left the girls alone. And then THEY came…

“They? Who were they?” Negan looked at her questioningly. Lilly took a moment to stare into the distance and gather her thoughts, before she continued.

“We had recruiters. People who would go out and look for other survivors to invite them to our community. I had told them time and time again that it was a stupid idea to just let everyone into our gates, but they wouldn’t listen. Reminded me that that was how Jax and I got in in the first place.

So one day they came back with a big group. Twelve people I think. They had been on the road for a long time and to be honest, I initially thought that they would make great assets to our community. They knew what it was like out there. How to kill and how to survive. But then the one guy just started to take over. We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, including the greenhouses. It all escalated when he executed one of our doctors. He had been provoking him for quite some time and I felt like he was egging him on so he could get rid of him. He miraculously started a relationship with the doctor’s wife right after shooting him. I was pretty vocal about what I thought about him and his leadership skills. Probably should have kept my big mouth shut…”

“Sounds to me like you had every fucking right to call that prick out on his shit.”

“Yeah, but it cost me and Jax our home. I wasn’t even the only one who didn’t like where things were going, but I guess I was the most vocal. One night, our supreme leader woke me up with one of his buddies, told me to pack my shit and get out. That he’d shoot me and then Jax if he ever saw me again. Jax came after me, of course. Found me in one of the houses we had chosen as a meeting point in case we ever got separated. I begged him to go back, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.”

“Well he just earned a couple of brownie points in my fucking book. So that’s how you ended up in that suburban shithole, huh?”

“And then at Sanctuary, yeah. That’s my story. It’s the reason why I agreed to come with you. You’re a much better leader. Smarter. More predictable.”

“Stop it babe! You’re making me blush.”

Lilly released a much needed chuckle. The trip down memory lane had been exhausting and now that the sun had long set, the cold was starting to creep under her clothes and into her bones.

“Am I right assuming that you won’t tell me the name of the community so I can’t go there and fuck them up?”

“There are still good people there. And I know you would want them to work for us. But they’re not frightened little weaklings like those at the Hilltop or living in fantasy land like the Kingdom, Negan. It’s best if we stay as far away as possible from Rick Grimes.”

“Eh, you’re no fun,” he complained, although not without amusement in his voice. Lilly noticed him zipping up his leather jacket and burying his hands in his pockets.

“Cold?”

“Fucking freezing. If I had known that we’d be spending hours outside so you could dump all this shit on me, I would have brought a bottle of Scotch. Maybe next time…”

“Hey, you wanted to know my story,” Lilly argued and took off her scarf while standing up. She leaned down to him and wrapped it around his neck, tucking in the ends into the top of his jacket.

“Thanks. Now you’re freezing, though.”

“It’s okay. I’ve got another one. Red looks much better on you, anyway.”

“Wanna know what else would look good on me?”

“Nope. I’m going to try to get some sleep. I’ve got the second shift tonight. Goodnight Negan.”

“Night Lil.”

Lilly didn’t get much sleep that night between telling Negan almost all of her secrets and a couple of guys playing poker in one of the corners of the dormitory. She was glad that Negan had taken it so well. At times he had even seemed to admire her for what she had done. When she finally drifted off for one hour, her dreams were filled with shadowy, one-armed figures behind menacing gates.

The next day at dinner, Negan declared Lilly a lieutenant.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow Days

Negan walked into the hall with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. His mood was exceptionally good this morning. The wives had convinced him to join them for breakfast and it had been an unusually pleasant affair, with barely any bitching going on. Instead, they had all been flirtatious and attentive and it had resulted in a memorable foursome, with him fucking Valerie from behind, while Valerie was eating out Becky, while Tara sat on Becky’s face.

With breakfast long over, the cafeteria was almost empty and he scanned the hall for the one thing that could make his morning even more enjoyable. He found her in her usual spot on one of the sofas in the recreational area, closest to the small wood-burning stove that they had set up and running to provide some more warmth during the winter.

She was deep in thought over some papers in her lap, her facial expressions and movements ranging from frowning, to biting her lower lip to chewing on the pencil in her right hand. The latter was a rather disgusting habit of hers, but it was the entire scope of her mannerisms, right down to the thick green socks on her feet that were nearly falling apart and which she refused to throw away, that made Lilly, Lilly.

Negan realized that he had been staring at her and shook his head to pull his mind away from her lips and her feet to approach the object of his musings and plop down next to her.

“Morning sugartits.”

“Morning fancy-face.”

He chuckled and leaned closer to her to see what she was working on. The stupid nicknames had become a daily ritual, with an unspoken competition between the two of them who could come up with the silliest moniker. Lilly had come close to winning the morning before, when she had answered his “Morning sweetcheeks,” with a grin and a “Morning candy dick,” that had nearly caused him to spit out his coffee.

“Why the fuck are you doing points? I thought Laura finished the lists last night.”

“Yeah, but some of them didn’t add up this morning, so I told her I’d have a look at them.”

Negan sighed and rolled his eyes. Sometimes he felt like he was surrounded by idiots. It was a good thing that his newest lieutenant was so anal about the points and inventory lists.

“Did you see that shit outside?” He put his arm on the headrest behind her in hopes of getting her attention, since she had yet to look up from her papers. Lilly seemed unable to tear her gaze away from them, though.

“If by ‘shit’ you mean ‘snow’, then yes. It was kind of hard to miss when I looked out of the window first thing this morning. I already made snow angels with the kids.”

“Pfff… fucking snow just means more fucking work clearing paths around Sanctuary.”

“It also means frozen walkers. And fun. Don’t worry, I sent out a team to do some shoveling.”

He grinned to himself while he watched her correcting the last couple of pages. In the few short months that Lilly had been at Sanctuary, she had fast become one of the most productive members of his community. She was already sharing responsibilities with Dwight when it came to organizing scavenging runs, while showing no hesitation of going out there herself to get her hands dirty. She also had a knack for keeping some of the weight off Negan’s back when it came to the more tedious tasks of leading a group, like assigning snow shoveling duty to a bunch of lazy fucks and dealing with their resulting complaints.

“Thanks babe. I might just be able to retire soon if you keep doing my work,” he stated half-jokingly. She usually got testy whenever he made quips about her taking over Sanctuary and was very vocal about having no leadership ambitions, but he could not help himself from testing the waters from time to time. Sure enough, she finally looked up from the lists with a raised eyebrow.

“No rest for the wicked, Your Highness. Here, these should be in order now.” She handed him the points lists so he could use them for commissary this week. He folded them and threw them on the coffee table.

“So… snow angels? Why would you willingly go out there in the freezing fucking cold?”

“I love snow. It reminds me of home.”

“And what’s home?”

“Michigan. Halfway between Grand Rapids and Lake Michigan to be exact. We used to have some spectacular winters when I was young.”

“You never told me you’re from fucking Michigan.”

“You never asked.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. He suddenly became painfully aware of the fact that he didn’t know anything about Lilly from before the world went to shit. That was something that needed to be amended.

“So how the fuck did you end up in bumfuck Maryland?”

“Got into Johns Hopkins, got a job in Annapolis after finishing my degree, tried to get to DC when the dead started walking. You know the rest of the story.”

“Annapolis, huh? I used to visit the beach at Sandy Point from time to time. Just my fucking luck that I never ran into your sexy ass.” He was also intimately familiar with the hospital there, but he kept that to himself.

“Sandy Point is nice. Crowded, though. Well, not anymore I guess. Where are you from, then?”

“Crofton, born and raised. Most boring fucking place on earth.”

“Aww, poor Negan. And what did you do there besides being bored?”

“Being the best fucking middle school gym teacher in the whole fucking county.”

“Seriously? You were a teacher?”

“Yeah yeah, I know. How can a bad motherfucker like me be allowed to teach kids…”

“No, I’m sure you made an awesome teacher. It’s just that I used to be one, too. I taught at St. John’s.”

“Oooooh… look at the fancy fucking college professor. I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of fetish to be explored here somewhere.” He winked at her and she laughed. He would have loved to elaborate on this particular topic, but they were interrupted by the arrival of Jax, Dwight, Connor, Gavin and Andrei. He was one of the scouts that commuted between the outposts and took their motorcycles into cities to look for potential places to scavenge. He also had the annoying habit of making moves on Lilly whenever he spent time at Sanctuary.

“Hello lovely.”

“Morning Andrei,” she smiled at him, “Did you have any problems getting here in this kind of weather?”

He took off his gloves and sat on the armrest right next to Lilly with a cocky grin on his face.

“Nah. A real biker doesn’t care about a little snow.”

“Jax and Gavin need some practice on the bikes,” Dwight addressed Negan.

“How good are we on gas?” Negan did not like the idea of them wasting fuel just so they could frolic in the snow.

“We’ve got more than enough. The weather isn’t so bad yet and all the dead are frozen, so the noise won’t be a problem.”

“Fine. Get the fuck out of here, then. Only for an hour, though.”

“You wanna join us darling? I can show you how to ride,” Andrei asked suggestively. 

“Fuck no! No way am I going to get on one of those hell beasts.” Negan’s mood got even better. Lilly turned to look at Jax next and raised her index finger at him, “And if I see you without a helmet out there I’m going to whoop your ass.”

“Yes, mom,” Jax chuckled and the group of men made their way to the Sanctuary’s front doors.

Lilly stretched her legs and put her feet up on the coffee table, her head falling back against the headrest and his forearm. He damned the cold weather even more now, forcing him to wear his leather jacket and not being able to feel her hair on his skin. She stared at her feet and it seemed like she took a particular interest at the holes in her woolen socks. The blank face told him that she had one of her brain resets, though. He couldn’t blame her, really. Between correcting points, entertaining the children and assigning daily duties, her day had already been pretty busy and it wasn’t even noon yet. He almost felt bad that all he done so far was getting his dick wet.

“So you’re afraid of fucking motorcycles?” He tried to engage her again, “And here I thought you weren't scared of anything.” He wrapped a strand of her black hair around his finger and tugged lightly to bring her back to reality. She wiggled her toes and looked up at him.

“I’m afraid of lots of things. Motorcycles, bears, heights, werewolves…”

He laughed at that. “Good fucking thing you only have to deal with fucking zombies.”

“True. What are you afraid of?”

Large dogs. Loss of control. Hospitals…

“Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Told you I’m a bad motherfucker.”

“Uh-huh. And I’m Santa. By the way, I should probably go take a look how the snow shoveling is coming along.”

“No, I’ll go. You take the rest of the day off and catch up on some fucking sleep or knitting or rubbing one out while thinking of me.” He winked at her and stood up. She craned her neck to give him a smile and he tried to convince himself that this one was much more genuine than what she had showed Andrei earlier.

“Thanks boss. I owe you one.” That was kind of ironic, considering she had kept the Sanctuary up and running during his short absence this morning.

“Heh, yeah. Better not fucking go there babe. See you later.” He turned to go look for the snow crew before his big mouth told her exactly what she could do to make it up to him.

The following couple of weeks were slow and dark and cold. The weather had been relatively stable so far, but right after New Year’s, a massive blizzard hit the area and the Sanctuary was wrapped in a blanket of snow and ice. All scavenging was put on hold since they only had one army truck equipped for this kind of weather. Negan was once more proud of his foresight. Inventory was still full with rice that would last them through the rest of the winter and he had made sure back in the fall that enough trees around Sanctuary were cut down so they could keep the furnace in the hall and the stoves in the dormitory and the single rooms burning throughout the next couple of weeks.

His Saviors were in hibernation. Most slept a lot, others socialized more than usual and it only took him two times of threatening people with the hot iron until the occasional fights ceased completely. Or at least, people made sure he wasn’t around when tempers flared too high.

Lilly’s room had become sort of a refuge for him and some others, like Jax, Connor, Seth, Paula and Laura. It was one of the biggest rooms on the third floor, where the lieutenants lived and she wasn’t sharing it with anyone. With the Tower rec room pretty much abandoned and the hall packed with people at all times, the long winter nights were spent playing cards on her bed and passing around the occasional bottle of booze to keep their insides warm.

This morning after breakfast they had once more migrated to Lilly’s place. Connor and Seth were engaged in a battle of chess, while Negan got comfortable on Lilly’s bed, playing cards with Jax and the girls.

“Negan, any fours?”

“Go fucking fish! You have to take off your shirt now.”

“For the last time, we’re not playing strip Go Fish!”

“I’m your boss, you gotta do as I say.” This statement and his pouting earned him a couple of chuckles from the others.

“Can you imagine having someone like that as a leader?” Laura asked while rearranging her cards.

“It sucks, trust me,” Jax answered ominously and Lilly was quick to change the topic:

“Yeah, we’re lucky we ended up here. At least this one doesn’t have shit for brains.”

“Oh please. It was my awesome fucking charm and personality that convinced you to come with us. Not to mention my panty-combusting good looks.” Negan winked at Lilly.

“Your looks? No. It was Lucille that caught my attention,” she said while picking up the bat from its spot against the bedframe and twirling it in her hand, “All soft curves and sharp edges…,” she continued while stroking her thumb over the wood and watching the light reflect from the barbed wire.

“Holy fucking shit woman! Do you want me to nut in front of all these people?”

“Now that's a challenge if I ever heard one,” Lilly grinned and set Lucille back out of sight.

“Jesus fucking Christ, get a room you two!” Seth exclaimed from his spot at the small table by the window.

“We are in a fucking room, dipshit.”

“Yeah. And it’s MY room, and I can do all the nutting I want in here.”

Negan broke into a booming laugh and was just about to comment on Lilly’s ability to make people orgasm, when a knock on her door made everyone look up. Without waiting for an invitation, the door opened to reveal Carson, who looked even more timid than usual.

“Sir, we’ve got a problem.”

“What the fuck is it now? Is Dwight complaining about the Tower rec room again? I told him it’s his fucking responsibility to heat it if he insists on spending his free time there.”

“No, Sir. It’s… it’s the rice. The kitchen crew wanted to start preparing lunch and dinner and they discovered that it’s spoiled. I think it’s some kind of fungus. We opened all the rice sacks and there’s only two or three of them that doesn’t have mold in them.” Carson looked close to crying and he flinched when Negan jumped up from the bed and his lieutenants followed suit.

“Are you absolutely fucking sure that all the food has gone bad? How the fuck did this happen?” he asked in an increasingly louder voice. This couldn’t be happening. Maybe they all didn’t know shit about rice. Maybe it was just some bugs. They could still eat rice with some bugs in it, right?

“It might be the weather,” Connor offered as an explanation, even if it was far from helpful at the moment, “The storage room can get damp, but it’s not cold enough in there to freeze the food.”

“And why the fuck has nobody fucking thought about this before we put the motherfucking rice in there?” Negan yelled before he felt a hand on his arm. Lilly looked up at him with concern in her eyes, but she tried to diffuse the situation.

“Don’t panic yet. Let’s go down there and have a look. There might have been a mistake.”

He wiped a hand over his face, concentrating hard on not letting anyone see that he was shaking.

“Yeah… yes, you’re right. Let’s see if there’s been a mistake.”

There wasn’t.

A light blanket of gray fur covered the topmost layer of rice inside every sack they looked into. Negan did not lose any time and called for a meeting with his lieutenants. He had to get busy to keep himself from freaking out. Dwight and Lilly were tasked with finding a way to get supplies. Negan told them to go every route they could take with the army truck, whether it be the other communities, hunting, or scavenging, preferably further South along the coast. He ordered the scouts to try to get to the outposts and tell them that Hilltop and the Kingdom had to give up half of their supplies now, as long as it didn’t leave them starving. The rest of his lieutenants were told to organize food rationing and to make sure people wouldn’t panic.

His own panic was an entirely different problem. How could he have been so stupid as to solely rely on the rice? Dwight and Lilly did their best while going out with their teams, but the weather got even worse, with snow storms being an almost daily occurrence now. Lilly tried to go hunting once, but came back nearly frozen to death. While wrapping two wool blankets around her shivering body on the rec room sofa, Negan told her he would use the handcuffs from their first night together and tie her to her bed if she ever snuck out again.

The first week after the mold discovery, they managed to keep the news from people at Sanctuary, but after the tenth day without rice and with decreasing portion sizes, rumors began to spread and the Saviors started to get nervous.

A group of people were standing in Negan’s office, demanding to know what was going on, while he summoned his biggest inner asshole and told them to shut the fuck up and get the fuck out. No one would starve, not while he was leader, but he only told that to himself, repeating it in his mind over and over again.

He had just managed to either threaten or calm down the mob enough so they would leave, when there was another knock on his door and Lilly walked in. He was grateful for the distraction, even if he would have preferred for her to be able to go outside scavenging. The way she was nervously chewing on her lower lip and how she twisted her hands in front of her made his stomach sink. She sat down on the edge of the chair in front of his desk instead of assuming her usual relaxed posture.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

“The only thing I can deal with right now is for you to ask me to fuck you on this desk,” he joked, but he already knew it had to be something important if she came to him instead of trying to deal with it on her own.

“Negan…,” she pleaded, clearly not in the mood for their usual flirtatious banter.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Alright, what the fuck is it this time?”

“I think I have a solution to our problem,” she said while holding out her palm to him. In her hand was a small key, of the kind you would use for a padlock. Negan took it and stared at it for a couple of seconds, before raising his eyebrows in her direction to show her that he was waiting for an explanation. 

“There’s a shed, not far from where you found me and Jax. It’s filled with food cans and rice,  stored in airtight plastic containers and with packs of silica gel to control moisture. It should be enough to get us through the next couple of weeks until the weather lets up. It will take a while for us to get there with the truck, but if we leave today…”

Negan didn’t let her finish. He slammed his hand with the key on his desk and she flinched.

“Are you fucking telling me…,” his voice was dangerously low, “that you kept a whole fuck-ton of fucking food from me? From us?” He didn’t look at her. He couldn’t. Rage had started to boil hot in his belly and he forced himself to stare at the treacherous key on his desk, instead of looking into those green eyes of hers that had only ever given him positive emotions so far.

“I’m so sorry Negan…,” she whispered and he could hear the tears in her eyes, “It was my backup in case things didn’t work out here.”

He got up so violently that his chair crashed into the wall behind him. 

“Your backup, huh? Your fucking backup? You fucking lied to me, Lilly. I remember asking you if we had taken everything…”

“And you had! I told you we had taken everything useful from the house…”

“Fuck you Lilly! For motherfucking fuck’s sake!” He spun around to tower over her. She had the sense not to continue her train of thought. He could see through the red veil of anger that she looked miserable; guilty and scared.

“We’ve been talking about people starving to fucking death. There are fucking kids in here that go hungry. And you’re only telling me about this shit now?”

“I thought we’d manage…”

“Well we clearly fucking don’t, Lil. You fucking lied to me. You kept this shit from me because of your stupid fucking paranoias. Because you always fucking need a backup of a backup of a fucking backup.”

“You know why I am like that.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck if your former leaders gave you fucking issues. When have I ever given you any fucking reason not to trust me?” Apart from the obvious problem of her keeping food from his people, that was the other reason for his rage. That she didn’t trust him.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Negan,” she sounded like a broken record now and he didn’t care about her excuses, “I’m going to get Dwight and maybe Laura and Gavin and we’ll leave within the hour.”

“Oh no. You’re not going any-fucking-where. In fact, you’re fucking forbidden from leaving the fucking Tower for at least a month.”

“You’re grounding me?” The threat had brought back some of her fighting spirits. To anyone else, this would have been a relatively mild punishment, but Negan knew how much she valued her hunting and scavenging privileges, not to mention the laps she ran around Sanctuary every other day to keep healthy. 

“You bet your fucking ass I am. You behave like some fucking teenage girl keeping secrets from her parents, you get treated like one. Jax is going to take Dwight to that shed.”

That made her jump up.

“No! Negan, you know Jax isn’t as capable as others out there.”

“I don’t fucking care. He knew about that food, too, right? This is his punishment as well as yours for not telling me about it. Now stop fucking arguing and get the fuck out before I think of something else, like demoting you, or throwing both your asses out into the fucking cold.”

For a moment she looked as if she wanted to continue fighting with him about it. Her chest was heaving and there were fresh tears in her eyes, but this time, they seemed to come from anger instead of guilt and fear. Negan’s jaw was set in a hard line and he put his hands on his hips, as if to challenge her. He almost wanted her to keep arguing so he could take his anger out on her some more. After a moment, she seemed to deflate in front of him and turned around to leave.

When she reached the door, she faced him again. “I really am sorry, Negan. You’re right. I should have trusted you more, instead of endangering everyone. I hope I can make it up to you.”

Her steps echoed through the hallway until he was left with silence and the hopes that the truck would get through to the place where she had stored the food. It would mean that they would survive this winter and Negan swore to himself that he would never rely on only one food source ever again.

It took Dwight, Jax and Gavin two days to collect the stuff from the shed and get back to Sanctuary. The rice was blessedly unspoiled and Negan wasn’t the only one who claimed to have developed an irrational distaste for it. They all kept eating it, of course, but he made a mental note about getting Marv and his crew to build those greenhouses and to look into potential fields to grow crops come spring. He also declared that the other communities would have to keep up with providing them with half their supplies. Anything to keep the risk of facing such a catastrophe again at a minimum.

Fortunately, as January ended, so did the snowfall. People were able to work outside again and the depleted supplies were restocked by his scavengers and by March, everything seemed to be back to normal, the Sanctuary standing tall and proud in the first rays of an increasingly stronger spring sun. Negan should have been elated that they had come out of their first bad winter unscathed, but the truth was that he was miserable.

While Lilly was allowed outside again, he still had not given her her responsibilities back and she had yet to be assigned to a scavenging run. Negan was still seething about her lack of trust and foresight and she seemed to react to his ongoing punishment with icy cold glares and that was only when she wasn’t avoiding him as much as possible. He had kept her slip-up a secret from the other Saviors so as not to add insult to injury for her. However, he couldn’t help but think that grounding her had been just as much punishment for himself as it had been for her.

He missed her. He missed her easy smile and her flirty wit and the way she had never shied away from touching his arm, or his side when she poked him, even if it had never gone any further than that. Instead, she kept ignoring him and the fact that she had become increasingly bitchy with pretty much everyone else didn’t console him one bit. He had caught himself smelling the red scarf she had given him on more than one occasion, even with her scent being almost gone from it.

Her bad mood kept coming up as a topic of conversation between his other lieutenants and he couldn’t blame them. One morning after breakfast, she walked up to their table to ask Seth for the points list to check something, doing her best to look anywhere but at Negan. 

“Sorry Lil, I haven’t finished them yet. I can bring them to you this afternoon if you want.”

“Don’t fucking bother! I need them now. Why can’t any of you ever do their fucking jobs?” She ranted and the people around Negan gasped. Seth stared at her slack-jawed. He had always been friendly with her.

“Calm down! Jeez Lil, what the fuck is the matter with you? You on the rag or something?” Seth asked, clearly shocked at her outburst.

“Fuck you, Seth!” Lilly growled, her face a mixture of rage and sadness, before she turned on her heels and stomped back to the stairs and up into the Tower.

“What the hell? What was that all about?” Seth and the others broke out into incredulous whispers.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Negan declared before standing up to leave for his office. He didn’t want to be around while his lieutenants kept speculating about the source of Lilly’s abysmal mood. Although he silently agreed that her reaction had been extreme and more than just a little out of character.

He spent the rest of the morning pouring over schedules, inventory lists and scavenging plans and it all made him even more acutely aware of Lilly’s physical and mental absence. He really could have used her help in all of this. His pride forbade him from making up with her just yet, though, even if his callous comments added even more fuel to the ever burning rumor mill at Sanctuary.

He was just about ready to throw the papers that were scattered all over his desk to the ground in one sweep of his arm, when a knock on his office door distracted him from his ever-growing frustrations. He called for the person on the other side to come in, thinking maybe it was Dwight with another list of stuff people needed, or maybe a wife to complain about the lack of makeup in inventory. He was therefore surprised when it was Lilly who walked into the room. He briefly debated whether he should feel happy or annoyed about her turning up. He settled for happy, only to turn to concerned when he finally got the first chance in weeks to properly look at her. She was ridiculously pale, her skin carrying a green tinge and a thin layer of sweat was visible above her white lips. Something was very clearly wrong and he felt the strong urge to walk around his desk to help her sit down and to cover her with his jacket.

“Negan, I… I need to talk to you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt our previously scheduled broadcast to show you something much more interesting. Follow our heroes, Liz and Nate, a happily married couple from Fredericksburg, on their adventurous road trip through the Virginian countryside.

“Negan, I need to talk to you.”

Her request sounded lame in her own ears. Lilly hadn’t talked to Negan in weeks and she hadn’t imagined this to be their first conversation after ignoring each other since her fuck-up with the shed. If it were up to her, she would have kept up the silence between the two them a little longer, since she was still incredibly embarrassed about the whole thing. But Jax had been adamant about her going to Negan.

It seemed to become a recurring situation that Lilly confided in her leader. To his credit, she had yet to hear anything back from other people about her past, her secrets and her thoughts. Maybe she really could trust him, she thought as she sat in front of him and studied his face. Lilly had feared that he would dismiss her. That he would still be angry with her. Apparently, though, her own eyes hadn’t deceived her when she had seen herself in the mirror earlier. She really had to look like absolute shit with the way Negan was looking at her as if she was about to collapse any moment.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

No cussing. He really was concerned.

“I’m not feeling well.”

“Yeah, I can fucking see that, Lil. What the fuck happened?”

Oh good. She felt much more comfortable with potty-mouth Negan than with soft-spoken Negan.

“Well, I have been feeling a little uncomfortable lately…”

“Babe, you look like you’re about to throw up on my fucking desk. How about you stop beating around the fucking bush and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?”

She sighed. He was right. He deserved knowing what was going on. Or at least some of it.

“Okay. I’m in pain. A lot of pain. And I’m sick all the time and I can’t eat and I just feel like total crap.”

“Have you seen Dr. Fisher about it?”

“Yeah, but he says he can’t help. I need an ultrasound. That’s why I’ve come to talk to you. I wanted to ask you if I can go to the Hilltop.”

“Why the Hilltop? What the fuck am I keeping Fisher here for if he can’t help you?”

“Well, as I said, he said I need an ultrasound. And Dr. Carson is a gynecologist, so…”

Negan’s eyes widened in realization.

“Oh my fucking God. Are you fucking pregnant?”

“What? No! Of course not. I mean, unless I somehow managed an immaculate conception. But no… not pregnant. It’s just… It’s an ongoing issue and I really need to have it checked out. Please? I’ve got it all planned out. They don’t know me at the Hilltop, so I can just say I’m from the Kingdom and…”

“Yeah. Good plan. Pack up some shit. We’ll leave in an hour.”

“Okay. Wait… What? We?”

“Yes, we. I’m coming with you.”

“No Negan, you can’t. It’s too dangerous. Jax can come with me”

“Fuck no. You said it yourself that Jax is fucking useless out there. They don’t fucking know me at the Hilltop either. No one at the other communities has ever seen me. I’m coming with you. This is not up for discussion, Lilly.”

He had the same look like back when they were fighting about who would go to the shed. As if he was daring her to keep arguing. But Lilly was tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of the pain. And tired of herself and her stupid tendency to shut people out. Negan wanted to help her and if she was being honest with herself, she appreciated having someone as big and intimidating as him to go on this trip to an unknown community with her. Not to mention the warm feeling she got thinking that he cared about her. Even if it was just because she was a good scavenger.

“Okay. I’ll see you outside in an hour.”

She went upstairs to her room, took another ibuprofen, washed herself as thoroughly as she could and packed a backpack with some essentials in case they would have to stay the night there. The dull abdominal pain and the nausea made her sluggish, so it took her the full hour to get ready and go downstairs to meet Negan at the car. Jax was waiting for her at the front door. He already knew that Negan would join her on her little trip.

“Promise me to be extra careful. And don’t tell anyone where you’re from. And do exactly as the doctor says. And come back here, no matter what he finds,” Jax was holding her in a fierce embrace and put special emphasis on his last sentence by looking her deep in the eyes. He knew why she needed that ultrasound.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. We’ll be back tomorrow.”

“If we don’t hear from you until tomorrow night, we’ll send some people for you. I’ll talk to Carson and Dwight.”

“Okay. Take care. I love you, okay?”

“Love you, too, Lil. Have a nice trip,” he said with a conspiratorial smile and a wink that caused her to roll her eyes.

Negan was waiting for her next to one of the cars in the front yard. He was talking to Carson, no doubt to give him some last minute instructions and to threaten him that he would end up on the fence if the Sanctuary burned down in his leader’s absence. Lilly threw her backpack and her bow and arrows on the backseat, where Lucille and Negan’s own backpack were already waiting and climbed into the passenger seat of the silver sedan to wait for her travel companion. She wasn’t exactly looking forward to the two hour car ride. Sitting made the pain worse. But at least she would have good company. If they got over the initial awkwardness of being in close proximity after several weeks of ignoring each other.

Lilly watched Negan through the front window. His body language left no room for arguments while he talked to Carson. He accentuated certain words with his hands, all the while straightening his back to take advantage of his full, ridiculous height and getting just a little too close for comfort with people. The thought made her smile. His lack of boundaries when it came to personal space made everyone else uncomfortable and it would have bothered her, too, if it had been anyone else but Negan. She didn’t mind him getting close to her, though. She liked counting the lines around his eyes, or focusing on the dimple on his chin.

Negan turned around in that moment and caught her staring, which made him grin and her blush. Damn him and his ability to read her like an open book.

“You done swooning over me, or do you need a picture?” he asked with his signature cocky grin after taking his seat behind the wheel. Lilly knew just how to wipe it off his face:

“I already have one in my room. Remember when Dwight found that polaroid camera and I took pictures of everyone? You asked me if I rather wanted a dick pic and I told you the camera doesn’t have that good of a zoom.”

“Oh… right. Heh…” Mission accomplished.

Jax and Connor opened the gate for them and waved while Negan steered the car towards the road that would take them through the industrial zone and to the highway to Hilltop. The awkward silence Lilly had feared about had settled firmly between them and she fiddled with a loose thread on her jeans while the houses outside became sparse and were replaced by fields and trees. Fortunately, her fearless leader wasn’t the type to just sit in silence.

“So… you really have a fucking picture of me in your room?”

“Yup. You and everyone else who is important to me. You are all on my wall.”

“Huh… and why don’t I have a picture of you? It’s only fucking fair, you know.” If Lilly didn’t know any better she would say it was his turn to blush now.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I can give you one when we get back.”

“Can I get a nude one?”

“No.”

“Dammit!” But he laughed, apparently happy with a G-rated photograph after all.

“Won’t your wives give you hell for having someone’s picture on your wall? Nude or otherwise?”

“I’ll leave it in a drawer and just take it out when I need it.” His cocky grin was back.

“Dude…” Lilly scrunched up her face in disgust.

“What? A man has fucking needs…”

“Ha! Fucking needs.” They both broke into laughter. “ Seriously though, you’re way too greedy. Why do you have to jack off to a picture of me, or anyone else for that matter, if you have five chicks waiting to take care of your dick?”

“Because they’re not you.”

That shut her up. Her heart had given an uncomfortable flip. She stared out of the window, concentrating on the landscape that was draped in spring flowers, trying to make sense of what Negan had just said. He seemed to be just as deep in thought as she was, so they drove in silence for a while. The view outside Lilly’s window soon became repetitive, though, even with the occasional walker clumsily stumbling through a blooming meadow. She decided that she would rather stare at Negan. Surely, he was used to it by now.

“How is the pain?” He asked her with a concerned side glance.

“Bearable. Though maybe I should have brought a hot water bottle.”

“You said it’s an ongoing issue. So what the fuck is it that you have?”

“I had some issues with my uterus a couple of years back and had to have surgery. I just want to know if maybe there’s something going on with the scar tissue, or if it has come back.”

“If what has come back? Like an infection?”

“No… it was cancer.”

Negan visibly paled and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. Lilly had expected him to keep asking questions, but he stared straight ahead, his jaw clenched and his knuckles white on the steering wheel. She was grateful for the silence this time. It had been the darkest time of her life back when she had spent her days and occasional nights at the hospital and she didn’t want to think too much about what would happen if the doctor found something again.

“Negan, listen. I’m sorry about the food at the shed. I still feel so bad about it. You gave me a home and a family and a purpose and I screwed up…,” Lilly broke the silence after a while.

“Well, at least you’re fucking resourceful, that’s for damn sure.”

“Yeah, but only because of my stupid trust issues.”

He sighed and rubbed his jaw. “Look, I fucking get it. You wanted to see if Sanctuary really was a place to stay. But I would have thought you had become comfortable enough to tell me about this shit a little fucking earlier. What with you pretty much being my right-hand man. Well, woman…”

“I’m your right-hand woman?”

“Who else? Dwight? That fucker would have my fucking head on a platter if he had the fucking balls to get rid of me. And you’re the only fucking person in this whole fucking factory that works her fucking ass off without asking for anything in return.”

“You’ve already given me much more than I could have ever hoped for.”

“See, that’s what I fucking mean. Now I just have to find a way to get you to suck my dick and I’d be the happiest fucker in the entire fucking apocalypse.”

They both shared a much needed laugh before Negan continued. “Is that the reason you didn’t talk to me for so fucking long? The pain?”

“No, I was just too embarrassed to approach you. And I thought you were still furious with me.”

“Turns out I can’t stay angry with you for very long.”

“Well that’s good to know,” she smiled, “Shit. I was such a bitch to Seth.”

“He’ll get over it. Just tell him you were sick. Maybe help him with the fucking points lists or something.”

“Yeah, good idea. So, I’ll get my old jobs back when we get back?”

“As soon as you feel well enough to start working again.”

“Thank you Negan.”

“You wanna thank me? Let’s talk about this brilliant fucking idea of mine again where you suck my dick…”

Lilly slapped him on his arm, not without noticing the massive muscles that made up his bicep and the way his face lit up as they kept joking and flirting with each other. It seemed like everything was back to normal as they got closer to their destination. When Negan took them off the highway and onto the country road that led to the Hilltop, Lilly told him to stop the car for a moment.

“Let’s go over the plan again. We’ll say we’re from the Kingdom. They don’t have an ultrasound either, so it won’t be suspicious that we travelled here. I’ll tell Dr. Carson about my issues and that Dr. Lozano from the Kingdom sent me here to get checked out. Oh and we can’t take our weapons with us, the bow and arrows are too recognizable. You definitely have to hide Lucille so no one can spot her in case they look inside the car.”

Negan didn’t look too happy about abandoning his beloved bat. Lilly couldn’t blame him. She had never asked Negan why he valued her so much, but it was obvious that he had a sentimental reason to do so. Plus, entering a community that wouldn’t exactly welcome them with open arms if they knew who they really were, without weapons, made Lilly uncomfortable, too.

“Should we tell them we’re married? Friends? Siblings? What do you think?”

“Oh, definitely fucking married,” Negan happily exclaimed, “If I finally get a fucking chance to call you wife, I’m gonna fucking take it. Maybe you’ll get used to it.” He winked at her.

“Seriously? You just declared me your right-hand woman an hour ago and you’d trade that for some pussy?”

“Fuck, you’re right. I’d have to redefine the whole job description,” he mused, “Meh, totally fucking worth it.”

“You say that now. And then you regret it because we’re not compatible.”

“Okay, A: I am fully fucking confident that you are a fucking beast in bed. Trust me, I have like a sixth fucking sense for this shit. And B: It seems like you have given this a fair fucking bit of thought,” he said with a shit-eating grin that made Lilly blush again.

“Can we focus on the task ahead? Which is lying our way through Hilltop so I can get a medical examination,” Lilly tried to change the topic and Negan chuckled. “We need fake names. They know you…”

“...and fear me...”

“...and they’ve probably heard of me, too, by now. You can call me Elizabeth.”

“Middle name?”

“Yeah. Lillian Elizabeth Richards, nice to meet you. What should I call you?”

Negan looked at her intently before he answered, as if trying to figure something out.

“Nathan.”

“Oh, I love that name.”

“My mother would be fucking delighted to hear that.”

“That’s actually your name?”

“Yeah. Nathan Egan.”

“Nathan Egan… Wait… N. Egan, Negan!”

“Clever girl,” he smirked, “My first teacher at elementary school fucked it up and it kinda stuck. And now you have the fucking privilege to be the only fucking person alive to know my real name.”

“Negan is still your real name. And don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. Gotta keep the mystery.” Lilly did feel privileged, though. The thought that he had shared this detail about himself with her, and only her, caused some butterflies in her stomach to get a little too excited.

“Heh, yeah. Is that all then? Or do you need my dick size, too?”

“I already know the approximate size of your dick, thank you very much. I think that’s all for now. We can just improvise the rest, right?”

They drove the last couple of miles in silence, until their destination came into view on the distant hill that gave it its name. Negan parked the car about 200 yards away on the side of the road that led to the gates and they climbed out of their seats and took their backpacks. Lilly watched as Negan hid Lucille and her bow and arrows under a blanket and locked the doors and then they faced the impressive walls of the Hilltop.

“Ready to go, Liz?”

“Ready when you are, Nate.”

They both chuckled and made their way up the hill, both silently taking note of the guards on the wall and their spears. One of them addressed them as soon as they got close enough to the gate.

“Who are you?” he yelled down at them, his spear raised threateningly.

“We’re from the Kingdom. We’re here to see Dr. Carson.” Lilly yelled back.

“I don’t know anything about visitors from the Kingdom. Don’t you have your own doctor?”

“It’s an emergency! I need a gynecologist. Can you ask him if he’d be willing to see me?” Lilly was surprised that Negan had kept quiet so far. She could sense him tense up next to her. He hated when he didn’t immediately get what he wanted. The two guards on top of the wall put their heads together to whisper to each other. Then the first one yelled down at them again.

“Wait down there!” and he disappeared.

Lilly and Negan looked at each other and Lilly gave Negan what she thought to be a reassuring smile. After a couple of minutes, the giant gate opened and a man appeared. He was wearing a coat and a wool beanie on his head, his long hair visible underneath it. Where the guard had looked suspicious and even hostile, this one had kind eyes and he greeted them with a smile.

“Welcome to the Hilltop! Kal said you asked for our Dr. Carson? Are you sick?”

“I am. I’ve been feeling like shit for a couple of days now. Dr. Lozano said I need an ultrasound.”

“Okay. Well, we’re always happy to help our friends from the Kingdom. I’m Paul Monroe. But my friends call me Jesus.”

“I’m Elizabeth and this is my husband Nathan,” Lilly introduced herself and a grinning Negan. She wasn’t sure if her leader was just trying to be friendly, or if he liked the sound of her calling him ‘husband’ a little too much. “We come with King Ezekiel’s blessing and he sends his regards.” Lilly figured that was pretentious enough for the eccentric leader of the Kingdom while Jesus lead them through the gate and into his community.

“How is the old rascal?” Jesus asked as they walked past a fire pit, some tents and towards a row of RVs.

“Oh, you know him. Happy with leading the community in his own special way,” Lilly grinned at the bearded man, “And always concerned about the well-being of his subjects. Which is why he sent us here.”

“Right. Well, Harlan, Dr. Carson that is, he’s busy doing his daily rounds right now. We still have a lot of common colds and that blizzard caused some frostbites and one case of pneumonia. We also have two pregnant women here right now. I’ll tell him that you’re here, though and he can have a look at you later. You’re welcome to stay inside while you wait. You’d have to give up your weapons, though.” He pointed at Lilly’s machete and Negan’s knife.

“Of course. No need for them in here, anyway, right?” Negan finally decided to join the conversation. They both took off the weapons from their belts and handed them to Jesus. “What about your leader? Gregory, is it? You gonna tell him we’re here? Will he talk to us?”

“Oh, uhm… no, I don’t think so. Gregory doesn’t really concern himself with who comes and goes. He doesn’t like to be troubled as long as there aren’t any problems, you know?”

Negan pursed his lips. He looked like he had swallowed a whole lemon. Lilly was rather indignant herself after hearing about how bad of a leader that Gregory person was.

Jesus excused himself to go look for Doctor Carson and told them to feel free to explore.

“Did you keep that butterfly knife in your boot?” Negan asked Lilly with a side glance while they watched Jesus walk towards the tents.

“Of course. I’m not some fucking amateur. Do you have your gun?” Lilly answered while grinning up to him.

Negan patted his leather jacket where the small gun was hidden in his inside pocket and returned her grin with one of his own. “Wanna go sleuthing?”

“Fuck yeah!”

“I fucking love it when you say that motherfucking fucker of a fucking word.”

They made their way across the muddy lawn and dirt road and found themselves in front of some pens with livestock. Some of the pigs and sheep had already given birth and Lilly couldn’t help but squeal in delight at the sight of the little piglets and lambs. She ran over to the sheep enclosure and reached over the wooden fence to pet some of them.

Negan joined her and leaned back against one of the poles with his back to the animals, carefully studying his surroundings and the people that were either busy working or looking at Lilly and Negan with unabashed curiosity.

“Have you seen those fucking fields? Probably corn and wheat and shit. I feel much better about taking half their stuff now that I see how fucking well they’re doing for themselves. They even have a fucking cow for fuck’s sake. When was the last time you’ve seen a fucking cow?”

“Yeah and this place is huge,” Lilly mused while smiling at a tiny lamb that seemed to take a liking to her, “I wonder how they manage to keep all this up and running when their leader is obviously an idiot.”

“Probably that Jesus guy. He seemed like he has his shit together. Noticed how they got him instead of that Gregory fucker to come talk to us?”

Lilly nodded and then giggled when the lamb started suckling on her little finger. Negan turned around to look why she was laughing and he smiled when he saw her having so much fun.

“Never thought I’d wish to be a fucking lamb.”

Lilly gave an exasperated sigh, but before she could reprimand Negan for his inappropriateness in front of a minor, she heard a voice behind them.

“Hello! Welcome to Hilltop.” They both turned around and found that a middle-aged woman with blond curls had addressed them in a ridiculously cheerful voice. “I’m Gina. I’m responsible for the meals here. Word has it you’re here to see Dr. Carson? He’s a great doctor, you’ll feel better in no time. I just wanted to welcome you. It’s so nice to see people from other communities here and such a lovely couple as you two…”

Lilly immediately felt overwhelmed by the barrage of words coming from Gina, but Negan was looking happier than ever. He threw his arm around Lilly’s shoulders and pulled her close. She had no other option but to snake her own arm under his open leather jacket and around his waist so as not to lose her balance and land face-first in the mud.

“Why, thank you Gina. My lovely wife here and I are real fucking happy to be here with you today. Such a quaint little fucking community. All this shit you got here? Color me the fuck impressed!” Negan’s grin couldn’t possibly be any wider, but Gina looked quite shocked at her new acquaintance’s colorful vocabulary.

“Oh, uhm… yes, it’s rather nice here. I mean, given the circumstances. I heard the Kingdom is a good place to live, too.”

“It fucking is, Gina, it fucking is. We’re all happy as fucking clams down there.”

“Right, uuuuh… well, I hope you’ll be staying for dinner. We’re going to roast a sheep and I’d love for you to try our vegetables.”

“That sounds fucking great. My Lizzie here fucking loves sheep, don’t you sweetheart?” He squeezed Lilly’s shoulder.

“Yup. I’m a sheep lover. Thank you so much for the invitation Gina. I hope we’ll see each other again after my appointment.” Lilly had obviously succeeded in making the situation less awkward, as Gina looked much happier when she went back to work. Lilly looked up at Negan who had yet to release her from his half-embrace. “You’re enjoying this way too much. You know that, right?”

“What? Just having a nice fucking chat with the locals while on vacation with my beloved wife.”

They took a walk around the big house in the middle of the community and commented on the people and buildings until they got back to the gate. There was a blacksmith located next to it and after her initial shock of seeing a real blacksmith hammering away next to a furnace, Lilly watched the bulky man work in silence for a while. Negan was standing next to her with his arms crossed, looking deep in concentration. Suddenly, an image popped up in Lilly’s mind, of Negan himself working inside the shack. He had taken off his shirt and his abs and arm muscles glistened with sweat as he swung the mighty blacksmith hammer repeatedly over his head and onto the anvil. He would then stop for a moment to wipe the sweat and dirt from his brow and his eyes would meet hers and…

“Hey! You okay? You’re not gonna fucking faint on me, are you?” Negan was leaning down to study her face with a very concerned look.

“Huh? Oh… no, no I’m okay. I think the ibuprofen has stopped working, though,” she mumbled, feeling the heat rise in her face and in certain other regions of her body. She silently cursed herself for having momentarily slipped into a cheap romance novel. It was true, though. She was starting to feel more uncomfortable by the minute and she was sure the abdominal pain would be back in full force in about half an hour.

“Come on, let’s find somewhere you can sit down and rest.”

Lilly didn’t think that anyone would have guessed that Negan could be so caring. He took her to what seemed to be community tables in front of the main entrance to the house. They sat in silence for a while, still observing the people of Hilltop, but Lilly felt Negan’s gaze on her a couple of times. She hoped he didn’t worry about her too much.

As the sun slowly started its descent, Jesus came back and told them that Dr. Carson had finished his rounds and that he would see them now. He took Lilly and Negan to one of the trailers, knocked and opened the door to a fully equipped examination room, complete with a stretcher, ultrasound unit and even a gynecologist chair. Lilly became acutely aware of Negan’s company and turned to tell him to wait outside, but he had already squeezed his large frame through the door. As was usually the case, his presence immediately dominated the entire room and despite looking almost comically out of place in there, his entire body language conveyed that leaving would not be an option for him.

Lilly shrugged inwardly. There was no way, of course, that she would get a gynecological exam in front of him, but she guessed that throwing out her ‘husband’ for an ultrasound would look a little suspicious.

“Hi, I’m Harlan Carson. You must be Elizabeth and Nathan.” The man shook both their hands and motioned for Negan to sit on a chair and for Lilly to get to the stretcher next to it. Dr. Carson looked nothing like his brother. Where the latter was short, skinny and a little mousy, this Carson was tall, muscular and had a confident air about him.

“Jesus told me you came all the way from the Kingdom. I’m curious to know what caused Carla to send you here.” Carla must be Dr. Lozano, Lilly thought.

“I’m experiencing abdominal pain that got progressively worse over the last couple of days and I feel sick all the time and very weak. I’ve had a hysterectomy six years ago, so I got a little scared. Dr. Lozano told me to see you for an ultrasound and that since you're a gynecologist, you’d know what to look for.”

“And what was the cause for the hysterectomy?”

“Stage IA endometrial adenocarcinoma.”

“Right. Radical hysterectomy?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well the good news is that your survival rate is excellent, especially with the surgery, but I’m sure you already knew that.”

“I’m still worried about every little ache and pain, though.”

“Naturally. I’m sure the lack of medical care nowadays doesn't exactly help with your fears. Let's have a look at you then. Lie down on the stretcher and pull up your shirt a little, please.”

Lilly unbuttoned the checkered flannel shirt she was wearing over her gray tank top, and did as Dr. Carson had told her. She peeked at Negan, certain that he would be giddy to get a look at her exposed midriff. He was quiet, though, his gaze fixated somewhere on the wall opposite of him. He looked sweaty and he kept twisting his hands in his lap. She reached out to touch his arm and he jumped a little.

“It's probably nothing to worry about. You'll have your wife back in perfect health in no time.” Even Dr. Carson had noticed Negan's nervousness. Her leader’s brows furrowed, obviously not very pleased with being caught in a moment of weakness. Lilly smiled at him. She didn't know why the situation affected him like that, but she'd try her best not to let Negan blow their cover.

Dr. Carson squirted some of the cold and gooey ultrasound liquid on Lilly’s belly, turned on the machine and started moving the probe back and forth. As per usual, Lilly didn't see shit on the little black and white monitor and Dr. Carson kept his face neutral. After pushing and prodding here and there, the doctor seemed satisfied and handed Lilly some wipes to clean herself. He then put his palms on her stomach and applied some pressure on different parts of her lower abdomen. “Tell me if it hurts anywhere,” he asked while examining her and when he reached her waist, she finally gave a loud yelp.

“AH! Fuck that hurt,” she yelled and then immediately felt Negan's hand on her forearm.

“Hmm… You said you feel nauseated? Fever, too? Loss of appetite?”

“Yeah, all of that.” Lilly had a hard time concentrating with Negan's thumb stroking circular patterns on her arm.

Dr. Carson went to the counter with medical equipment behind him and came back with a small plastic cup. Lilly sat up to take it.

“I'm going to need a urine sample. The bathroom is right over there.”

Lilly disappeared into the tiny bathroom and tried to concentrate so as to pee into the cup and not on her hand. She could hear Dr. Carson’s low voice in the other room and then Negan's much louder one, but she couldn't make out what they were talking about.

After she had managed to squeeze out some pee and washing her hands thoroughly, she went back to the two men. The doctor took the cup from her, put it on the counter and unwrapped what looked like a small strip of cardboard which he dipped into the cup. Lilly sat back down on the stretcher and watched curiously as the doctor pulled the strip back out and examined it.

“Just as I thought. There's nothing wrong whatsoever with your reproductive organs. You've got a kidney infection.”

“A kidney infection?” Lilly and Negan replied in unison. Lilly stared at Dr. Carson in disbelief. A kidney infection was good, right? Well, maybe not exactly good, but at least better than a tumor. A breathy laugh escaped her lips.

“Yeah. They're nasty, but easy enough to cure. Couple of days on antibiotics and you'll be good as new. I'm just wondering, though… I don't want to criticize a colleague, but your doctor really should have thought of a UTI first before suspecting cancer and recommending an ultrasound. Panic doesn't help anyone, especially nowadays. You should talk to her when you get home.”

“Oh I fucking will, fucking trust me on that,” Negan growled and Lilly grimaced. She hoped they wouldn't have to go look for a new doctor soon.

Dr. Carson handed her a small package with pills.

“Here, take one in the morning and one at night until the package is empty.”

“Oh no, we've got antibiotics at home. I can't take those from you.”

“It's alright. I'm happy to help. And you really should start taking those as soon as possible so the infection doesn't get worse. I'll just tell the others to ask for one crate of apples more next time we trade with the Kingdom.” He winked at Lilly and she thanked him profusely. Even Negan shook the doctor's hand before they left the trailer. He seemed visibly relaxed now that they were out of the examination room. Or maybe he was happy that she would be okay?

Jesus was waiting for them outside and after telling him of the diagnosis and how relieved she was, he invited them to stay the night and join them for dinner.


	12. Chapter 12

Jesus smiled kindly at Negan and Lilly.

“It's almost dark. The road between Hilltop and the Kingdom can be dangerous at night and it's a long drive. We've got a tent to spare. And I'd sleep much better knowing you won't be out there in the dark.”

“That's some really fucking nice hospitality,” Negan said with a grin. Lilly was glad to see her leader being his usual cheerful self again.

Negan started to ask Jesus all kinds of questions about the Hilltop colony, as the three of them walked across the lawn to the area with the beer benches and picnic tables. There was a long line in front of the large barbecue grill, where a sheep was rotating on a spit roast. They grabbed some plates and joined the people waiting for their turn to get dinner.

Lilly was watching their dinner revolving over the fire in fascination and made a mental note to ask Marv to build a spit roast. The smell that wafted over was mouth-watering and Lilly was ravenous by the time it was finally their turn to pile some meat and vegetables onto their plates. She sat down with Jesus and Negan and immediately attacked her food like a starving lion.

“Someone’s got their fucking appetite back.”

“Uhm phee ing muh berra!”

“I’m going to pretend that you said something nice about my dick.”

Jesus was looking a little uncomfortable. Lilly couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t used to Negan’s excessive dick talk.

“I said I’m feeling much better. I’ve been worrying so much these past couple of days, it’s like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Thank you so much, Jesus, for letting us see Dr. Carson and for being so nice and accommodating.”

“You’re very welcome. There are already enough enemies out there. Best not to turn away friends in need.”

Dr. Carson joined them and reminded Lilly to take her first pill with her dinner.

“Looks like you are pretty fucking comfortable here, though,” Negan said after making sure that Lilly had downed her antibiotics with some water, “We’ve barely seen any undead fucks on our way here and no fucking alarms or anything all day.”

Lilly had a feeling that she knew where Negan was going with this and she tried hard to keep her face neutral while chewing her potatoes.

“No, the area is pretty safe. We do get some stragglers from time to time, but the Saviors clear those out once a week. I’m sure it’s the same at the Kingdom.” Jesus explained.

“Oh yeah,” Negan grinned, “Same at the Kingdom. It’s a pretty fucking great arrangement for you guys, though, right? I mean, I noticed that you’re not exactly the gun-wielding type.” He motioned to the steel walls, where a couple of guards were standing with their spears.

“We don’t have many fighters, that’s true,” Dr. Carson said with a frown, “But taking half of our supplies for themselves after forcing their help on us? I don’t quite see how that is supposed to be good arrangement.”

Lilly could feel Negan tense up next to her. She was relieved when Jesus addressed her instead.

“Did they increase their demands for the Kingdom, too? It used to be one third and then they changed it to half a couple of months back.”

“I don’t know of any specifics, I’m just one of the kitchen workers,” Lilly lied, “But there are rumors, of course, that the Saviors want more supplies for their services. It was a hard winter.”

“That’s true, but it was a hard winter for all of us,” Dr. Carson said in an increasingly louder voice, waving around the fork in his hand, “They can’t just come here and demand stuff. We’ve got people to feed. We should do something about it.”

Negan opened his mouth and was just about ready to start argueing, when Lilly put her hand on his thigh under the table. The gesture apparently surprised him so much that he forgot about people threatening his Saviors.

“It does look like you’ve got plenty of food right now, though,” Lilly answered instead, “I’m sure if you ever have any trouble providing for your people, you could talk to them.”

“Have you ever met them?” Jesus asked and Lilly shook her head, “It’s true that we have plenty of food to spare at the moment, but one more hard winter and we’ll be in deep shit. And there’s no talking to those people. They just take what they want. It’s true that they kill the walkers for us, but I’m having a hard time accepting that it justifies the amount of food they take from us.”

“I guess you should start fucking practicing with those fucking sticks real quick then,” Negan remarked. Jesus and Dr. Carson nodded, apparently thinking he had meant that they would have to fight the undead on their own if they decided to cut ties with the Sanctuary. But Lilly knew her leader well enough to understand the double meaning of his words. The Saviors would not accept being denied their tribute without a fight.

“Good to see you! Are you having a nice dinner? Jesus, Harlan, all good down here?” They all looked up to a man smiling down at them with brilliantly white teeth, wearing a clean and pressed dress shirt and a suit coat. He started waving at some of the people eating at different tables, not really paying attention to the small group he had just addressed.

“Yes, Gregory, everything is in order. Go have some dinner,” Jesus answered. So this was the so far suspiciously absent leader of the Hilltop.

“Wonderful. I’m going to sit with Earl today. Gotta make sure our blacksmith is happy. See you around.”

“I highly doubt that Earl will be happy about Gregory joining him for dinner,” Dr. Carson quipped and he and Jesus chuckled.

“Why the fuck are you keeping that fucking idiot as a leader if you all think so fucking low of him? Why aren’t you taking over, for example?” Negan looked at Jesus.

“It’s not that he’s a bad leader. He’s charismatic. He inspires people. He just doesn’t like to get his hands dirty.”

“Well I think he’s a bit of an airhead. He didn’t even notice two strangers sitting right in front of him,” Lilly noted, “I know you’re a big community, but a real leader should at least know everyone’s face. Ezekiel knows everyone’s name at the Kingdom and even where they came from.” Lilly didn’t exactly know if that was really the case, but from what she had heard of the Kingdom’s eccentric leader, she figured that it might just as well be true. It was for Negan.

“I think we can all agree that King Ezekiel’s leading style is much different from Gregory’s,” Jesus laughed and they all joined in.

It was already dark by the time they had finished eating and talking. They all got up to bring their plates to the table where a couple of people were busy washing dishes. Gina came up to them and handed them two flashlights and Lilly thanked her again before saying goodnight to a yawning Dr. Carson. Jesus led them to one of the tents.

“This is one of the family tents. It can house six people. But we don’t need it at the moment and I figured you’d be more comfortable if you don’t have to sleep with your feet hanging out,” Jesus grinned up at Negan, “I also put some blankets in there. The nights can still be pretty cold.”

“Damn, you’re a fucking considerate bunch.”

“I hope you’ll tell your King about it. You know, in case we ever need his help.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely!”

Jesus showed them the way to the outhouse and told them good night, before disappearing into the big house in the middle of the compound. Lilly excused herself for a moment to go pee and brush her teeth.

When she got back and ducked into the tent, Negan had already set out the blankets and was lying with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Lilly crawled up to sit next to him and took off her shirt, boots and jeans, only to then put her boots back on before she covered herself with one of the blankets.

“Seriously? You keep your fucking shoes on while sleeping?”

“Always. You can never be too careful.”

“Heh. It’s going to be a damn fucking awesome sight if you have to run somewhere in the middle of the night with your naked ass hanging out.”

“If I really have to run somewhere in the middle of the night, my naked ass will be the least of my concerns. And I’m going to be faster than you, because I already have my boots on.”

He laughed and turned to his side, propping his head up with one arm to face her.

“That was a really fucking interesting day.”

“Yeah. I still can’t get over the fact that they let us in just like that. I mean, I’m grateful. But it is a huge risk. And that Gregory person didn’t even notice us. I’d kick your giant ass if you ever did something like that.”

“You wouldn’t be at the Sanctuary if I was such a pathetic fucking excuse for leader.”

“That’s true. Or I might have taken over from you after all.”

He laughed and then studied her for a moment.

“So what’s a fucking… what was it called? Hystomy?”

“Hysterectomy. It means they removed my uterus and ovaries. It’s the usual course of action for this kind of cancer, especially for someone so young.”

“Oh…” He thought about that for while. “Does that mean I can finish inside of you and you won’t get pregnant?”

“Jesus fucking Christ Neg… Nathan!” Lilly exclaimed and turned away from him, pulling the blanket up to her nose.

“What? I was just trying to lighten the fucking mood a little.”

“My mood was perfectly fucking fine you big oaf. God, you’re an insensitive fucker sometimes.”

“Aww, I’m sorry babe.” He sounded genuine. She turned to lie on her back and looked up at him. “Is that the reason you have a fucking problem with putting down kids?”

“Yeah. Well, part of it. It’s also why I snapped at Seth when he asked me if I’m on the rag.”

“Most chicks I’ve met always complained about their fucking periods. Like they’d be happy not to deal with this shit anymore.”

“Until it’s taken away from them by force.”

“Huh, yeah. Guess that makes fucking sense.” He looked like he was pondering over something again. As if he wasn’t sure how much he could ask her. But Lilly had already told him so much about herself, she thought she might just as well continue the trend, so she smiled up at him to show him that the topic wasn’t too uncomfortable for her. “Did you want to have kids? Before you got sick?”

“Yeah, I mean… I guess I wanted to at least have the option, you know? I actually didn’t think too much about it after I had the surgery.” Lilly remembered how her life fell apart. She had repressed these memories quite successfully for a very long time and now it all came rushing back to her. Her face darkened and Negan noticed immediately.

“Hey, we don’t have to talk about this shit…”

“No, it’s okay. I mean, it wasn’t my fault, right? I’ve never been seriously sick until then. I exercised a lot. I had a bit of an unhealthy obsession with pizza and I liked to have a glass of wine here and there, but still…”

“Of course it wasn’t your fucking fault. Cancer is a fucking bitch that can go fuck right off and fuck itself in the ass,” Negan declared rather passionately, but Lilly barely registered what he was saying.

“Tell that to my fiancé.”

“You were engaged?”

“Yeah. Emphasis on were.”

“Are you fucking telling me that fucker left you when you got sick?”

“Some time after my surgery.” Lilly sighed and put her hands behind her head. Now that she had started telling Negan about that time in her life, it just kept pouring out if her. “We met in college, moved in together. The relationship soon went downhill. I suppose that’s why he proposed. To mend things. I studied a lot, since I was close to graduating and I also worked as a teaching assistant for one of my professors. Brian always complained about me never being home. I really tried to make time for him, but whenever I wanted to spend an evening or like a Sunday with him, he’d just play video games all day.”

“What a fucking tool.”

“Yeah. Not a very nice guy, in retrospect. When I got the diagnosis I was so scared. But he acted like it was super inconvenient for him. He only visited me once in the hospital.” Lilly glanced at Negan who looked like he was about to punch something. She hadn’t even gotten to the really crappy part yet. “I got home and he was so distant, always going out with friends. So, when I felt better, I decided to fly to Michigan and spend some time with my family. I had hoped that a little distance would put things into perspective for him. That he would be happy when I got home healthy. I mean, some people just can’t deal with seeing their loved ones sick, right? But when I got back after three weeks, he welcomed me home together with his new girlfriend and all my stuff packed into garbage bags sitting in the hallway.”

“You gotta be fucking shitting me.”

“Those were my exact words when I opened our door, funnily enough. He told me in no uncertain terms that it was over. And because I’m pathetic I asked him why. So he explained that he had been unhappy for a long time and that the cancer had just been the icing on the shit-cake. That he couldn’t possibly marry me anymore now that I couldn’t have kids. That he had found Brittany, or Nancy, or whatever the fuck her name was and she made him happy. And that she wasn’t broken, like me.”

Lilly’s voice finally broke and she stopped talking so as not to burst into tears. No matter how often she tried to convince herself that she was over the whole thing, it still hurt to think and talk about it.

“Please tell me that motherfucker is fucking dead, so I don’t have to go search for him and make him meet Lucille.”

She released a shaky laugh. “I don’t know. He wasn’t exactly the survivor type. Though he would have told you otherwise of course. Besides, breaking up with someone isn’t exactly punishable by death. Even nowadays.”

“Well it fucking is to me. Fucking weak-ass motherfucker. A real man stays by his woman no matter fucking what. In sickness and in fucking health, right?”

“I guess I’m lucky I never married him, then.”

Negan kept grumbling, but Lilly was lost in thoughts.

“You know you’re not broken, though, right? Pretty fucking far from it. You’re a badass tough fucking bitch and this time I mean that as a fucking compliment.”

Lilly smiled up to the ceiling and pulled up her blanket again. She was shivering, both from the cold and from getting riled up talking about her past. She heard rustling beside her and then Negan draped his leather jacket over her.

“Thanks. Now you’re cold, though.”

“Nah, I’m good. Just don’t drool on it too much. Do you think you’ll be able to sleep?”

“Probably not.”

“Hmph. Well, you know where my dick is in case you get bored. Night Lil, I mean, Elizabeth.”

“Good night Negan.” Lilly whispered and rolled away from him. The scent from his jacket filled her nose. Leather and woodsmoke and Negan. She smiled to herself with a small sigh and tried to relax. It would be a long night. Maybe she could wander around a little with the flashlight. Although, on the other hand, that probably wasn’t such a good idea, she thought as her eyes grew heavy.

 

When she woke up again, it was with a small gasp before the brief feeling of disorientation passed. The sun shone brightly outside their tent. A rooster called in the distance and sleepy voices seemed to surround them. Lilly stared at the pale blue canvas of the tent wall across from her. Something heavy lay across her waist and when she looked down she saw that it was Negan’s arm. She weaved her fingers through his and sighed contently.

After a couple of moments, Lilly felt movement behind her and she tried to disentangle her hand. Negan seemed to have other plans, though. His fingers closed around hers and he hooked his arm tighter around her waist, pulling her to him until her back was flush with his chest. Heat rose in Lilly’s cheeks and goosebumps appeared all over her arms, when she felt Negan burying his nose in her hair. He inhaled and sighed.

None of them spoke. She didn’t know whether she should wish for it to stay that way, or if one of them should break the tension and the embrace before they did something one of them, or both, would regret later.

Apparently, Negan wasn’t plagued by the same doubts as Lilly. When she felt his nose and his mouth ghosting over the skin on her shoulder, her mind went blank and she lost herself in the sensation of his soft caresses.

His lips wandered over her shoulder and to her neck and she turned her head a little to give him better access. His hot and heavy breath fluttered over her skin and he stroked his hand up and down her arm. After a while, he slipped his hand under the tank top and gently grabbed her waist. Her breath hitched.

He squeezed a little and she put her own arm behind her head and into his hair and tugged to pull his face even closer. It was all the encouragement he needed to become bolder. His mouth latched onto the crook of her neck and her soft moan was followed by one of his own when she arched her back and her behind connected with his groin. The evidence of his arousal was now rubbing shamelessly against her. Both their breathing had become loud and erratic. Lilly could feel the wetness between her legs and her rapid heartbeat in her chest and his tongue and mouth and hand and it wasn’t enough. She covered his hand with her own and guided it further up until his fingers were splayed over her ribs, just underneath her breast. He rolled his hips, his hard dick grinding against her ass and Lilly wanted him so much in this moment, she felt like she was about to explode.

She started turning around to face him, when a voice called out outside their tent.

“Hello? Nathan? Elizabeth? Are you awake?”

It was Jesus. Negan let go of her and cursed loudly. Lilly scrambled out from under her blanket, took two steadying breaths and unzipped the tent. Jesus was crouching right in front of the tent’s entrance, smiling just as brightly as the sun that was shining over one side of the wall.

“Good morning! Did you have a good night?”

“We fucking had until you showed up,” Negan called out from behind Lilly.

“I’m sorry for my husband’s rudeness,” Lilly apologized to an amused Jesus, “He’s not a morning person. We both slept really well, thank you Jesus.”

“Good. Great. Uhm… I’m afraid I have bad news.”

Negan’s head popped up next to her so fast, Lilly wondered how a man his size could move with that much speed.

“Bad news? What do you fucking mean?” Negan demanded. Jesus looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“Apparently, word got to Gregory that we have two visitors, taking advantage of our doctor, asking for medication…”

“But, Dr. Carson gave those pills to me…,” Lilly protested.

“I know. It’s all just Chinese whispers. But once Gregory has his mind set on something, there’s no way to convince him otherwise. He wants you two gone immediately. I’m sorry guys.”

“Oh, so now your fearsome fucking leader suddenly does some fucking leading? And he doesn’t even have the fucking balls to come and try comparing dick sizes with me? Fucking asshole.” Negan was annoyed and Lilly couldn’t blame him. Apart from getting cock-blocked first thing in the morning, they now had to pack up all their shit and leave much earlier than they had anticipated.

“I really am sorry. This is my fault. I should have told him about you two from the start.”

“No, it’s alright,” Lilly reassured him, “I doubt that it would have made much of a difference. There was a reason you didn’t tell him, after all. You’ve been very kind to us Jesus. We’re grateful. We’re going to pack up and then meet you at the gate in a couple of minutes.”

They gathered their stuff -Lilly in silence and Negan grumbling about “weak-ass fucking leaders”- and then walked to the open gate of the Hilltop where they were met by Jesus and a disheveled looking Dr. Carson. They got their weapons back and shook hands with their hosts. Lilly thanked both men once again for their hospitality.

“Again, I’m sorry. It was nice having you guys here. Next time I’m at the Kingdom, I’ll make sure to come visit you two.”

“Please do. We had a great time here and I'd be happy to see you again. You, too, Dr. Carson,” Lilly smiled and she finally felt bad about deceiving these people. They had been exceptionally nice to her and Negan and if the circumstances were different, she really would have liked to meet them again.

Lilly and Negan walked down to their car and hopped in. They both waved to Jesus and Dr. Carson one last time while Negan turned the car around. Once they were behind the first bend that took them out of sight of the Hilltop, Negan stopped the car again. Lilly looked questioningly at him, but he was busy rummaging behind his seat, until he came back with Lucille. He looked lovingly at his bat, taking in every grain of wood and every spike on her barbed wire. He put his lips to her smooth handle very quick and then put her back on top of the blanket in the backseat.

Lilly chuckled and Negan grinned while he put the car back in drive and finally went back on the road to Sanctuary.

“Just making sure my lady is A-O-fucking-K. She fucking hates being separated from me that long.”

“Uh-huh. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re trying to make me jealous.”

Negan smirked at her and put his hand on Lilly’s thigh. It was like a bolt of lightning had shot through her body. How could he send her into a spiral of lust so easily? She felt hot and needy and told herself to get a hold of herself.

“And why would I possibly feel the fucking need to make you jealous after what happened this morning?”

“You’re right. I think we’ve moved past that.”

“How about we move even further?”

“What, right now? Oh no. No no no no. I won’t have sex with you in a car.”

“Why the fuck not? You were going to have sex with me in a fucking tent half an hour ago.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. The point is, the car is small and you’re not. Hell, I’m not exactly petite either. And when we fuck for the first time, I don’t want a gearshift poking me in the ass.”

“You can’t possibly fucking imagine how goddamn ecstatic I am that this whole scenario went from ‘if’ to ‘when’.”

Lilly grinned up at him and put her hand over his. They drove in comfortable silence for a while, which gave her ample opportunity to think about what had happened in the past twenty-four hours.

The friendliness of the Hilltop people and Dr. Carson’s diagnosis that she would be fine had lifted her spirits to a whole different level. Had that been the reason that she had given herself to Negan without so much as a second thought? She knew without a doubt that she would have gone all the way with him if they hadn’t been interrupted. Had she just been riding the high from a successful day away from home?

Not entirely, of course. Over the past seven months at Sanctuary, she and Negan had developed a close friendship. She had liked him from the very beginning and she had missed him when they hadn’t talked. He had flirted with her incessantly and if she was being honest with herself, she had always felt flattered about it. And yes, of course he was tall and strong and fuck, he was good-looking. She had thought back a lot to their very first encounter and how they had ended up in bed together. The memories of his lips on her skin and his moans in her ear had given her many spectacular releases during those long and dark nights alone in her bedroom at Sanctuary.

Lilly turned her head to look out of the window and smiled while she thought about touching herself to the thought of her leader underneath her. She bet he would love to hear about her fantasizing about him. She could feel the heat and wetness between her thighs again, but she tried to ignore the more physical reactions to their little tryst in the tent. She needed to focus right now.

There was one thing worrying her, of course. His wives. She didn’t want to be just a tally mark on his bedpost. But she didn’t know if the alternative was even possible with Negan. She knew he liked her and she definitely liked him, more than liked him, even. But she couldn’t possibly ask him to give up his entire lifestyle, weird as it might be, and demand he pursue a relationship with her. On the other hand, she didn’t want to fuck him once or twice in secret, just to have him tell her that they had to stop, or worse, that he was bored with her.

She sighed. She had successfully managed to darken her thoughts by overthinking stuff once again.

“Something wrong, babe?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“You know, I am pretty fucking good at reading people. And even though you are a damn fucking hard nut to crack sometimes, right now I know you’re lying.”

“Okay, I suppose it was kinda obvious. I’m just thinking about everything that’s happened lately.”

“Hey, you’re healthy. Or will be soon enough. We’re talking again, we had a day off, got some awesome fucking food, and I got to rub my boner all over your ass. So why the long face?”

“I’m not sure the boner-rubbing was such a good idea…”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? I finally got in close fucking proximity to the inside of your fucking pants again and now you want to chicken out?”

“Is that it, Negan? You just want to get inside my pants?” Lilly didn’t know where her anger was coming from, but she was one wrong word from Negan away from ripping his head off.

“Right now? Fuck yeah! You want me to spew some bullshit about you and me riding into the fucking sunset together? You know me way better than that, Lil. You know I… I fucking like you, okay? You make me feel good. But right now, in this moment, all I want is to stick my penis into your vagina and not worry about what might happen afterwards.”

Lilly’s first reaction to his words was anger again, but she forced herself to calm down and read between the lines.

“I make you feel good?”

“Of fucking course you do. I told you, you’re the only person in the entire fucking Sanctuary that never asks for anything in return for their work. Or for being nice to me. Everyone else is always ‘Negan, I need some fucking Egyptian horse milk soap’, ‘Negan, I need my Vicodin’, ‘Negan, I want a bigger room, ‘Negan, I won’t suck your dick unless you find me a fucking diamond necklace’. What the fuck does anyone need a fucking diamond necklace for in the fucking apocalypse?”

“Cutting tool?”

“See?” He laughed, “That’s another thing. You’re funny. And apparently, for reasons I have yet to discover, you find me fucking funny. Do you know how long it’s been that I had a fucking conversation with someone that didn’t involve them rolling their eyes at me before you came along?”

“How long?”

“One year, five months, three days and about seven hours.”

Lilly went quiet and put her hand on his forearm as gently as possible so as not to startle him. Negan stopped the car in the middle of the road and hung his head. They were only about a mile away from Sanctuary. Lilly could see the imposing tower with the three chimneys on top at the end of the road.

“What was that conversation about? The last you had without them rolling their eyes?”

“I told her to keep fucking fighting and she told me not to make her suffer. To turn off the machines when it would become clear that there wasn’t anything the doctors could do for her. It wasn’t the last time I talked to her, but it was the last fucking time she could answer before they stuck a fucking tube down her throat.”

Negan was gripping the steering wheel as if his life depended on it. He was crying. And then it hit Lilly like a sack of bricks.

_Cancer is a fucking bitch that can go fuck right off and fuck itself in the ass._

_Just making sure my lady is A-O-fucking-K._

“Lucille…”

“You know what the really fucked-up part is? I couldn't fucking do it. I promised her she wouldn't suffer, but when the doctors told me, time and time again, that she wouldn't wake up again, I couldn't fucking do it. I let her suffer, because otherwise I would have suffered. And I keep thinking, maybe if I had done as I had fucking promised, maybe she wouldn't have turned. Maybe she could have just died peacefully, without coming back as this… this fucking thing. I was such a fucking coward. I couldn't even bring myself to put her down myself. I made some fucking kid do it for me.”

He was full on sobbing now and all Lilly could do was unbuckle her seat belt, wrap her arms around his bicep and lay her head on his shoulder. He cried into her hair and she whispered “I'm so sorry” over and over again.

After a while, Negan wiped a hand over his face and cleared his throat before he gently cupped her cheek, making Lilly look up at him.

“And now I've built all of this,” he said, much calmer this time, and nodded in the direction of the Sanctuary, “The Saviors, the wives, the other communities. My magnum fucking opus. Doing everything I can to make damn fucking sure I never give that much of a shit about anyone ever again,” he mused and then smiled down at her while stroking his thumb over her cheekbone, “And then you just prance into my fucking life and now riding into the fucking sunset seems like a real fucking nice option.”

Lilly smiled back him. Somehow his face had gotten so close to hers that she could have counted his eyelashes if she wanted to. He tilted his head a little to one side and she did the same to the other. He opened his lips and closed his eyes and so did she. She could feel his breath on her face, as shaky as hers. Their noses touched.

THUD!

They both jumped, nearly headbutting each other. Lilly looked around in panic until she saw the source of the noise. A walker was sprawled over the hood of the car, rotting hands reaching for them on the other side of the windshield. Two more came out from between the trees to their left, heading in their direction. Lilly and Negan both muttered some curses under their breath and Lilly scrambled for Lucille in the back and handed her to Negan before opening her door and stepping out of the car. She decided against taking her bow. It wouldn't have been of any use in this situation anyway, with the walkers being so close already.

Lilly took out her machete instead and went for the first walker while Negan was still busy unfolding his large frame from out of the car. The snarling monster had made its way around the front. Lilly opened her door all the way to use it as a barrier between her and the undead. She took a quick look around to make sure that there weren't any more of them waiting for their chance to have her and Negan for breakfast. Then she grabbed the door and pulled it almost all the way shut. The walker lost its balanced and Lilly sunk her machete into its decomposing skull.

It fell to the ground and she looked up to see how Negan was doing. He was holding Lucille over his head and then brought her down on the walker in front of him. The other one grabbed his arm as the first one fell and Lilly's heart stopped for a moment. But Negan kicked his attacker, it stumbled backwards and then its brain exploded with one mighty swing of Negan's bat.

Negan looked around for her, his expression fearful and she ran over to him.

“Are you okay? Still in one fucking piece?”

“Yeah. For a moment there I thought they got you.”

“Takes more than two of those fuckers to bring me down,” he grinned. Lilly really hoped his cocky attitude would not get him killed one day.

While they were trying to catch their breaths, Lilly suddenly heard the sound of motorcycles in the distance. She looked down the road that led to the Sanctuary and saw three people approaching on bikes.

“Here comes the fucking cavalry.”

It was Dwight, Jax and Connor.

“We saw your car coming down the road and then you stopped and those fuckers came out of the woods. Are you alright?” Dwight asked after kicking down his side stand and getting off his bike.

“Yeah, we’re good. Just had to take care of those things. Don’t want them to get too close to Sanctuary,” Lilly explained.

Jax walked up to her beaming and pulled her into a tight hug. Lilly looked over his shoulder to Negan, who seemed none too pleased about Jax’s public display of affection.

“Are you okay? What did the Hilltop doctor say?”

“I’m fine. It’s a kidney infection. Couple of days on antibiotics and I’ll be good as new.”

“Ugh, thank God. I mean, a kidney infection sucks and all, but, you know…” Jax’s eyes suddenly grew wide and he stared at her neck and whispered, ”Is that a hickey?”

“Can we pack the fuck up and move this riveting fucking conversation to the other side of the fence? I don’t want another one of those things to try and take a fucking bite out of me,” Negan snapped at them. He was right, though. It was a bad idea to stay out in the open like that.

Lilly and Negan got back into the car and drove the rest of the way home with Dwight, Jax and Connor right behind them. Negan was unusually quiet and Lilly wondered what was bothering him, but when he finally parked the car in the Sanctuary’s yard, he quickly squeezed her hand before opening his door and climbing out. She smiled to herself. They would have plenty of time to talk about what had happened between them, once they had made sure that everything at Sanctuary was in order.

After taking their backpacks and weapons from the backseat, they made their way to the front door, with their welcoming squad around them asking them questions about their trip.

They walked over the metal runway and down to the Sanctuary’s cafeteria, laughing after Negan had told them in his own unique way about the Hilltop’s leader and his incompetence. Negan and Lilly grinned at each other and the butterflies in Lilly’s stomach had just started to lift off, when there was a loud squeal, followed by several excited female voices. Suddenly, Negan was half hidden behind an assortment of naked body parts and mops of hair.

“Welcome back big boy!”

“What took you so long?”

“What did you get us, Negan?”

Enter the wives. Lilly’s heart sank and her face fell. The sudden realization of who she got involved with almost made her throw up. This was the life he had chosen. His magnum opus. She had been stupid to forget about all this because of a day off on some little adventure and him waxing poetic about sunsets. Five women. Five women he shared his life with. Five women that were giving him everything he needed. How could she possibly compete against that?

Her eyes found Negan’s and, to his credit, he looked stricken. She smiled sadly at him, but before he could say something, she turned around to Jax, told him she was tired and then disappeared into the Tower and to her room as fast as she could.

When the expected pounding on her door began a couple of minutes later, she pulled her pillow over her ears and continued crying into the sheets.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan and the no good very bad day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this chapter was a doozy. I’m glad it’s done though and I promise it’s all leading somewhere ;) A big thanks to those people who keep reading my stuff and especially to those who encourage me to keep going. And a very big thank you to my beta for helping me improve.

“I have to admit, I’m kind of proud.” Lilly looked into the distance and smiled.

“You fucking should be. Look at this shit. We’ll be drowning in our own vegetables soon.”

“With the stuff from the other communities and from what we get from here, we can finally start canning tomatoes and beans for the winter.”

“Mmmhh… canned beans. Keep talking dirty to me.”

Lilly chuckled and ran back over to Marv, who was busy installing the last plastic sheets on the third greenhouse. They had decided to expand the Sanctuary’s fence into the large patch of fallow land behind the dormitory to have enough room for the three long structures. Lilly had even suggested converting some of the area into a field to experiment with potatoes and pumpkins. The past couple of weeks had been busy with people rearranging and adding to the fence, scavenging materials and building the greenhouses and preparing the soil for the plants.

Under Lilly’s guidance, the newly created gardening team had already started to plant cucumbers, tomatoes, beans, bell peppers, all kinds of lettuce and onions. So far, the plants were thriving, as far as Negan could tell with his, admittedly, limited experience.

Negan swiped the sweat from his forehead and watched the people working on the project. All morning he had helped carrying the heavy rolls of clear plastic and raising the wooden poles.

His gaze kept wandering back to Lilly. She was back to her full self, as far as he could tell. She caught him staring at her, a frequent occasion nowadays more than ever and he turned to walk back to the Sanctuary. He had been careful not to dwell too much on what had happened between them at the Hilltop. Not caring had been his strength in surviving this world and it was time to go back to being a soulless motherfucker.

Lilly made it hard, though.

The next morning found Negan waking up from dreams filled with black hair and white skin and he refused to acknowledge the raging erection creating a small tent under his sheets. He sighed, got up and prepared for the day. A cold bath first, to take care of his most obvious problem. A quick shave later and after getting dressed, he held the red scarf in his hands. It went back inside the drawer with an annoyed grunt.

Negan needed a distraction, so he decided to patrol the perimeter of Sanctuary. Starting at the front door, he made his way through the vehicle lot and along the hall. He watched the people in the inner courtyard going about their business from the other side of the fence for a while. When he rounded the corner that led to the garages and workshops, he stopped in his tracks. A familiar voice came out of the motorcycle repair shop and Negan crept as close to the open garage door as possible without being seen.

“No Jax. This is a bad idea.”

“Come on, Lil, you promised. I’ve been waiting for this for ages. I swear I’ll be careful.”

“But it feels all wrong between my legs. It’s too big.”

Red, hot rage started to cloud Negan’s vision.

“You just have to get used to it.”

“Can you please get us at least some kind of protection?”

Negan had heard enough. He swung Lucille from his shoulder, ready to scatter Viking boy’s brain matter all over the walls, and jumped around the corner and into the shop.

He froze at the scene before him. Lilly was perched awkwardly on top of one of the motorcycles, her hands on the saddle to keep herself from sliding forward. Jax stood next to her, holding two helmets and two back protectors. Both stared at Negan with wide eyes.

“Oh thank God…,” Lilly exclaimed and jumped off the bike and ran over to Negan. She grabbed his free hand and looked up at him with pleading eyes, “Hello boss. I’m sure you’re here because you have a job for me? Patrolling? Inventory? Fence duty? Please…?”

“I… uuuhh… What?” Negan needed a moment to process what was happening before he realized what Lilly wanted from him. “Oh, yeah… I think Laura needs some help with the points.”

“Great! Sure! Always happy to help. See you guys later…”

And she ran off as if the devil was chasing her, leaving Jax and Negan staring at each other.

“Great. Thanks Negan. I finally convinced her to go on a ride with me.”

Jax turned around to hang the helmets and protectors back on their designated spots on the wall. Negan wiped a hand over his face. In a matter of seconds, he had gone through rage, then confusion, relief, shame, only to be back at annoyance now.

“What the fuck did you want to take her on a motorcycle for? She’s fucking afraid of these things.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s called exposure therapy. Trust me, she just has to try it once and then she’ll love it.”

“Speaking from experience, are you?”

“Well… yeah. I’ve known her for a while, though you seem to keep forgetting that.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked and Negan considered punching the smug look right out of his face. He crossed his arms to suppress the itching in his fists.

“If you know her so well, you should be more concerned about her fucking well-being.”

“Are you implying that I don’t care about Lilly?”

“I’m not implying anything, I’m straight up fucking telling it right to your fucking face. You probably just thought about your dick. Scaring her a little, taking her somewhere nice on the bike so you can score some brownie points with her.”

Negan had thought that Jax would get angry, or at least defensive. What he hadn’t expected, was for him to start laughing.

“Oh my… you two are just precious, you know that? Seriously though, I’m pretty sure Lilly has told you on more than one occasion that we’re like brother and sister.”

“She may have mentioned it once or twice. Just because she thinks that way doesn’t mean you feel the same, though. And why would you? You and her being so fucking close, living alone together for fucking months. Having a hot piece of ass right in front of you all this time… don’t fucking insult my intelligence and pretend you don’t wanna tap that.”

“I really don’t.” Jax chuckled while lifting up the saddle to take out his backpack. “Don’t project your own fantasies onto me, Negan. I love Lilly, but I don’t want to get into her pants. She’s missing a rather significant detail.”

“And what’s that?”

“A dick.”

“Oh…” Negan stared at Jax, whose grin had turned into a look of concern.

“Has Lilly never told you?”

“Not a fucking word.”

“This isn’t going to be problem, is it?”

“What? Please… I don’t give a flying fuck about where you stick your dick, as long as any dick-sticking is agreed upon by everyone participating.” Negan’s eyes widened in sudden realization, “Oh… so, you and Connor…?”

“I thought it was pretty obvious. Everyone else knows by now, I think.”

“Huh… I guess I was a little preoccupied lately.”

“You should talk to her. I know she has a habit of retreating into her shell when she feels hurt, but I’m sure you two can work out any problems you have if you just talk to each other, instead of about each other.”

“So she talked about me?”

“Incessantly. It’s starting to get a bit annoying to be honest.”

“What did she say?”

Jax sighed and then smiled. “I can’t really give you any details, you know, being her friend and all. Plus, she’d probably cut off my balls if I did. All I can say is, she likes you. She enjoys your company. Though that’s probably not really news to you.” Negan still couldn’t help himself from grinning. Jax chuckled when he noticed before he continued, “The thing is… and this is coming from me, not her… Lilly is fiercely loyal. It’s not easy to gain her trust, but once you do, she’s like a dog. Big, scary rottweiler. She’ll go through hell with you and leave a trail of blood and bones in her wake. But… and that’s the problem here in particular… she’ll expect the same from you. You’re not a free man, Negan, and Lilly doesn’t share.”

“Well, what the fuck does she expect me to do?”

“She doesn’t expect anything from you.”

“I can’t just tell the wives to fuck off.”

“I know.”

“I mean, I could, probably, but what would my men think?” Negan threw up his arms. “I melted someone’s fucking face off because of them, for fuck’s sake.”

“I know! I know, Negan. And so does Lilly. Again, she doesn’t expect anything from you. She told me herself that she would never ask of you to do anything that could endanger your position. This is your decision, really. You have to figure out what you’re willing to do to tap that hot piece of ass. Though the fact that we’re even having this conversation tells me that you’re way past the point of just wanting to get your dick wet.”

Negan frowned. “Why does this shit have to be so fucking complicated? Why can’t we just fuck and be done with it? You know… get it out of our systems.”

Jax laughed at that.

“You seriously think that would work? Have sex once and then drop each other like a hot potato?”

“Well not drop each other. But we could go back to being friends with the fucking out of the way.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” Jax rolled his eyes.

Negan sighed and twirled Lucille in his hand. “I really didn’t sign up for all this feelings shit when I picked you two up in this stupid fucking suburban shithole.”

“And yet you don’t regret it one bit.”

“Heh… ain’t that the fucking truth.”

* * *

 

“Has anyone seen my knife?”

Lilly was the last to join Negan and the other lieutenants for their twice-a-week meeting.

“What knife?” Dwight asked.

“My butterfly knife. I always keep it under my pillow while I sleep, but it wasn’t there last night when I got back from game night.”

“Probably somewhere in the greenhouses or in the rec room.” Negan had better things to do than go look for Lilly’s little potato peeler. “Can we fucking start now? What’s the news on the greenhouses?”

“Some of the tomatoes got blight.” Lilly reported without meeting his eyes.

“The fuck is blight?”

“It’s a fungus. Don’t worry though, we removed the sick plants and gave the others a special fertilizer. I still need to go back to that gardening store to get a couple of things, though.”

“I’ll come with you. Laura?” Seth looked over at his lover.

“No,” Negan interrupted, “There’s no need for three lieutenants to drive two towns over for a bag of fucking manure. Take Gavin if you absolutely have to be three people out there.”

“No problem,” Lilly continued, “So, about those potatoes… we still have more than enough to start a small field without…”

Negan had already zoned out. It had been nothing but dirt and watering techniques and slug infestations and optimizing the ventilation for the past couple of weeks. He usually started to think about other stuff after a couple of minutes. Today, he didn’t even realize that it was over until he felt all eyes on him, waiting for him to close the meeting.

“Go fuck off and do your fucking jobs then!”

Everybody hurried out and then it was finally blissful silence.

Negan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a moment when there was soft knock on the door. Squeezing his eyes shut, he childishly hoped that the visitor would go away if he didn’t answer. He had no such luck, of course. With a second knock and without waiting for an answer, the door swung open. Negan didn’t have to look up. He knew who the intruder was. Only his wives, and one in particular, had the proverbial balls to enter his office without an invitation.

“Hey handsome.”

“What the fuck do you want, Sherry?”

“Aww, no need to be so rude. Can’t a wife visit her beloved husband at work when she misses him?”

Negan’s eyes widened when Sherry made her way over to him and sat down in his lap, straddling him. “Uhhhh… Sherry?”

“What? Been missing those big muscles of yours.”

She rubbed the palms of her hands over his shoulders and chest until Negan grabbed her arms to keep her from going lower.

“We haven’t fucked in fucking months and now you come waltzing in here and hop on my dick like it’s the shiniest merry-go-fucking-round on the country fair? I’m gonna ask you again and you better come up with a good fucking answer this time: What. The fuck. Do you want?”

Sherry freed her arms and smiled at him. It caused a chill to run down Negan’s spine. Bitchy Sherry he could handle, but this was straight out of an episode of the Twilight Zone.

“The girls and I have been worried about you lately. You haven’t touched any of us in weeks. I just thought…,” Her hands continued their path down to Negan’s pants, fumbling with the belt buckle, “...maybe you need something familiar? Someone who has been with you all this time. Who knows you inside- and out.”

She slid a hand inside his pants. Normally, Negan would have been reduced to a panting, moaning puddle of lust by now. All he felt right now, though, was disgust. He grabbed her hips and stood up, placed her in his office chair and took a couple of steps back to put some distance between them and to fasten his belt. Sherry’s seductive smile had been replaced by a look of annoyance.

“Are you kidding me, Negan? You’ve been complaining for ages that I don’t put out for you anymore and now I practically throw myself at you and you refuse?”

“You’re damn fucking right I refuse. You want something. Something real fucking big. What is it? A free ride on Dwighty? A pony? My fucking soul?”

“All I want is for things to go back to how they were before you brought that bitch into Sanctuary.”

“Ah… so that’s the way the fucking wind blows. And the reason for you trying to blow me, heh…”

“So? If that’s what it takes for you to finally get her out of your thick head, I’m more than willing to take one for the team.”

“Don’t fucking flatter yourself, Sherry. You’re not that good at sucking dick. Should have sent Valerie.”

“Fuck you, Negan! Have you stopped for just one minute to think about the consequences of you chasing that pussy all around Sanctuary? No, of course not. The big bad Saviors leader prefers to only think about his dick and not about his people.”

Negan slapped his hands on his desk and leaned over Sherry, his face contorted into a mask of fury.

“What in the everloving fuck are you talking about?”

“Do you think your men haven’t noticed the way you follow her around like some lovesick puppy? Spending hours in her room, or on the rec room couch, practically drooling all over her? And then you go on a trip with her? And she comes back with a fucking hickey on her neck? Are you fucking kidding me, Negan?”

Sherry was almost hysterical at this point and Negan took a step back again. She was far from done, though.

“I’ve never said a word when you strayed to some cunt outside of the penthouse,” That wasn’t exactly true, Negan thought, “But you indulging her every whim, taking her places, letting her have a fucking garden, promoting her to lieutenant in a matter of weeks… enough is enough. We are your wives! We gave up everything for you and now you won’t even look at us. Are you trying to become the laughing stock of the Sanctuary? Do you think your men will keep respecting you if you keep acting like this?”

Negan smiled maliciously at her.

“Wow, Sherry. Your jealousy and insecurities have really reached new fucking highs. Or lows? Whatever… Now listen closely, because I’m only going to say this once: First of all, that woman has almost single-handedly ensured our survival last winter, including yours, and now she has spent hours every fucking day for the past weeks planning and building with Marv so you can have fresh vegetables. You might want to show a little fucking gratitude while sitting on your ass all day, reading cheap fucking romance novels. She does that for people like you, who are too fucking occupied with such important stuff like painting your toenails, or running out of scented fucking body lotion, to even notice that it’s not a garden, but three big-ass fucking greenhouses.

Number two: we made that trip, because the woman who continues to work her fucking ass off for ungrateful little bitches like you had fallen sick and needed someone more competent than Dr. Clive fucking Fisher, a man too fucking stupid to handle a fucking pee stick.

Now… did you manage to conclude for yourself why I promoted her that quick, or do I have to repeat what I just said?”

“I…”

“Was a rhetorical fucking question, Sherry. You may be a lot of things, but stupid ain’t one of them. So next on your list of fucking grievances: that you are my wives and you gave up everything for me? You are a glorified fucking whore, Sherry. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me. Well, the other girls mostly. You, not so much. But anyway, you all tried to take care of me.

But don’t fool yourself for one fucking second into thinking that you can not be replaced just like this,” Negan snapped his fingers, “You all agreed to be with me, because you are too fucking weak and too fucking scared to survive in this world. You, in particular, left your fucking husband and let me cook his fucking face before you even so much as tried to put in a little bit of effort. Well done Sherry, you fucking monster.”

A sobbing Sherry flew out of the chair and into the hallway as fast as her high heels could carry her. Negan bowed his head, panting slightly. This fight had been a long time coming, but now that it was over and that he had successfully used a slew of words to cut as deep as he could, he didn’t feel relieved. He didn’t even feel superior. All he felt was numb and angry and anxious.

Was Sherry right? Did his men lose their respect for him, because of how he behaved around Lilly? Negan had only ever seen the other Saviors being respectful and even friendly with her. But did they still fear him, or had he become too soft? He cursed Sherry under his breath for getting into his head.

The petty part of his mind told him to distract himself by punishing Sherry the only way he knew how.

He found Dwight in the inventory room, sorting through various snack packages.

“Hello Tighty Dwighty, need any help?”

Dwight rolled his eyes at the stupid nickname and Negan chuckled. He took a perverse pleasure in getting a rise out of people who could not take a joke, especially after Sherry's jealousy-fueled tirade.

“Not really. I’m just checking stuff that we’re going to run out of soon. Gotta tell people that the times of night-time pretzel snacking are over.”

“Well, once the shit in the greenhouses is ready, they can stuff their fucking faces with fresh cucumbers and beans. Personally, I can’t wait to put the stuff on everything from rice to applesauce.”

“That is one of the most disgusting things that’s ever come out of your mouth and that’s saying something.”

“Deep down, I’m a 300 fucking pound pregnant woman.”

“Speaking of which… you know there’s been rumors going around, right? About you and Lilly.”

Not this shit again. Negan’s face darkened for a moment, before he managed to put his smile back on. He studied a can of peaches, thinking about if and how to answer Dwight’s question. Had Sherry talked to him, too?

“There’s always fucking rumors. Lots of people living so close together, most of them being fucking bored out of their skulls… Hell, I’ve been called everything under the fucking sun from being former military to an escaped murderer. Wanna know what people think about you and why Sherry left you for me? Spoiler alert: It has to do with your penis.”

A flash of rage swept over Dwight’s face. Negan didn’t care. If Dwight wanted to play the “He said, she said” game with him of all people, he better be prepared to get hit with some juicy news, too.

“This isn’t about me. I don’t give a fuck about your and Lilly’s relationship.”

“Pfft, yeah, right…”

“Will you shut up and listen just for one second? Your lieutenants have been worried. We all don’t care what you do behind closed doors or on fucking trips to other communities. But Lilly is important to the Sanctuary. Look what she accomplished with the greenhouses. So what are they going to do when she can’t contribute anymore?”

“Why the fuck would she stop contributing?”

“Well, she might decide to become a wife after all. Or… or what if she gets pregnant…?”

“Oh Dwight…” Negan and Dwight both spun around. Lilly was leaning against the doorway, points ledger in her hand and an amused smile on her lips, “Don’t worry about that. I only let Negan stick it up my butt, so we’re all safe. Thank you, though, for being so concerned about my reproductive activities.” Lilly’s voice, while still laced with humor, had gotten a warning tone. She held the ledger out to him, “Good thing I need you to double-check the points, since you seem to have way too much free time on your hands.”

Negan burst out laughing, holding on to one of the metal shelves.The unburnt side of Dwight’s face had taken on the same color as the angry scar that was meant to remind him of his position. He snatched the ledger from Lilly and stormed out of the room, leaving her and Negan alone for the first time in weeks. He tried to get a hold of himself and wiped tears of laughter from his eyes.

“That was the funniest shit I’ve ever had the honor to witness.”

“So glad to ‘contribute’”, she air quoted, “I’m getting sick and tired of people running their mouths, though.”

“Eh, let them talk. Most of them still like you. Fucking bummer, though, that it’s all just hot fucking air and not hot fucking, period.”

“Negan…”

“I know, I know. No more flirting.”

Lilly smiled sadly at him. He had tried on different occasions to go back to their usual banter when he had met her in the rec room, or at meetings. But while Lilly didn’t outright avoid Negan, she had made it clear that she wanted to keep her distance. He didn’t like it, but he had to respect it. Although he secretly hoped that it was just as hard for her as it was for him.

Lilly started to leave, when Negan addressed her again.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Jax likes dick?”

She turned around again.

“Because it’s not my story to tell.”

“Huh. Fiercely fucking loyal. That’s what Jax called you.”

“He’s not wrong, I guess. If I think someone deserves it.”

“Do I?”

“You’re my leader, Negan. I chose to live here and I will follow you and even kneel for you.”

“But nothing more than that?”

Lilly sighed.“Just give me some time. We can go back to being friends eventually.”

“But nothing more than that.”

“What do you want me to say, Negan? You have your wives…”

“I had the wives back when we were in that tent, too. But that didn’t stop you from fucking dry-humping me.”

“It was a momentary lack of judgement. It won’t happen again.”

“Bullshit, Lil. You want me and I want you.”

“Yeah, but unlike you I can ignore that.”

“I’m just sick and fucking tired of this hot and cold fuckery.”

“Then cold it is from now on.”

Negan let out a frustrated grunt and ran a hand through his hair. “Fine, have it your fucking way. I’ve got better things to do than chase pussy all around Sanctuary. You’re not the first hot chick that came to live here and didn’t want to be a wife and you won’t be the last.” He was trying to hurt her, by throwing Sherry’s words at her. Lilly saw right through him, though and he didn’t know whether he should be grateful for that, or terrified.

“Well have fun chasing all those other meaningless pussies, Mister I-don’t-do-kissing.” She sent one last pointed stare his way before she turned and left for good this time.

An assortment of cans went flying across the room, leaving Negan more frustrated than ever and now with the added anger over having to clean up inventory.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People getting handsy

“Morning George.”

“Good Morning Miss Lilly.” The older man shuffled up the hallway with his mop. “Have a good day!”

“You, too!” Lilly called back and ran down the stairs and into the cafeteria. Greeting some early eaters, she walked up to the lieutenant’s table, where Seth and Laura had already started their breakfast.

“Morning guys.”

“Mhh,” Seth grunted, not even looking up from the papers in front of him. Lilly didn’t mind. Seth was a combination of ‘Not a fucking morning person’ and ‘Master procrastinator always trying to finish his shit when it’s almost too late’.

“Morning Lil.”

“Morning Laura. What’s for breakfast?”

“Eggs with deer jerky and those fresh cucumbers.”

“We still have jerky?”

“Yeah, not much, though. Do you think you can go out again soon?”

“Sure. I can try. Gotta keep all you gluttonous savages well fed.”

“Are we talking seven sins? Because we can totally contribute.” Jax and Connor had come up behind Lilly to join them for breakfast. 

“If y’all could wait with the dick talk until lunch, I’d appreciate it,” Seth grumbled from his end of the table.

Lilly grinned before a wave of sadness hit her. Her thoughts had automatically strayed to Negan and how he would have loved to join in this particular kind of conversation. But their leader had been keeping his distance lately. Lilly should have been happy that he was making it easier for her to keep him off her mind. As it were, though, she missed him terribly.

She got herself a plate of food and joined her friends again, listening half-heartedly to their conversations. Her mind was in the penthouse and by the end of their meal she was angry with herself for being unable to keep Negan out of her head.

After breakfast, the group disbanded with Lilly and Jax migrating to a picnic table outside while everyone else started to get busy with their assigned jobs. Lilly sighed a breath of relief, from both the fresh air and the prospect of having a conversation with her closest friend.

“Day off?” Lilly asked. She and Jax sat down opposite each other on the benches.

“Yep. Gotta wait for Andrei to get back here so we can make another tour of the outposts.”

“Good. I missed your stupid face.”

“Aww. So much love in one morning, I can barely breathe.”

“Everything good between you and Connor, then?”

“We actually talked about moving in together.” Jax grinned and blushed. Lilly almost squealed. “He already spends all of his time at my place, so we thought… why hog a room someone else could use?”

“Hmm, yeah. Very practical,” Lilly smirked. A seat cushion hit her square in the face.

“Enough about my love life. What about yours?”

Lilly placed the cushion on the table in front of her and laid her head on her arms. “You know I don’t have one.”

“Well that’s not exactly true, is it? You could get some if you wanted to. I’m sure Andrei would be up for it.”

“But I don’t want to get some.”

“You used to be way more relaxed about just fucking someone for fun.”

“And when was that, Jax?” Lilly looked up scowling. “Remember when I used to be like that after Brian? Going out almost every night, getting shit-faced drunk. You even held an intervention.”

“I’m not saying you should do that again. I just think you should have a bit of fun. Find a distraction. Stop all this moping.”

“I’m not moping…”

“You were moping just ten minutes ago during breakfast. I know your moping face.”

“You’re a moping face.”

They looked at each other for a moment and then chuckled.

“I suppose you have a point…”

“Thank you,” he declared with a triumphant smile.

“The greenhouse project was a good distraction. Going hunting used to be great to get my mind off things, but being alone with my thoughts turned out to be quite counterproductive. I thought I was over the whole thing.”

“Pretty sure Negan wouldn’t appreciate you calling him a ‘thing’.”

“Keep your voice down!” she hissed and glanced around the courtyard.

“Oh come on, it’s not like no one already knows about you and him.”

“There is no ‘me and him’. And Sherry and Valerie hate me enough as it is. I swear I’m going to burst into flames one of these days from the way they look at me. I just want things to calm down.”

“Fuck them. What are they going to do? Throw their bras at you?”

Lilly giggled before getting serious again. “I know you like to ridicule them, but at least Sherry does have some kind of influence here. And I don’t just mean over Negan, but Dwight, too.”

“Well fuck Dwight, too. It’s pathetic the way he stills hangs on her tit.”

Lilly raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you think he’s moping?”

“That’s different. Dude should have more self-respect.”

“He still loves her, he can’t help it. You can’t just turn off your feelings for someone.” She looked down and started fiddling with a loose string on the cushion.

Jax sighed. “It’s just your luck that you fall in love with one of the most unavailable men. And in the fucking apocalypse, too.” Lilly’s eyebrows knit together. “What? You’re gonna deny it?”

“Love is a bit of a strong word. Especially when it comes to him.”

“Why? Because he’s the King Dick Motherfucker around here? Is there some kind of rule I’m not aware of that you’re not allowed to feel that way for him?”

“It’s complicated.”

“No, it’s not. In fact, I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual.”

She looked up at him. “Bullshit. He’s happy with his wives.”

“See, I know for a fact that this, at least, is not true. Apparently, Valerie has been bitching to Connor that Negan has been ignoring them all for quite some time now.”

“Ugh, will you please stop participating in the stupid fucking gossip?”

“And I already told you that he has at least considered ditching them.”

“Oh, you wanna talk about your little heart-to-heart with Negan in the garage again?”

“No thanks,” he grimaced, “I’m still recovering from the last verbal castration. What I’m trying to tell you is, all signs point towards him having feelings for you.”

“Elementary, my dear Watson! Why are you even championing Negan so much? A man with a harem, a potty mouth and a penchant for objectophilia. Wouldn’t you want a nice, good man as a potential brother-in-law?”

“There are no more nice and good men, Lilly. At least with Negan I know that he’ll keep you safe. Besides, who else would put up with your annoying ass?” He winked at her.

“Not him, apparently. He told me that he’s done chasing me.”

“And was that before or after he tried to kiss you?” Lilly sighed and kept fiddling with the cushion. Jax put his hand over hers. “Listen, you should go do something. All this sitting around in between runs, doing nothing but brooding… it’s not good for you.”

“Yeah…” She got up. “You’re right. I’m gonna go patrol the fence for a while.”

“I thought more along the lines of yoga, or reading a book, but… okay. Oh and come over to my place tonight. We’ll have a drink, or two. Or three. Play some cards. I’ll tell Laura and Seth, too.”

“Okay,” Lilly smiled, “Thank you, Jax.”

“You know I’m always here for you, right? And if you need some more one-on-one time, just say the word. Connor won’t mind if I kick him out for a couple of hours.”

“I know. I’ll see you later.”

She ran upstairs to get her bow from her room and back down to start walking along the perimeter of Sanctuary. Lilly made sure to carefully examine every segment of the fence to look for holes. She watched the undead to see if any of them got free, or too decayed. At the greenhouses, she made a quick stop to look inside and talk to the gardening crew before resuming her walk.

When she was almost back at where she had started, she noticed that some of the barbed wire on top of the fence had become rusty. Lilly looked up and thought about telling Carson, to make sure it would be replaced, when she heard someone approaching. She glanced sideways and her heart beat faster. Apparently, the reason for her taking a walk around Sanctuary had had the same idea. She figured he would pass her without a word and she kept her eyes stubbornly on the fence, but he stopped next to her, his leather jacket brushing her arm. They stood like this for a while in silence.

“What the fuck are we looking at?”

“The fence. The barbed wire up there needs to be replaced.”

“Oh… thought you’d seen a funny shaped cloud. Giant flying dick in the sky or something.”

Lilly tried her best to keep it in, but it was no use. She snorted with laughter for what felt like the first time in weeks. When she had calmed down, she looked up at him and saw him smiling down at her. Their eyes met and his face changed to an almost sad look. Lilly turned her head back to the fence. The walkers on the other side had become active at the noise she had made. She watched them squirm and groan when she felt his hand slip into hers. Their fingers intertwined. His thumb stroked over her skin. Lilly kept her eyes on the undead, a lump forming in her throat and she let go of him to take a step back.

“I uhm… I gotta go find Carson. Tell him about the fence.”

“Sure. Yeah. I’ll see you around.”

She gave him another half-smile and walked around the corner to go back inside through the side entrance. Her path was blocked by someone.

“Oh sorry, didn’t see you there Sherry.” The other woman merely looked at her, her face unreadable. “Uhhh… do you mind? I gotta go find Carson.”

Sherry’s face split into a radiant smile. It made Lilly uneasy, but at least Sherry stepped to the side to let her pass.

“Of course. Have a nice day, Lilly.”

“Yeah. You too.” Lilly frowned. She walked up the hallway and turned around again before rounding the corner that led to the cafeteria. Sherry was still watching her. Lilly shrugged and continued her search for Carson.

That night in Jax’s room, Lilly successfully shut up the thoughts in her head with the help of her friends and a bottle of Jack Daniels. 

“You know what you guys? I wanna thank you all for not making me feel like a fifth wheel. You’re all pretty awesome.” Lilly’s words were already a little slurred, but she got her message across. Even Seth broke out into an exaggerated “Awwwww.”

“You gotta bring a date next time, Lil,” Connor called over from the table where he, Jax and Seth were playing poker, “We could do some couple’s shit, like brunch or a wine tasting.”

“Or rent a cabin and do karaoke,” Seth added sarcastically.

“How about a big orgy? I mean, our options are kinda limited nowadays.” Lilly laughed at the shocked faces that came with her suggestion.

“I think you’ve been spending a little too much time with our leader.” Connor wiggled his eyebrows over his glass of whiskey.

“No, she hasn’t. Shut up Connor!” Laura was always very protective of Lilly. They put their heads back together to continue their whispered conversation on Jax’s bed.

“It all comes down to the wives, doesn’t it? I mean, you’d be game if it wasn’t for them, right?”

“At this point? Fuck yeah. And you know what, and I really need you to keep this between the two of us…”

“Of course, Lil.”

“...but I’m drunk enough tonight to just get it over with and fuck him. Just… walk into his room and climb that big, muscly, hard…”

“Okay, okay, I got the message…” Laura interrupted her with a look of thinly veiled disgust.

“What? You can’t deny he’s attractive.”

“Not really my type. I mean… he’s got an OK face, I guess. Needs some tattoos, though.”

“On his face?”

Laura giggled, a sound that stood in stark contrast to her tough looks. “You’re too drunk, Lil.”

“No, I’m not!”

“You’re right. Here, have some more.” She poured Lilly another glass. “I know you’re talking out of your ass, by the way. If you just wanted to fuck him, you would have done so ages ago.”

“Let me keep lying to myself, okay? That way it’s easier to lie to others, too. Including him.”

“You know what, though… if he’s not willing to get rid of those bitches, he’s not worth your time.”

“Don’t call them that.” Lilly frowned into her drink. “By the way, I ran into Sherry today. She was acting so weird.”

“Isn’t that kind of her default? On no, wait, default is bitchy. Can you believe that she went into the kitchen this week and demanded they add more meat to the wives’ plates from now on?”

“Oh shit, that reminds me… I gotta go hunting tomorrow.” Lilly climbed off the bed to the protests of everyone in the room. “Hey, you can either have drunk and tired me for a couple more hours, or some juicy meat tomorrow night…”

“I know I’m already gonna get some juicy meat tonight,” Jax piped up and grinned at Connor.

“Aaaaand, that’s my cue. See you guys tomorrow.” Lilly bade them all goodnight and staggered to her room, congratulating herself on not getting lost in the courtyard, or in the many halls of the Sanctuary.

Grateful for the numbing buzz the whiskey had caused, she quickly got into bed to take advantage of the drunken tiredness and hopefully get a couple of hours of sleep.

It was still the middle of the night when she woke up again. Her first thought was that she had had a nightmare. Her heart was racing and cold sweat broke out on her entire body.

Lilly opened her eyes with her mind wide awake and her body trying to catch up as fast as it could. Her stomach felt like she had just downed a glass of ice cold water. Looking around frantically, she slipped her hand underneath her pillow to reach for her knife. All she found were the wrinkles in her sheets. A shadow slipped into her periphery and suddenly, someone was on top of her and Lilly hissed from the sharp pain on her neck. She immediately calmed the violent movements that had been her first instinctual reaction.

“That’s right bitch, you better calm the fuck down before I slit your throat,” a woman’s voice snarled. 

Lilly tried to adjust her eyes to the darkness by concentrating on the lighter spots on her attacker’s form. Lots of exposed skin, long hair. The legs straddling Lilly were naked. She heard the sound of leather creaking with every one of the woman’s breaths. A wife? But not Sherry, nor Amber.

“Listen, I don’t have anything of value. I don’t know who you are. Please, just let me go and leave. No one will know about this.”

“Oh, but you’ve got something of value. Your pretty face. Once it’s gone, he won’t look at you again.”

The pain left Lilly’s neck and went to her cheek right next to her ear. Her left hand shot up and slapped the intruder’s arm out of the way, while her right fist sunk into her stomach. The woman’s body doubled over. She used the moment to fumble for the knife, barely registering slicing her palm open when she tried to pry open the hand holding the weapon. Lilly threw another punch into the darkness, not even knowing where it went. A grunt of pain and the woman’s fingers opened just enough for Lilly to pull out the knife. She stabbed the blade into a patch of pale skin. A scream of pain and Lilly threw off her attacker. She scrambled over her bed to her nightstand and switched the camping light on.

Valerie was lying on the crumpled, bloody mess that was Lilly’s bed, holding her right shoulder. She was wailing and cursing.

“You killed me you fucking bitch,” Valerie cried and looked up at Lilly.

“Calm down, you’re not dying.” But Lilly felt the first prickling stabs of panic travelling up her spine. The realization of what had just happened hit her with full force, now that the immediate threat to her life was gone. She heard the door behind her fly open and spun around, knife at the ready.

“Holy shit! What happened?” Laura stared wide-eyed at the scene before her.

“Lilly tried to kill me. She stabbed me,” Valerie whimpered from the bed.

“You tried to mutilate my face. You attacked me,” Lilly yelled. 

“Give me the knife, Lil. Let’s just calm down, okay?” Laura held out her hand and Lilly handed over her knife. Behind Laura, Dwight and Seth burst into the room, their sleepy faces contorting in shock when they saw the scene in and around Lilly’s bed.

“Oh shit…”

“What the fuck?”

“We heard screaming. Shit Lil, you’re bleeding.”

Lilly didn’t even register who was talking. She sat down between her bed and her nightstand, her back to the wall, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face in her hands. 

“Laura, stay with her. I’ll take Val to Fisher.”

“And I’ll go get Negan.”

The room went silent. Lilly heard a cupboard door opening and closing and then someone sat down in front of her. Gentle fingers tried to pry away her hands from her face.

“Come on Lilly. Let me have a look at you.” Laura rummaged in the first aid kit and came back with some gauze and a bottle of iodine. Lilly stared at her palms. Blood was seeping out from the cut on her left hand. Her whole body started to shake violently. 

“I didn’t want to hurt her. She tried to cut my face. I didn’t…”

“Okay. It’s okay Lilly. Looks like she didn’t just try.” Laura dabbed the gauze on the wound right next to Lilly’s ear. The resulting burning was a welcomed sensation. “Those cuts look nasty. I think you need stitches.”

Lilly looked up at Laura. Her face was pale and full of concern.

“What’s going to happen now?”

“I don’t know, Lil. We have to wait for Negan. For what it’s worth, I believe you. I know you would never hurt anyone just out of nowhere.” Laura continued cleaning Lilly’s wounds. She wrapped a bandage around Lilly’s hand, but she couldn’t do anything for the cut on her face for now.

Laura had just put a blanket around Lilly, when they heard heavy footsteps barreling up the hallway. Lilly couldn’t bring herself to look up when they stopped in her doorway. She was back to watching her palms and the dark red spot blossoming on the white bandage.

“Valerie attacked her. She was just defending herself.”

“Get the fuck out Laura.”

“But…”

A moment of silence. A different, lighter set of footsteps leaving the room and closing the door. A heavy sigh and then the sound of someone sitting down on the bed next to where Lilly was crouching.

“Will she be okay?” Lilly whispered and started dabbing her index finger into the red spot on her bandage. A large hand closed around hers to keep her from messing with her wound.

“She’ll live.” The hand pulled away again. “I need you to tell me exactly what happened in here. Every tiny fucking detail.”

“I woke up because someone was in my room,” Lilly started, her voice hollow in her own ears. “I went for my knife. I had forgotten that I had lost it. Then she was on top of me. Held a knife to my throat. It’s mine, isn’t it? The knife?” Lilly looked up for the first time. Negan held her knife in his hand. It was coated in blood, both hers and and Valerie’s. Her eyes found Negan’s. His brows were furrowed, but he kept silent, waiting for her to continue. Lilly looked back down at her knees. “I told her to just leave. That no one would find out. She started to cut my face. Said she’d take it away so he… you... wouldn’t look at me anymore.” She glanced back at Negan. He rested his elbow on his leg and pinched his nose. “I punched her. Was able to take the knife from her. I just wanted to get away from her. I didn’t… I stabbed her, but I didn’t want to kill her.”

Lilly fell silent. She waited for Negan to say something. When she heard nothing for a while, she looked back up at him. He sat motionless with his head hung low, staring at the knife in his hands.

“Negan…”

“You hurt a wife, Lilly.” He still didn’t move.

“I didn’t mean to…”

“But you did.”

“I was defending myself.” Lilly couldn’t believe that she had to justify her actions. The numbness she had felt since Laura had showed up dissipated to be replaced by anger and confusion.

“That’s not the story she’s telling.” He started to twirl the butterfly knife. Open. Close. Open. Close. “She says she found your knife and wanted to give it back to you. Says you attacked her out of nowhere.”

“She wanted to give me my knife back?” Lilly jumped up to stand over Negan. “At three o’clock in the fucking morning?” 

“That’s what she’s saying.”

“Look at me Negan!” He slowly raised his head as if it took him a huge effort to do so. When his eyes fell on the cut on her neck and then the one still bleeding on the side of her face, he grimaced. “You believe her?”

“It’s not about who I believe, Lil. You stabbed one of my wives. You know the fucking rules. You know what happens to those who touch them.”

A wave of panic washed over Lilly. “You can’t be serious. Negan, she attacked me.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter.” He got up and walked to the window, his back to her. “When they agree to become my wife, I make a fucking promise to protect them. And you all know that no one is allowed to lay a hand on them whether it is to fuck them, or to hurt them. Those are the fucking rules, Lilly.”

“Negan, please...”

“You want me to make a fucking exception for you? Tell my men that the rules don’t apply to you? Wanna explain to Dwight why he gets punished and you don’t?”

“So now what? You’re going to finish what Valerie started and destroy my face with your iron?”

He sighed and hung his head again. Lilly wished that he would turn around. She was trapped in a nightmare and she knew if he would just look at her, see what Valerie did to her, he would come to his senses and she could wake up.

“I ca… I won’t hurt you. But you need to go.”

“No! No, Negan, please, don’t do that to me.” Her eyes filled with tears.

_ You need to go, Lilly. I don’t ever want to see you in Alexandria again. _

“You can’t stay at Sanctuary. You will go to an outpost.”

“Please Negan! This is my home.”

_ Alexandria is my home, Rick.  _

_ Not anymore. _

“Not anymore, Lilly. You have until morning to pack up your shit, but you’re not allowed to leave this room. I’ll send Fisher to look at those cuts.” He walked to the door while Lilly collapsed onto her bed, sobbing. Negan stopped in the doorway for a moment, his hand on the wall. He turned his head a little as if he wanted to look at her and say something. A moment later, he was gone. 

  
  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations with annoying people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for angst and a little bit of smut

“You’re back.”

“Didn’t really have a choice.”

“How is she?”

“What do you think?”

Negan looked up at the blonde man standing in front of his desk. Despite his short stature, Jax towered over Negan. His jaw was set in a hard line, one hand clenched into a fist, the other holding his motorcycle helmet, his eyes full of rage. He probably contemplated punching Negan in the face. Negan probably would have let him. 

All he had received from the Saviors since banishing Lilly were hateful looks in hallways. That is, if you didn’t count his lieutenants’ outrage during the first meeting without her. Negan was itching for a fight. Although whether to blow off some steam, or because deep down, he knew that he deserved to be punished, he did not know.

Negan glared at Jax, unwilling to take the bait. If he had to throw some punches, he would at least try not to be the instigator. After a couple of moments, Jax deflated and sat down in the chair opposite of Negan, sighing.

“She’s miserable. Though she tries to hide it, of course. But she’s barely eating, doesn’t get any sleep. The others at the outpost are giving her a hard time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just stupid comments, she says. Though I’m afraid she was just trying to play it down. I didn’t hear anything while I was there, but I saw the way they looked at her. They’re assholes and cowards. Kept their mouths shut when I was around.”

“Can’t be that fucking bad then.” Jax glowered at Negan. “I’ll tell Andrei to check up on her whenever he visits. So she kicked your stupid ass back to Sanctuary? How the fuck did you slip past the guards?”

Negan had ordered people to keep an eye on Jax. He knew that he would try to follow Lilly.

“Wouldn’t you like to know…?” Jax sneered.

“Fuck you, Jax! You wanna keep living here, you play by the rules.”

“No, fuck you and your stupid fucking rules, Negan!” Jax jumped up again, throwing his helmet and backpack on the chair and started pacing. Negan leaned back in his office chair and watched him wearily. This one he definitely deserved, although he would never admit it. 

“It’s been almost three weeks. How long are you going to keep pretending that you made the right decision?”

“She broke the fucking rules.”

“She was just defending herself from a crazy bitch who tried to cut off her face.”

“It’s her word against Valerie’s.”

“Oh yeah? Then why did you send Valerie to an outpost, too, if you believe her?”

Negan pinched his nose and sighed. “I’m not going to justify my fucking decisions to you. Now calm the fuck down before I throw your ass out and make sure you never see Lilly nor Connor ever again. He’s the reason she told you to come back, wasn’t he?”

Jax’s eyes widened before letting out a humorless laugh. “You two can just read each other’s minds, can’t you? God…” He shook his head. “I hope you sleep well at night, knowing that you threw the woman you love to the wolves. At least you’ve got those bitches who planned the whole thing to keep you warm…”

“Get the fuck out.”

Jax grabbed his things and opened the door. Connor was waiting for him on the other side, looking concerned.

“Oh, and Jax…” Negan called after him and he turned around again. “Two weeks of fence duty.”

Jax opened his mouth, no doubt to tell Negan exactly where he could shove his fence duty, but Connor grabbed his arm and all but dragged him out of Negan’s office, before shutting the door behind them. Apparently, there were at least some people left who knew not to poke the bear with the baseball bat.  

“Motherfucking fuck fuckety fuck!”

Negan closed his eyes and rubbed one hand over his face. 

How did this all happen? How did it come to this? Him hiding in his office or his room all day, drinking way too much, snarling at everyone who dared to talk to him. His wives plotting to get rid of one of his lieutenants, because, oh he knew that Sherry had been behind it. He was still trying to figure out what to do with her. 

So far he had opted for ordering them all to stay in their rooms one level underneath the penthouse. Sherry had tried to approach him a couple of times, but had backed off in fear after he had barked at her to get the fuck out of his sight.

Laura had all but tried to rip his head off when he had told the others that Lilly was gone. Seth had just shaken his head in defeat. When Dwight had opened his mouth, too, he had threatened them all with the same fate as Lilly’s and it had been nothing but scowls and one-worded answers since then.

And now some little shithead came into his office, telling him what to do and how to feel and it took him all of his mental strength not to make some additions to the fence, or to just empty the bottle of whiskey sitting in his drawer until he could slip away into blissful nothingness.

No more worries. No more doubts. No more people questioning his every move.

No more fucking feelings.

He had hoped that with her gone, things would go back to normal. But try as he might, Lilly would not stop invading his mind. It had been the same when Lucille had died. The difference was that Lilly was not dead. He could hop into a car right now and drive over to the outpost to see her, to tell her that he was sorry and to please come home.

He wanted her home so bad. 

Negan stood up with a frustrated grunt and started pacing. 

He just needed more time. Time heals all wounds, is what they say, right? He walked back over to his desk where Lucille was sitting on top of some ledgers and papers. He stroked over her smooth handle until he reached the first coil of barbed wire.

A sense of dread washed over him. Time hadn’t healed the gaping hole in his heart that Lucille had left. He had merely managed to slap some band aids over it, by keeping busy with leading the Saviors and the whole surviving the end of the world thing. 

And by fucking a bunch of women.

Distraction. That’s what he needed. He walked around his desk and opened one of the drawers, took a bracing swig of whiskey, grabbed Lucille and took off to the stairs leading up the Tower. On the floor underneath the penthouse, he stopped to catch his breath for a moment before heading to the room with the open door at the end of the corridor. The wives usually spent their time together at Sherry’s place nowadays and he could hear their voices echoing through the Tower.

With Lucille resting on his shoulder, Negan summoned his widest grin and swaggered into the room.

“Ladies…”

“Negan!” Sherry jumped up from her bed like a child that had been caught doing something naughty. “Are you alright? Do you need something?”

Her fake smile and even faker concern sparked Negan’s rage anew, but he ignored her, knowing it to be one of the most effective punishments for her, short of laying hands on Dwight.

“Tara, Becky… how about you two join me upstairs for a game of hide the salami? The salami being my dick.”

The two girls giggled and got up dutifully. Sherry looked like she wanted to say something, but one look from Negan made her shut up and sit back down with Amber.

Negan made his way upstairs with his entourage. He plopped down on one of the sofas in the penthouse’s anteroom and laid Lucille next to him, very much aware that the usual excitement he felt when he was about to have sex was distinctly absent. He tried to concentrate on the two beautiful women positioning themselves on the floor in front of him.

“How do you want us, Negan?” Tara cooed while roaming her hands over Becky’s neck and shoulders. The two lovers knew each other inside and out and would only ever let Negan play with both of them, never with one alone.

Usually, the question alone would make Negan rock hard and eager, but today it seemed like his dick needed a little more persuasion.

“Just play with each other for a while. I’ll join in later.” He winked at them and after another round of giggles, they started kissing each other passionately. Tara’s hand in Becky’s hair, Becky’s arm sliding around Tara’s waist to grab her ass, the remaining limbs exploring every inch of the other’s skin, Negan hardly knew where one girl started and the other ended.

He finally started to feel the familiar swelling building in his pants, albeit slower than usual. Where his arousal normally felt like a rush of excitement in his belly and groin, this time it was a dull smolder, like embers that had already burned down and were now grasping for every atom of oxygen to ignite themselves again.

Becky and Tara slowly took off each other’s clothes. The wives had started to dress more conservatively lately, sporting jeans and t-shirts instead of corsets and fishnet stockings. Negan didn’t mind. It wasn’t like he had touched any of them since the incident with Valerie and Lilly.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force the image of Lilly’s blood-covered face out of his mind. When he opened them again, Becky had taken one of Tara’s nipples into her mouth. Negan grinned to himself. 

“Yeah baby, suck those titties!”

He shifted a little on the sofa to better accommodate his growing erection. One of his hands wandered down to rub himself through his pants. Tara noticed and looked hungrily at him. She moved her hand that wasn’t buried in Becky’s hair towards his thigh and up to help him. Becky’s hand followed. Negan closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of their fingers stroking all over his lap. One of them opened his belt and pants. With one less layer of clothing between their hands and his cock, the feeling of them rubbing and caressing him got better by the second. Negan moaned and grabbed one of the girl’s hands to guide her to more sensitive places, applying more pressure. He was yet to become fully hard, but he was slowly getting there. So many hands. He sure hoped that Lilly’s hand was recovering well from that nasty cut. There had been so much blood.

“Fuck!” His eyes sprang open. The girls had been busy kissing each other again and came unglued with a soft ‘pop!’. Tara grinned at him, obviously thinking that the expletive had been caused by a particularly pleasurable squeeze of hers.

She moved her fingers to the waistband of his boxer shorts and tugged to free his dick. They both leaned towards him eagerly, all the while stroking and squeezing the other’s breasts. Negan tried to focus. He was about to get his dick sucked by two beautiful women, for fuck’s sake.

Becky looked up at him, pouting. “Hmm… looks like Little Negan is still not quite in the mood.”

“Just keep going girls. Little Negan is currently a little fucking preoccupied, but he’ll be joining us shortly.”

They giggled and returned their attention to his lap, adding lips and tongues to palms and fingers. Negan sighed. Their sucking and licking felt so goddamn good. Then why did his dick still flop around like a half-deflated balloon animal? His eyes fell on Lucille. He grabbed her handle and tried to lose himself in the sensation of her smooth wooden skin, stroking up and down and back up to her barbed wire. His thumb ghosted over one of her spikes. Panting slightly, he pressed down. The pain was both sharp and yet dull. He would need to replace the wire soon, before she lost her edge completely.

“Negan, please! Don’t do that!” Becky hated when he gave Lucille attention during sex.

He let go of his bat and leaned back against the headrest. The girls tried their best to regain his attention. 

_ Negan, please, don’t do that to me. _

He focused on Tara and Becky. They kissed each other again.

_ No! _

He clenched his eyes shut. The girls were licking, sucking…

_ Please Negan! This is my home. _

“God fucking dammit!” Negan jumped up and stalked over to one of the windows, tucking himself away. He put his palms on the cool panes before bowing his head.

“Negan…?”

“You can go! I’m sorry ladies. Looks like Little Negan is other-fucking-wise engaged.” 

He heard rustling behind him, then footsteps muffled by soft carpet. A door opened and closed and he was alone.

Negan decided to go for the alternative.

Twenty minutes later, the previously half-full bottle on the coffee table in his room was missing another third and Negan leaned back in his cozy armchair, trying to relax. His head and eyes felt much heavier than before. The tingly feeling of the alcohol chasing through his veins effectively overwrote his memories of Lilly and the implications of why she had managed to cockblock him from forty miles away.

He had almost dozed off when a knock came from the door. Negan grimaced. Probably Sherry ready to bust his balls. He was in no state to deal with her right now and decided to keep quiet. Her impatience would hopefully take her back downstairs.

A second knock came, this time accompanied by a male voice asking if he was there. Carson.

“Yeah, come in.” The large door opened and his assistant stepped in, nervously adjusting his glasses. “What is it this time?”

“Sorry to disturb you, Sir. Andrei came in an hour ago. He’s about to leave for the northern outpost, but he wanted instructions on how to deal with the Hilltop. Their tribute was light again.”

Negan sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. A little voice in his head told him that he probably shouldn’t do any serious leading right now. He told the voice to shut the fuck up. Andrei was about to leave for the northern outpost. Where she was. He should just get up and go there with Andrei. Tell her to come home.

“Sir…?”

She would probably kick his ass right back to the Sanctuary. Stubborn bi… no. She hates when people use the word ‘bitch’. He would have to go on his fucking knees and tell her he’s sorry. That he needed her. That he lov…

“Sir!”

“What?” Negan blinked at Carson.

“What do you want me to tell Andrei?”

“Uhm…” Negan tried to gather his thoughts. He shook his head a little to chase away the ridiculous ideas that had invaded his mind. “Tell him to make abso-fucking-lutely sure that everything is in order at the northern outpost. And I mean everything.”

“Oh… okay. I’ll tell him. But what about the situation with the Hilltop?”

Negan waved one hand dismissively and took his glass with the other. “Tell our guys in the west to take care of it. I can’t be every-fucking-where. If they can’t deal with this shit on their own then they’re fucking useless to me.”

Carson nodded and backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. Negan downed the glass and poured himself another for good measure. After emptying this one, too, he leaned back in his armchair again. Where had all this shit in his mind come from? He closed his eyes, hoping that he wasn’t going insane. His head started to spin. Maybe the time had finally come and he was going batshit crazy. His head felt so heavy. He thought that it had taken him long enough, after everything he had gone through. His head dropped to one side and everything went blissfully dark.

When Negan woke up again, it was already dark outside. He congratulated himself on still being in his room and not at a Country Club fifteen miles north of D.C. to chase some elusive pussy. His self-praise soon turned into self-pity when a headache from hell struck his brain like a nail-studded hammer.

“Fuck…” He rubbed his temples and looked around for a bottle of water.

His door swung open with a force that seemed impossible for the petite woman standing on the other side. Sherry stomped over to where Negan was sitting by the window and sat down in the armchair opposite of him.

“You haven’t talked to me in weeks, Negan.”

“Shit, I wonder why…” he mumbled, but Sherry didn’t seem to hear him.

“This is getting ridiculous, Negan. You won’t even look at me. I’m your wife, remember? Your first.”

“You’re not my fucking first and neither will you be my fucking last.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Now will you finally talk to me and tell me what the fuck is going on?” She looked at him expectantly, her body rigid, her eyes determined. Negan clenched his jaw, mentally preparing himself for the fact that he could not delay this conversation any longer.

“You wanna talk? Okay, let’s fucking talk….” He stood and started pacing.

“Good. First of all, when are you going to bring Valerie back? She didn’t do anything. It was an accident.”

Negan laughed mirthlessly. “You really wanna go there? Okay. It’s your fucking funeral, Sherry. I know what really happened. I know it was you who set Valerie up to this. I know you plotted with her to hurt Lilly, either to incapacitate her, or to make her defend herself against Val, knowing that she would get punished. Of course you only told Valerie about the former. Otherwise she never would have agreed to be a fucking pawn in your little scheme.”

“I didn’t…”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” he snarled. “I know you better than anyone else, Sherry Baby, including your fucking husband. You know, the real one? The one you actually exchanged fucking vows with. I bet it was some generic fucking Corinthians shit that you chose without his fucking input.” Sherry’s eyes grew wide. Negan chuckled. “Whoops. Hit a fucking mark there, didn’t I?

“Any-fucking-way. I tried to ignore you. I really fucking did. I hoped that by sending Valerie to the outpost, you’d get the fucking message. But you just had to keep fucking pushing me. So since you have to have everything spelled out for you, let me indulge you one last fucking time. 

“It’s over. I won’t ever fucking touch you again. Which is technically a fucking blessing for you since you got bored with my dick about three months into this fucked up arrangement. I thought about you finally getting intimate with Lucille. That would be fucking poetic. Since you’ve always fucking hated the very sight of her. Then I considered banishing you, together with Val. But I’d rather keep an eye on you. Plus, and I do acknowledge your cunning here, you left me with no proof of your involvement. 

“So, as not to make my people question my fucking decisions any further… you’ll stay. You can keep your room and anything you acquired during your time as a wife. You’ll still get your meals for free. But that’s it. No more fucking privileges. No more playing Queen B of Sanctuary. You want more? Get a fucking job.”

“No Negan, please…”

“Okay, it seems like I still haven’t made myself perfectly fucking clear. This is not up for discussion. You can either take it and keep your head down, or I’m gonna put Dwight on fence duty. Permanently. As in, he’ll become part of the fucking fence. And then, if that still doesn’t get my point across, you’ll be next. Sherry Baby and Tighty Dwighty, finally reu-fucking-nited in death. Isn’t that the most romantic fucking shit you’ve ever heard?”

“Please don’t hurt him, Negan!” She was crying now. In the past, he would have softened right up. But those times were over.

“I won’t if you play really fucking nice from now on. Despite Dwight being an asshole most of the time, he’s still a valuable member of this community. So I’d hate to tie his ugly mug to the fence. But I will do it if you don’t shut the fuck up and stay out of my fucking way from now on. Do you understand, Sherry?”

“Yes,” she whispered between sobs. Negan put his hand behind his ear and leaned towards her.

“What was that? I didn’t catch that?”

“Yes, Negan,” she answered, louder this time and with hatred shining through her tears. “What about the other girls?”

“They’re none of your fucking business anymore. Maybe I’ll keep them around for representative reasons…” Negan shrugged. He hadn’t really thought about Amber, Becky and Tara yet. His dick was obviously done with them. They’d probably be happy if he told them that he didn’t need their services anymore. “Now go gather any shit you still have up here and then get the fuck out. The penthouse is out of bounds for you from now on. And do us both a fucking favor and keep the fuck away from me. You need anything, go see Carson.”

Sherry gave another shaky sob and hugged herself. When Negan did not react to her last attempt at pulling at his heartstrings, she got up and finally left.

Negan felt nothing but relief for a moment. Then, a nagging little voice -which sounded suspiciously like Sherry- brought up his fear of losing the respect of his men. He grabbed Lucille from her place on the drawer and swung her viciously through the air. He had had enough of those doubts creeping through his mind. He was the biggest, baddest motherfucker around here. He was the leader of the Saviors. If he felt like changing the rules, he would do it and fuck anyone who dared to question him.

He took another swing, this time hitting the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table. The room became filled with a peaty scent. The ground was now covered in shards and his girl was dripping wet. Negan grinned. 

It was time to bring back his other girl.

Tomorrow morning, he would take a car and drive up to the northern outpost. Maybe he would even take Jax with him for support. To convince her to come home. 

He brought out towels, oil and a fresh coil of barbed wire and got busy cleaning and redressing Lucille. He wanted her to look her best in the morning. A long bath and careful shave was due for himself before he would depart for the outpost. And his room had to be cleaned. Carson could take care of that.

With a newfound sense of determination and hope, he prepared for bed and, despite his excitement, sleep came easily to him for the first time in weeks.

* * *

 

He woke up with a start to an overload of senses. The stink of whiskey. The feeling of not having gotten enough sleep. The realization that it was still dark outside. And the sound of frantic knocking on the other side of his door, followed by Carson’s voice.

Negan ran a hand through his hair, switched on the camping lantern on his bedside table and forced himself to get out of bed and into his clothes and boots. He opened the door and squinted at Carson, who looked close to throwing up.

“What in the everloving fuck, Carson?”

“Sir… I’m so sorry. It’s an emergency. Andrei is back…”

“Why in the name of Mary Magdalene’s holy titties are you waking me up for Andrei?”

“Sir, he brought Lilly. She’s hurt…”

Negan flew out of the room and down the stairs, without even registering Carson yelling after him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m terribly sorry that it took me so long to update. Real life got in the way and I am all the more grateful for your continuous support and for every kind word you lovely people have sent my way.

Negan didn’t know where he was going until he saw light coming from the infirmary. He burst into the room where Fisher was leaning over the stretcher, working on the body in front of him.

The doctor stepped to the side and Negan nearly screamed.

If Carson hadn’t told him that it was Lilly who had been brought in, he wouldn’t have recognized her. She might as well have been a biter. She wore only a thin t-shirt and panties. Both must have been some shade of gray at some point, but were now stained dark red. At least where they weren’t ripped. Her legs were either covered in blood, or in blue-ish green bruises.

The worst was her face, though. The entire right side seemed mutilated. Her eye was swollen shut, her upper lip bleeding, adding to the blood coming from a cut over her brow. The way her hair was plastered to her skull, wet and shiny, told him that she had at least one more head injury.

Lilly seemed disoriented and had obvious difficulties speaking. That didn’t keep her from trying to shove Fisher off her, though.

“Go away! I’m fine,” she mumbled through clenched teeth, her right hand flopping around aimlessly in an attempt to shoo the doctor away. Fisher ignored her and kept prodding and poking, taking advantage of her weakened state and remaining exceptionally calm during his examination.

Despite the lack of panic in the infirmary, Negan felt the cold claws of fear creeping up and down his spine. He still stood in the doorway, jaw hanging open, hands gripping the door frame, eyes frantically scanning the stretcher and the area around it. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t even know where to start.

“Boss…?”

Negan spun around. Carson and Andrei stood in the hallway, the former looking at him expectantly, awaiting orders, the latter tired and fearful.

“What the fuck happened? Who did this?” Negan had meant to shout, but all that came out of him was something between a whisper and a growl.

Andrei ran a hand over his face and sighed. “I don’t know any specifics, man. I got to the outpost real late. Look, I know we’re not supposed to be out there after dark, but…” Negan waved a hand at him impatiently to show that he didn’t give a fuck right now. “Anyway… I got there late and everyone was already asleep, but Carson had told me that you want me to look after her, so I went to her room and she wasn’t there. I went looking for her and heard noises coming from the basement and that’s where I found those two degenerates all over her.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know Negan. I shot them, grabbed her and got the fuck outta there. Took a car, too. Couldn’t bring her here on my bike. It’s still at the outpost. I’ll bring the car back tomorrow and go get my bike. Shit, man, I thought she’d die on me on the way here. Thought she was bleeding out or something. I’m sorry about those guys, boss, I didn’t know what else to do. She was kicking and screaming and they were punching her. I just pulled the trigger, I didn’t…”

“Stop it,” Negan interrupted Andrei’s ramblings, “You did the right thing. Did me a big fucking favor, too. Otherwise I would have had to drive all the way back there and fuck those fuckers up myself.” He turned back towards the door and watched with furrowed brows as Fisher set up an IV.

“Sir?” Carson piped up behind him. “Do you want me to wake up Jax?”

Negan hoped that Jax would wait with killing him until they knew if Lilly would live.

“Yeah… yeah. Go get him. Laura, too.”

He listened to Carson’s receding steps as he ran down the hallway and tried to focus on the situation in front of him again. His mind seemed to slip away whenever his gaze came to rest on the bloody figure on the bed. He vaguely registered Andrei talking about a delay at the western outpost and how he was sorry that he hadn’t been at the northern one in time to prevent this mess.

Fisher cleared his throat, trying to gain Negan’s attention. He looked up at him, hoping for the doctor’s sake that he had good news. Negan didn’t know what he would do if he got told that Lilly didn’t have long. He couldn’t take out his rage and guilt on the actual culprits and he couldn’t guarantee not to shift the blame elsewhere.

“She’s asleep now. I gave her a hefty dose of morphine.”

Negan stepped into the infirmary, his eyes back on Lilly’s now still form. Fisher had covered her with one of the coarse gray blankets they kept for newcomers who couldn’t afford better sleeping arrangements. Negan made a mental note to get her something more comfortable. Standing in front of the stretcher and with her eyes closed and her face still, he could now see the true extent of her injuries. Bruises started to bloom underneath the crusted blood. Negan felt the overwhelming urge to punch someone. Instead, he lightly grasped her hand sticking out from under the blanket.

He wanted to ask Fisher how she was doing, but the sound of thundering footsteps running up the hallway announced Jax’s arrival. He and Andrei entered the room together with Andrei recounting what he had already told Negan. Where Negan had gotten quiet and withdrawn at the sight of a bruised and battered Lilly, Jax seemed to switch into let’s-get-busy mode, after drawing in a sharp breath at the first sight of her. He couldn’t quite hide the look of horror at the sight of her injuries, though.

“Okay, so they’re dead, right? What now? Fisher, how is she?” Jax turned his attention to the doctor, conveniently ignoring the elephant in the room that was the entirety of Negan’s presence. Fisher had positioned his chair at Lilly’s head and was busy using a thread and needle on her.

“Well…” Fisher sighed. “She got beaten up pretty bad. I’m gonna put stitches on those wounds over her eye and on the back of her head. She’s got at least one broken rib and a broken nose, maybe her jaw, too. The thing is… there could be internal bleeding. Her blood pressure is okay for now, but I can’t be absolutely sure without an ultrasound. I’ll just have to monitor her for now.”

Jax looked stricken at the news and Negan knew that he probably mirrored his expression, but any further enquiries were delayed by Laura bursting into the room and subsequently into tears when she caught sight of her friend lying on the stretcher. Seth and Connor were right behind her and the room was now packed with people.

“Oh God! Lilly! What happened?”

Another round of people explaining what had happened and Negan’s mind started to wander again. She would need a blanket and pillow, water to wash off the blood, fresh clothes and then soft food. He’d have to talk meds and equipment with Fisher and then maybe organize a run to get everything Lilly needed to get better.

He became aware of the fact that he was still holding her hand, lightly stroking her fingers, when he heard the word “rape” coming from Jax and his attention was catapulted back to the here and now, feeling as if all air had left his lungs.

“What did you say?” Negan focused on Jax standing on the opposite side of the bed.

“I asked Andrei what exactly they did to her. Lil told me about the lewd comments and I’ve warned you that those assholes had it in for her.” Jax’s look was one of pure blame, before he turned to Andrei again.

“I don’t know, man. Everything happened so fast. But I didn’t catch them with their dicks out and their pants around their ankles, if that’s what you mean.”

“She only mentioned the beatings,” Fisher added, “She couldn’t tell me much, obviously, but she didn’t say anything about sexual assault. I’m reluctant to examine her without her consent. I’d recommend to wait until she gets better and then talk to her.”

Negan was a second away from giving the order to burn down the entire outpost when Lilly moaned something unintelligible, twisted her head and brushed her finger over Negan’s hand.

“Is there anything we can do for her?” Laura asked from the foot of the bed. She wasn’t crying anymore, but Seth still held her by her shoulders as if she was close to having a breakdown.

“Not really. She needs rest and observation. I’ll stay with her and you can all go back and try to get some sleep,” Fisher offered, packing away the suture tools.

“No.” Negan had finally found his voice again, despite it sounding foreign in his ears. “She hates sleeping in a room with people she doesn’t know well. I’ll stay with her. Anything happens, I’ll come get you, Fisher. The rest of you, go back to sleep.”

Laura looked like she wanted to protest, but Seth gently steered her towards the door, whispering reassuring words to her. Connor followed with Andrei and Fisher knew better than to question his leader’s orders, after his fuck-up with the Hilltop.

Only Jax didn’t move a muscle, staring intently at Negan.

“I know I fucked up. I’m man enough to admit it. But she needs us now, so do me a fucking favor and save it for when she’s better. I won’t leave, Jax, no fucking way.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you leave. Watching over her is the least you can do.”

Negan felt relieved. There was no way he would let Lilly out of his sight, but fighting with her best friend about it was something he would gratefully avoid. He let go of her hand for a moment to get a chair from the corner and positioned it right next to her bed. With a sigh, he carefully sat down. His experience with flimsy hospital chairs told him not to move too much in his seat. “Well, plant your ass in the other chair, or get back to your room, I don’t give a shit.”

Jax seemed reluctant and watched as Negan took Lilly’s hand back in his, before looking towards the door. Connor was probably waiting for him, but Negan was too tired and fresh out of fucks to give to even turn around and acknowledge him.

“I’ll try to get a couple more hours of sleep. To be honest, it’s hard to see her this way, but I’ll come back first thing in the morning to relieve you.” Negan almost scoffed and thought that Jax could try, but he was determined to not leave her side. “Listen, Negan…”

“I told you not to start fucking bitching at me tonight, Jax.”

“I wasn’t. Listen…” Jax leaned over Lilly’s sleeping form and lowered his voice. “Fisher said that we would have to wait until morning. That he can’t tell how bad she’s injured with the equipment he has and that she might have internal bleeding. You know what that means, right?” Negan nodded, not taking his eyes off her face. “Lilly and I have a pact. Made it a long time ago. That if possible, we’d try everything we can to not let the other turn. If you want to stay here, you have to promise me to do it. I know she’s tough. I know she can make it through this shit. But if something happens… You have to swear that you will end it before she comes back as one of those things.”

Negan looked up at the other man. Jax’s eyes were fearful and desperate, exactly the way Negan felt.

“I promise.”

Negan heard the door shut behind him and the Sanctuary plunged into silence again. It felt weird to know that all those people around him were sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware that the woman he cared so much for was possibly fighting for her life.

He stood up again and walked over to the counter and cabinets, opening and closing drawers until he found a scalpel with a blade that was hopefully long enough to reach the brain when stuck through the eye. His expression grim, he sat back down on the rickety old chair and carefully placed the scalpel under his seat, before taking Lilly’s hand again. The movement was a familiar one, more comforting for him than for the person lying in the hospital bed.

His other hand ran through his hair and the sigh that followed almost turned into a sob.

“I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn fucking sorry, Lil. This is just one of about a thousand different reasons why you have to wake the fuck up and get better… that you are going to have the fucking privilege of kicking my stupid ass all the way to Michigan for being the world’s biggest idiot.

“I could go look for your family while I’m there. You never told me why you never went looking for them. Though it was probably because of the distance. And the odds of finding them, and finding them alive, are pretty fucking slim. Yeah… would have been stupid to try to go there. And you’re far from fucking stupid. Unlike me.

“Listen to me fucking rambling. I do that when I’m nervous. But you already know that, don’t you? You could see through my bullshit from day fucking one. Just… just don’t let this be the last day, okay?”

He couldn’t stop looking at her face. He felt that if he stopped talking, he would break down completely, so he just kept going.

“Jax and Laura wanted to rip me a new one just now. Pretty sure they’re far from done. Maybe you can put a leash on them once you get better. Or not. I mean, I know I fucked up. I tend to do that with the women I love. And then they end up in a fucking hospital bed.”

A chuckle rose in his throat, rendered hoarse by the occasional tear spilling from his eyes.

“There you fucking go. I can finally admit my fucking feelings and you’re not even awake to hear it. See? Another reason you have to get better. I’ll tell you everything when you wake up. About the wives, too. I mean, I don’t expect everything to be fucking perfect and for us to live happily ever after or some shit. But living would be nice, for a start. And then we’ll work on the happy part.”

Negan took a shaky breath and watched Lilly’s face. Her brows were furrowed. He hoped that she didn’t feel too much pain. Lifting her hand, he brought it to his lips, brushing them over her knuckles. He closed his eyes for a moment. The whole weight of tonight’s events started to bare down on him and he felt ten years older, hungover and tired.

“I promise, I’ll try not to fuck it up this time, Lilly. I won’t make the same mistakes I made with Lucille. You’ll see. Just get better, okay?”

His eyes grew heavy and he felt himself dozing off every few minutes, waking up with a start any time Lilly moved or made a noise in her sleep. He had promised to take care of her if the worst happened, but would he have the guts to do it this time?

“You better not die on me, Lil,” he mumbled as his head sunk down on the mattress next to her thigh.

He woke up again to someone nudging his shoulder and he groggily sat up and turned around to find Jax standing next to him. Outside, the sun made a feeble attempt to rise out of the gray and rainy clouds. Fisher was up and present, too, already working on Lilly, who he could now see had her eyes slightly open. She looked weak, but alive.

Negan rubbed over the stubble on his cheeks, fighting the urge to lie back down and get back to sleep.

“Her vitals look good,” Fisher said after removing the stethoscope from his ears and the blood pressure cuff from her arms, “I’m going to give her more pain meds. It’s all we can do, really, at the moment. If some cuts and broken ribs are all she got, she just needs to rest for a couple of days. ”

“You mean aside from the emotional fucking trauma she’ll probably have from getting the shit beaten out of her?” Negan snarled.

“Shhh, hey! Calm down!” Jax said in a low voice, “We’re gonna deal with that when we have to. For now, Fisher is right. She needs rest. And you, too.” he motioned to Negan.

“I just took a fucking nap when I shouldn’t have.”

“And I bet that was really comfortable and refreshing. Come on, I told you I would take over. Looks like she’s fine for now and you won’t be of use to anyone walking around like a biter. Go get some more sleep.”

Negan didn’t want to. The thought of leaving Lilly, even with Jax and Fisher staying, filled him with dread. But Jax was right. He still had a community to run, even if all he wanted to do right now was stay with Lilly until she could be by his side again.

He reluctantly got up and told Jax to get him if there was any change in her. Jax seemed much less hostile this morning and even thanked him for watching over her.

After checking one last time with Fisher that Lilly was stable and seeing her asleep again, he made his way to Carson first. Negan gave him instructions about running the Sanctuary in his absence and placed an order for blankets, clothes and warm water with his assistant and told him to make sure the infirmary wouldn’t be swarmed with concerned Saviors come breakfast. The lieutenants, Jax and Andrei were allowed inside her room. No one else. No exceptions.

While he climbed the stairs up to the Penthouse, he heard the Sanctuary come to life below him. People making their way to the cafeteria or the showers and he shut them all out by closing the door to his room. The busy murmur downstairs, while still audible, was now drowned by the heavy rain that had set in over the course of the morning.

Convinced that he wouldn’t be able to sleep for even a minute, he still took a quick trip to the bathroom and then settled down on his bed, fully clothed and over the covers. Apparently, Lilly’s improved health had been enough to relax him a little, since it didn’t even take two minutes for him to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

When he woke up again, the light outside told him that it had to be afternoon already and a quick glance to the clock over his fireplace confirmed it. He had slept for six hours straight and he felt refreshed, grateful, anxious and furious, all at the same time. Negan tried to convince himself that if something had happened in his absence, someone would have come to get him..

He still felt nervous when he made his way back downstairs to the infirmary, stubbornly ignoring the rumbling coming from his stomach. He needed to check on Lilly first, before he could sit down in peace for a meal. Maybe he could have a late lunch in the infirmary, preferably with her awake and trying to have a bite, too.

When he turned around the corner into the hallway where the infirmary was located, he could hear low voices coming from the room. One of them was clearly Lilly’s. His heart grew three sizes. If she already felt well enough to have a conversation, then she would surely be okay, right?

Feeling much more optimistic at the thought of having lunch with a conscious and talking Lilly, Negan peered into the room. She was still lying on the stretcher, but covered in a soft and warm blanket now and wearing fresh clothes. What he could see of her face, neck and hands was clean, albeit still shockingly bruised and, in the case of her eye and lips, swollen and sporting grisly wounds. Negan grimaced at the sight of her injuries, which stood out more prominently, without the blood and grime hiding them. Jax and Laura were sitting on either side of her, listening to her talking, all three smiling slightly at whatever the topic of their conversation was.

Negan put on a grin and stepped into the infirmary. “Well, someone looks about a thousand fucking times better than last night. You nearly gave us all a collective heart attack.”

The atmosphere in the room changed immediately. Lilly, Jax and Laura turned silent and their faces fell, each of them avoiding his gaze. After a couple of awkward moments, Jax got up and cleared his throat. “We, uhm… we’re going to give you guys a minute or two. We’ll be back later with more food, Lil.” Lilly looked like she wanted to protest, but Jax turned to Laura and motioned for her to come with him. Laura followed him out of the infirmary, but not without shooting a glare at Negan that was clearly meant to try to make him drop dead.

Negan took Jax’s place at the side of her bed, still keeping his grin firmly in place and pointing a thumb behind him. “What’s up with those two? Looked like they have to pee real urgent.” His attempt at humor didn’t seem to go over well. Lilly merely regarded him out of her healthy eye, her expression rendered nearly unreadable by her injuries. “What? Did the same cat get your tongue, too? Because I just saw you talking a second ago.”

Lilly averted her eyes, her face now unmistakingly grim. “What do you want me to say, Negan?” she finally said. Her voice was thin and her speech a little slurred.

“How about you start with how you feel, work your way up to what Fisher said and end somewhere along ‘It’s good to be home’?” Negan tried to make eye contact with her again, but she kept staring out of the window. He thought that maybe she tried to come up with some witty answers to his questions, until he noticed the tears running down her cheeks. “Oh shit. Babe, are you okay? Do you need more pain meds? I can go get Fisher…”

“No, Negan. I don’t need more pain meds.”

“Well, what is it then? What do you need? I’ll get you any-fucking-thing, just say the word!”

She turned her head to look him straight in the eyes and his smile faltered at the intensity of her gaze.

“I need you to leave.”

“Wh-what?”

“I need you to go and leave me the hell alone.”

“Lilly, come on…”

“No.”

“Look, I’m sorry…”

“No! I don’t want to hear it. I begged you, Negan. I fucking begged you not to send me away. You knew Sherry and Amber planned all this. And you still sent me away.” Lilly strained to talk through the obvious pain and her tears still hadn’t stopped. Negan dropped his gaze. “No! Look at me, Negan!” He obeyed. “Look at my face! You did this. This is your fault.”

“I know. Believe me, I fucking know, Lilly.”

“I need you to leave. Now. And stay the fuck away from me.”

“Okay…,” he whispered before standing up and walking out of the room.

He wandered aimlessly through the Sanctuary. At first he felt completely numb, and then an increasing need for a bottle of Scotch.

He never heard the wrecking sobs coming from the infirmary.

  



	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking through the Valley

Just one more.

The phrase seemed to be some kind of mantra these days. 

Just one more sip.

Just one more bite.

Just one more step.

Lilly had felt like a helpless little baby ever since she got back to Sanctuary. First, people had insisted on her hydrating enough. When she had managed to drink a little water from a straw, they had turned to her eating. When she had been able to eat a whole plate of mushy potatoes and peas, they had thrown her out of bed and forced her to walk up and down the hallway, holding on to either Jax or Seth for support, with Laura cheering her on.

Fisher had made it clear that breathing and walking exercises were important for her recovery. Apparently, broken ribs could otherwise lead to pneumonia, which in turn was of course a worst-case scenario during the apocalypse. 

So she walked. And ate. And drank disgusting herbal tea. When all she wanted was to crawl into bed, lick her not-so-proverbial wounds and preferably stay there until the next winter was over. But Jax had made it clear that this was not an option and the rest of her friends had been quick to agree with him. Sadistic assholes, the whole lot of them. 

There were some upsides in the long weeks during which she tried to get back on her feet. One was her room on the lieutenant’s floor, which had been left untouched during her time at the outpost for some reason. It was a blessing that she still had a place of her own, even if it meant that she had to slowly and painfully climb all the steps up to the fifth floor whenever she dared to leave the Tower. Jax, ever the optimist, had remarked that the stairs were a great additional exercise. Lilly had nearly clocked him in the face with her thermos full of tea.

The other reason she hadn’t resorted to hiding in her room and never come out again, was that Negan had been blissfully, if not suspiciously, absent during her recovery. Carson and the lieutenants were running the Sanctuary in absentia, only asking him for his opinion or advice for very important decisions and otherwise leaving him to do what Lilly had wanted to do all along, which was hide in his room. 

Rumor had it that he was going through at least three bottles of liquor a week.

Lilly didn’t care.

At least that was what she told herself over and over again. And it’s what she told all the others that came to her with some variation of “Did you hear that Negan…”.

“I don’t care,” she said and first limped and then, after a couple of weeks, walked away.

Another mantra, adding to the first one. Somehow, the two phrases became connected more and more, as Lilly told herself “Just one more day.” over and over again, trying to delay the inevitable conversation she would have to have with Negan eventually. 

Telling herself “I don’t care.” over and over again whenever she felt a pang of concern as she got better and he got worse if Dwight’s consistent complaining could be believed.

Her idontcares nearly stopped when people started flocking to her for advice and guidance as soon as her external injuries had become unnoticeable. She was home. She was healthy. She was a lieutenant, as far as the Saviors were concerned.

Lilly didn’t mind helping to resolve points quarrels and help with schedules. But one day, Andrei sat down next to her on the rec room couch with a piece of paper and a grim face and Lilly knew that the day had come that she had to stop her mantras and climb up to the lion’s den.

“That looks awfully short.” She held out a hand to Andrei and skimmed through the latest list of supplies the Hilltop had offered as tribute.

“It’s been that way for the last three months. They say they don’t have any more to give, but Rob is sure they’re hoarding for winter.”

“If it’s been light before, surely you’ve already talked to Negan about it?”

“More or less. Carson’s said that he wants the western outpost to deal with it on their own.”

“Well, then let them do it. I mean, it’s not like Rob and the others at the western outpost are going to kill someone because of a light tribute, right?”

Andrei grimaced. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. The Hilltop’s runners have become cocky and Rob really fucking hates Gregory.”

“Can’t blame him,” Lilly mumbled while looking over the list again. 

“Can you talk to Negan? Ask him again what to do? I gotta drop this shit off at the other outposts and I won’t be back for about two weeks, but when I get back here, I really need a decision.”

Lilly sighed. There really was no use in delaying this any further. “Yeah, I’ll talk to him. In the meantime, tell Rob that the order still stands. Tell them to deal with it. And remind them all that our leader is a sucker for rules.”

“Okay. Thanks Lil. Oh and please remind Jax that we need to meet at the western outpost soon. Now that you’re back to full strength, we really gotta repair those panels before the first snow hits.”

“Mmh-hmm.” She nodded absent-mindedly while Andrei got up to leave. Barely registering his goodbyes, she kept staring into the distance and thought about the task at hand, before she stood and walked out of the cafeteria.

Standing at the base of the concrete steps that led all the way up to the Penthouse, Lilly felt the Tower looming over her like something out of a Tolkien story. She hoped that she would manage to even make it all the way up. Despite being almost fully recovered, she still got out of breath very easily. Her reluctance to face whatever was waiting for her at the top of these stairs didn’t exactly help her to regain her lost stamina.

But it was no use to fret over still-tender ribs, nor over her current relationship with the inhabitant of the Penthouse. There were things they had to deal with and so she took the first step and then another and another. Just one more floor. And then another. Just one more staircase. Her ribs hurt. “I don’t care.” Would he become angry at the sight of her? Would she? “I don’t care.” What if he was too drunk to talk? “I don’t care.” Just one more step.

A deep breath, a knock, a grunt and Lilly was inside the lion’s den. It almost smelled like one, too. She wrinkled her nose and tried to adjust to the twilight created by drawn curtains and a cold fireplace. Her first instinct was to open the windows, start a fire and then run to the huddled figure sitting at the coffee table filled with empty bottles and dirty plates, hug him and tell him that everything would be alright.

I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

She carefully crossed the room and opened one curtain to let in at least a little bit of the last light of the ending day and positioned herself behind the second, unoccupied armchair, preferring to stand so as not to accidentally sit on something gross.

The figure squinted and almost looked like it was about to hiss dramatically from the sudden onslaught to their retinas. The scene would have been funny if Lilly hadn’t been acutely aware of one of her mantras crumbling to pieces at the sight of her leader in this concerning state.

Obviously, she did care after all. He looked awful. He had lost weight and yet still looked bloated, at least from what she could see underneath the scraggly beard. His hair, which was usually slicked back, black and shiny, desperately needed a wash and a trim. He obviously didn’t bother with putting on pants anymore, but beat the cold with a ragged and dirty old blanket and copious amounts of alcohol, judging from the empty bottles littering the table and the almost empty one in his hand.

“Oh Negan…” 

He took a long, hard look at her before his face finally lit up in recognition. “Oh hey! Look who found her fucking way to my humble abode. Come here, sit down! How you been, babe? How are you?” 

Lilly slowly crept around the armchair and sat down on the armrest. His airy, cheerful manner worried her. “I’m okay. Andrei sent me, actually. He wants to know how to proceed with the Hilltop and-”

“Whoah whoah whoah! Hold the fuck on Lil! We haven’t seen each other in… actually I have no fucking clue how long it’s been. Anyway… let’s talk business later and something fun first, instead, huh? Some catching up?” His speech was slurred and he had obvious troubles focusing. Lilly warily watched his hand, gesturing wildly while holding on to the bottle. A shadow of anger had placed itself over her heart, where concern had been before. 

He didn’t even know how long he had spent up here, moping and apparently drinking himself half to death, while his people struggled to prepare the compound for winter, including dealing with mutinous communities. 

“I’m not here for fun, Negan.”

“Then why the fuck are you here, Lil?” Lilly hadn’t even noticed when his demeanor had changed. He suddenly seemed more steady in every possible way. “Why did you personally climb all the fucking way up here with still fucked-up ribs? Don’t deny it… I could hear you wheezing all the way from the last two floors. Why did you come to discuss Rob’s and Andrei’s fucking incompetence, when you could have just sent Carson to deal with it?”

Her jaw hung open for a moment. She felt so stupid. How could she underestimate him like that? Of course his brooding didn’t mean that he didn’t know what was going on at the Sanctuary anymore. He might not show his face, but he still held all the strings, including the one to her heart. He could see right through her.

“You’re right. I wanted to check on you. See how you are.” He gave her a hopeful smile. “And I wanted to ask when you want me gone?” His face fell again. She almost felt bad. But she needed to know where they stood.

“Gone? What the fuck do you mean, gone?”

“Well, I’m pretty much recovered. Just a bit sore, still, but almost good as new. So I wanted to discuss my departure with you. When do you want me back at the outpost?”

“You have got to be fucking shitting me, Lilly. The fucking outpost? You’re not going anywhere. If I knew you wouldn’t fucking castrate me, I’d never let you set one fucking toe beyond the fence ever again.”

“So what? I’m your prisoner now?” She couldn’t suppress the temper flaring up inside of her.

“No! Shit.” Negan pinched his nose and clenched his eyes shut for a moment. “Look, you can go wherever you want, of course. What I was trying to say was, I want you to stay here. This is your home-”

“Oh, that’s funny. Because I distinctly remember telling you exactly that while pleading for you not to send me away…”

“And I’m fucking sorry, okay? I told you before, Lil. I’m fucking sorry. Apologize is all I can fucking do right now until you let me prove to you that I won’t fuck up like that again. I mean, at least in that department. I can’t possibly promise you that I’ll never make any mistakes ever again. You know my insensitive ass…”

That almost made her chuckle, but her body decided to turn it into a sob at the last moment and she had to fight hard against the tears. She really wasn’t much of a crier usually, but the past months had reduced her to a tender ball of emotions. Negan leaned forward, but didn’t quite dare to touch her yet, offering her his bottle instead.

“Here, have a sip.”

“No, thank you.”

“Suit yourself,” he said, shrugged and put the bottle to his lips.

Lilly was on her knees in front of him so fast that her ribs screamed in protest. That didn’t keep her from snatching the whiskey out of his hands. His mouth still open, he frowned at her for a moment. Lilly was quick to start talking before he could protest.

“Enough, Negan. They need you back down there. And I need you, too. If I stay here, I can’t do this on my own. You know I’m not a leader. But you are. And a damn good one, when you’re not busy exiling your lieutenants, or getting drunk off your ass.” She offered him a tentative smile, but it seemed like there was only one thing that got through to him.

“You… you need me?”

She took his hands and nodded, not caring about giving so much of herself this time, nor about the tears that now spilled freely from her eyes. She didn’t know how she ended up in his lap, or when he had started crying into the crook of her neck. She certainly hadn’t planned for this when she had finally decided to face him earlier.

She didn’t know how she had managed to maneuver them both into his bed, either, but here she was, holding him still, with fear and doubts and love in her heart. She told herself that she would stay just one more minute, to make sure he’d be asleep and alright. But his bed was big and soft and warm and so was he as he held her tight and his heartbeat and his steady breath in her hair lulled her into a deep and long sleep.

Waking up was a slow process. The light spilling in from the one uncurtained window told Lilly that it was morning, but her body and mind refused to accept that. She even noticed that she was alone in bed, but it was too comfortable and she was too sleepy to worry about it. The sounds coming from Negan’s bathroom told her that he would be back soon, anyway. He had even lit the fireplace and she couldn’t help but take advantage of the warmth and size of the bed and stretch out luxuriously.

After a couple of minutes and with Lilly now fully awake, the rummaging in the bathroom stopped and the door opened. She closed her eyes and pretended to still be asleep. To be honest, now that her mind functioned properly, she felt quite nervous about being in Negan’s bed, especially after what had happened in the previous weeks and of course after last night’s confessions.

Lilly’s heart threatened to burst from her chest by the time she felt him climbing back into bed beside her. A small part of her feared that he might throw her out now that he had slept and sobered up. A much bigger part of her was surprised that the thought bothered her so much. It was probably time to finally be honest with herself, she thought as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close to him.

She turned slightly to bury her nose in his chest and the space around her filled with the smell of soap and peppermint toothpaste. As he sighed contentedly, she snuck a hand up and over his shoulders to his face.

“Did you shave?” Lilly leaned back and regarded him with a slight frown.

“Yeah.” Negan gave her a half grin and rubbed his now smooth chin. “Felt like a fucking hobo when I looked in the mirror this morning.”

“I kinda liked it. Gave you a rugged, sexy lumberjack appearance.”

“Aww, man… Why didn’t you say something?”

“What was I supposed to say?” she laughed.

“How about ‘Hey Negan, that beard is sexy as fuck and makes me want to touch myself, don’t shave it off!’”

Lilly was overwhelmed by a fit of giggles and so it took her a moment before she realized that he was stroking her hip with his thumb and looking at her in a way she couldn’t quite place. What she did realize immediately, though, was when he leaned in while simultaneously closing his eyes and she put her hand on his chest to keep him from kissing her.

“I can’t. Not yet,” she whispered, “I’m sorry, Negan, I really am. I just… I want to, I really do, but…” As much as it hurt her to reject him, she had just a couple of minutes ago decided to finally be honest with herself. She wanted to be whole. For herself and for him, too. And right now she wasn’t. Not by a long shot. The physical healing process might have been over, but the emotional wounds from her attack were far from gone.

“Hey, it’s okay. I understand.” He pulled her towards him again and whispered into her hair, softly stroking her back. “You never told me what exactly happened at the outpost. Those two fuckers… did they…”

“No.” She clutched his white t-shirt and focused on the wrinkles it created only inches from her face. “They didn’t get that far.”

“Andrei said you put up quite a fight.”

“I guess. Wasn’t much I could do besides kicking and screaming.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Lilly. Jax told me that you were having a hard time-”

“Don’t! Please… just… You already apologized last night. And it’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, not entirely. I’m still angry. Or I guess I still am. Ugh…!” Lilly groaned in frustration, let go of Negan and sat up. “That’s the reason I can’t do this…” She gestured between herself and Negan, who had laid back on his back, his arms behind his head. “At least not right now. There’s still so much I have to figure out.”

He brought one arm back down and stroked her back. “Don’t you fucking worry about that right now. I mean, we’ve waited this long, right? Couple of days more or less won’t make my fucking balls explode.” She looked at him over her shoulder and he winked at her, causing her to chuckle again. “I mean, shit… I’m just fucking happy we’re talking again. I even got you into my fucking bed somehow. Even if we didn’t break it in yet.”

“I just want things to get back to normal first. Do you think we can do that?”

“Yeah, sure. Well, at least as fucking normal as things can get with humanity being almost entirely replaced by flesh-eating fucking undead fuckers.”

“Huh, yeah. It’s weird how I keep forgetting about that with all the drama going on. Thank you, by the way. For not giving my room away.”

“You’re welcome. Listen, I don’t even know why I did all this shit. I guess there was this small voice inside my head that told me that you got too close. But that voice has been dealt with. Though do me a fucking favor and stay the fuck away from Sherry now that you’re back here, alright?”

“Trust me, I have no desire whatsoever to interact with her in any way.” She frowned slightly. It wasn’t the first time that she was wondering why Sherry was still around. After all, Negan knew that she had tried to get rid of Lilly. It was as if he could read her mind.

“Look, I know what she did was fucked up. And if I could, I’d get rid of her like that.” He snapped his fingers. “But you know how much of an emotional hard-on Dwight still has for that bitch and as much as I hate the ugly fucker, he’s a good lieutenant, and there are a lot of people at Sanctuary who like and follow him. People hate me enough for what I did to you, I can’t fucking upset Dwight, too. At least not right now. He and Sherry might just have a fucking accident some time in the distant future.” 

Negan looked into the distance, smiling darkly to himself.

“Stop it. I don’t like it when you’re all bloodthirsty.” But it seemed like Negan was barely paying attention to her.

“You’d be bloodthirsty, too, if some asshole hurt the person you love. Good thing you’re back to keep me and Lucille in check.” He grinned at her. Lilly gaped at him. Did she hear him right just now?

But before she could ask him about the L-bomb he had just dropped, Negan got up and walked to his drawer to put on a pair of jeans.

“Well, as much as I enjoy this fucking cuddling session… I really gotta clean up this shithole and then get my sexy ass downstairs. Gotta show those fuckers that daddy’s back. Unless you changed your mind and decided that my dick might help you overcome your fucking trauma after all?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her, which caused her to chuckle again.

“Overcoming trauma first, dick later. Deal?”

“Fair enough. Do me a fucking favor and find Carson. Tell him to schedule a meeting. I wanna make a round of the outposts as soon as Jax has repaired those panels.”

“Yes, Sir!” Lilly mock-saluted and made her way to the door while Negan mumbled something about “A fucking tease” behind her.

“Oh hey…” She turned around again. “I just remembered. You told me you used to be a gym teacher, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, I was thinking… I really need to get back into shape. Maybe you could coach me? Show me what to do to get my strength and stamina back?”

He stared at her with a raised eyebrow for a moment before chuckling. “You tell me we ain’t gonna fuck any time soon and now you want me to give you private lessons that involves our sweaty bodies touching each other on a regular fucking basis? What is it with you and your fucking compulsion to giving me blue balls, babe?”

“Oh shit. Yeah. Probably not a good idea. Do you think I can ask Seth? He works out a lot, right?”

“What? Fuck that! I didn’t say no. Especially since I need the fucking workout myself. Have let myself go long enough and I feel fucking disgusting. I just wanna warn you so you don’t freak out when I run around with a fucking chubby twenty-four-seven. Which I would probably do anyway from now on, even without us wrestling on a gym mat.” He grinned at her and she blushed. “Anyway, we’ll meet in the gym every morning, 9 am sharp. Talk to Fisher today and ask him what you can and can’t do. Don’t want you to break anything while doing squats. Don’t overeat at breakfast, wear something comfortable and no fucking whining!”

“Holy crap, you really are a gym teacher.”

“You fucking know it, baby. Now go find Carson.”

“Yes, Coach Negan.” 

When he came down the stairs to the cafeteria later for their meeting, the difference to last night was staggering. His leather jacket hid the weight loss, he had received a haircut and none of his demeanor betrayed the state he had been in only twenty-four hours earlier. He was all grins and swagger and confidence with Lucille on his shoulder and a wink in Lilly’s direction before he sat down at the head of the table and addressed his lieutenants. 

Lilly’s feelings had changed, too. She was still weary and she knew that it would take some time to feel fully comfortable around him again. But their night together had convinced her that he really was sorry. Something Jax agreed on when they sat together in his room after Lilly had been dismissed from the meeting.

“Told you he loves you,” Jax said with a smug grin. They had made themselves comfortable on his bed.

“Who would have thought…,” Lilly mumbled absentmindedly into her tea cup. “I still don’t know if I can do this.”

“Why not, Lil? You’ve been through so much shit lately. You deserve a bit of happiness.”

“And you think I could find that with Negan?”

“Yeah. Eventually. You’re not some naive little girl that just runs into something like this without thinking. If someone’s able to rein him in a bit and call him out on his bullshit, it’s you. And he’s showed you that he cares about you. Backpedaled on his decision of exiling you. Got rid of the wives. Sat with you all through that first night. And when you told him that you need some space he kept his distance, right?”

“Yeah, he did. Though it was not so much me asking him to keep his distance, but me telling him to fuck off.”

“Well, you always had a way with words.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For always having my back, no matter what. For helping me get back back on my feet. For ripping Negan a new asshole for what he did. Connor told me. Where is he, anyway?”

“Keeping up his self-imposed mask of masculinity at poker night. And you’re welcome. You and me until the end, right?”

“Right.” She smiled at him. “Andrei wanted me to remind you of the panels at the western outpost.”

“Yeah, probably some of the wiring that came off. Shouldn’t be too complicated. Did he say when he wants to go there?”

“He’s busy the next couple of weeks I think. But he said he wants to do it before winter.”

“I can just go there on my own. Or I could take Gavin.”

“No, wait until Andrei has the time to go with you. I don’t want you out there on your own. But do take Gavin when the time comes. Kid needs some fresh air. Keep an eye on him, though. You know how much he likes provoking people and Rob is apparently even more of an asshole than usual, what with the Hilltop falling behind on tributes. And wear your fucking helmet when you go there. I can’t believe I still have to remind you of this shit.”

“Yes, ma’am! Jeez, look who finally bounced back!”

“I realized in the last couple of days that ordering people around helps distract me. Makes me feel better somehow.”

“It’s only natural. Those assholes bound you, hurt you and tried to… you know…”

“Rape me. Let’s just say it like it is.”

“Okay. My point is, they made you feel powerless. And now you’re finally gaining some of that power back, by being a lieutenant again, telling people what to do.”

“Maybe. Just please do me a favor and tell me if I’m overdoing it, okay? I don’t want any more people to start to hate me.”

“Will do.”

* * *

 

Negan and Lilly fell back into a routine that they had almost forgotten. It was awkward at first, but with time and practice, things went back to how they used to be. The joking, flirting and touching even increased without any of them noticing. With Lilly healing by talking to Jax, Laura and even Negan about what had happened, the darkness in her heart vanished, to be replaced by contentedness. Soon enough, she felt the familiar butterflies again anytime she so much as thought about her leader. The times with him in the gym didn’t exactly help with that.

“Aaaaand twenty. Come on down.”

Lilly groaned and relaxed her arm muscles after her last pull-up, only to hang from the bar like a wet potato sack. She didn’t want to jump down. It still hurt her ribs.

“A little help here?”

Negan showed up in her periphery and stood in front of her, grinning up. “What was that?”

“Come on, you know I’m not supposed to jump. Please, Negan!” she whined through clenched teeth.

Negan chuckled and wrapped his arms around her waist. When he had secured her, she let go of the bar and put her hands on his biceps. After a couple of weeks of them working out together, he was now even more muscular than before. Negan let her slowly slide down his body until her eyes were level with his. Leaning his forehead on hers, he licked his lips. She could feel his breath on her face and by the time her feet hit the ground, they were both panting.

“So, uh… how are things coming along on the trauma front?” His voice was low as one hand came to rest on Lilly’s cheek.

“Good,” she whispered and then cleared her throat, taking a step back. “I really appreciate this, you know? Giving me time. And helping me getting my strength back.”

“Anytime babe. Just waiting for you to give me a signal. Tell me when those ribs don’t hurt anymore from any kind of impact, alright?” 

The look he gave her held a world full of promises. He turned and left Lilly standing alone in the gym, feeling her whole body flush from longing and excitement. She'd had enough. Tomorrow she'd gather all her courage and make a move on him. 

Just one more night.    
  



	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something to Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: With this chapter, we arrive in the comics. Issue 97 to be exact. I will try to keep the story as canon as possible, but I might have to change some details. I’m very grateful for your reviews and I’d love to read what you thought of this chapter.

 

**_I, I will be king_ **

**_And you, you will be queen_ **

**_Though nothing, will drive them away_ **

**_We can beat them, just for one day_ **

**_We can be heroes, just for one day_ **

* * *

 

 

Negan didn’t know when the last time was that he had felt this way. Content. Not since the world had ended. Excited, yes. Satisfied. But truly content, without any problems bothering him, without any potential conflicts haunting the back of his mind? If he thought long and hard, he could think of a time right after getting married, when he had been perfectly happy. But that had soon turned to shit, too, after he and Lucille had bought the house and their lives had been overrun with mortgages, job troubles and both their unfulfilled desire for children.

It wasn’t perfect by any means right now. There was still the threat of the undead fuckers outside. But that didn’t trouble him all that much. Those were predictable and could usually be dealt with with one swing of his trusted bat. 

There was apparently still some conflict with the Hilltop. But he had given instructions to Andrei and Jax to be passed on to Rob. They were outside right now, with Gavin and Marv, being seen off by Lilly and Connor. Rob and the others at the outpost were supposed to take one of the Hilltop’s runners hostage until they could come up with a satisfying tribute. Nothing too brutal, just a small additional fee to show them that they had to work for the Saviors’ protection. Negan actually didn’t care that much for their supplies, what with the Sanctuary’s greenhouses having yielded enough crops to be canned for the upcoming winter. But rules were rules and the rules kept them alive.

The only thing that was keeping his current situation from being perfect was the fact that his testicles were about to fall off soon. He could feel it. Spending so much time with Lilly, working out with her, having her by his side while running the Sanctuary, he couldn’t remember wanting anything, or anyone, so much in his entire life. And he didn’t have the option of emptying into one of his wives anymore. Not that he wanted to, of course. 

Lilly had made incredible progress, both physically and mentally. She had taken up her bow again and spent hours outside every day training so she could go hunting again. Not that he would let her any time soon, at least not alone. The fear of something happening to her again was still too strong.

She was back to being his second-in-command and it almost felt as if she had never left. She had even told him that her sleep had improved and she had given credit to both their workouts and their daily talks.

He had learned a lot about her in the past couple of weeks. That she loved fantasy novels and Italian food and the smell of a rainy forest and that her dad had taught her how to drive a tractor when she was twelve. He had told her about his favorite kids at his job and about his man cave at home and how he had found solace in the arms of another woman when Lucille had become too sad to sleep with him after being told that they would never have children. Lilly had frowned at that, but any other sign of disapproval had been kept to herself and for that he was eternally grateful.

But it all contributed to the ridiculous level of his sexual frustration. The touches, the laughter and the trust they shared every day had made him about ready to pop. But he had sworn to himself that he would wait for her to make the first move this time. She had to heal and she had to be absolutely sure that she wanted this. Wanted him.

“Hey, scoot your big ass over a little!”

Negan looked up to the object of his musings. He had been so deep in thoughts that he hadn’t noticed Lilly coming back inside to stand next to the rec room couch that he was, admittedly, occupying in its entirety.

“Who are you calling a big ass?” He frowned, but made room for her and spread out his arms.

“You’re right. Sorry. You don’t have an ass.”

“What?!” He clutched his chest in fake outrage. “You are really hurting my fucking feelings, baby.”

“Aww, poor Negan.” Lilly stroked his cheek and then squealed when he pretended to take a bite out of her hand.

“Just so you know, all the mass that should have gone into my ass went into my dick instead.” He could feel more than see the people around him rolling their eyes. He didn’t give a shit. All he cared about was the woman in front of him leaning into him in a fit of giggles. It made the corners of her eyes crease ever so slightly and it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

He lowered his arm to wrap it her around her, but when he grasped her shoulder he audibly and visibly winced. Lilly immediately stopped laughing and looked at him concerned. 

“What's wrong?” 

“Nothing. Just tendonitis or some shit in my wrist.”

Lilly got up and walked to one of the cupboards surrounding the seating area to get a first aid kit. She sat back down next to him, took out a bandage and proceeded to wrap it firmly around his wrist. 

“Thanks. All that fucking weight lifting. It probably doesn't help that I jack off at least twice a day.” Lilly snorted while the rest of his lieutenants rolled their eyes so far back, they looked like biters for a moment. Laura even groaned. 

“You masturbate with your left hand? Aren't you right-handed?” Lilly asked while taping off the bandage. 

“I like to spice things up. It feels more foreign with your left hand. Almost like someone else is doing it.” He winked at her and rolled his wrist around a couple of times to see if it was comfortable. 

“A true connoisseur,” Lilly chuckled and repacked the first aid kid to put it away again. 

“Did Andrei say when they're going to be back from the outpost? We still need to make that tour before the first snow hits.” Dwight tried to change the subject. 

“About three days. Jax wants to visit every outpost while they're already on the road. See if there's more to repair.” Lilly sat back against Negan’s chest with her feet propped up on the coffee table. 

“Did you make sure to tell him at least another seven times to wear his helmet?” Laura teased. Lilly’s neurosis when it came to motorcycle safety was legendary by now. 

She stuck out her tongue at her friend. “You can never be too careful.”

Negan lost track of their conversation while he played with Lilly’s hair, his knuckles brushing over the nape of her neck occasionally. He merely noticed that she was much more affectionate than usual when she laid a hand on his thigh and pressed into him more. He smiled, wishing that things could always be this way. 

The day was slow and exceptionally lazy. There wasn't much to do in terms of organization and so Negan and his lieutenants spent the morning playing ping pong, or talking, or reading. 

“And fucking game point! Babe, did you see that?” Negan grinned and walked over to where Lilly was sitting on a table next to Laura, both their feet on the bench below. “I motherfucking destroyed him.”

“Yeah, well done. I’m so proud of you.”

“Do I detect a flicker of sarcasm here?” He kneeled on the bench between her legs and pouted at her, which was apparently the cue for Laura to scoff and flee to where Seth and some others were playing cards.

“Sorry. You know I’m not a huge fan of competitive sports.”

“Well, I guess nobody’s fucking perfect. Except for me, of course.” He winked and Lilly chuckled. He happily noticed that she didn’t protest. “So what are you up to for the rest of the day?”

“Well, I thought about doing some reading or maybe a nap. But my room is so cold.”

“Remember to ask Marv to have a look at that fucking stove when he gets back.”

“Yeah, I will.” She took his hands and looked up at him, blushing ever so slightly. “I was thinking… your room has this huge fireplace and I noticed in the past that I sleep much better with you around. So, maybe I could sleep over at your place tonight? My ribs are totally fine now, by the way. Good as new.”

Negan gaped at her for a moment and gripped her hands a little harder without even noticing. “I… uhm… Yes! Yes, of fucking course.” A wave of excitement rushed through his body and straight to his groin.

Lilly smiled sweetly at him and they were both so busy looking into each other's eyes that they didn’t notice the commotion and the murmur going through the cafeteria at first.

“Andrei is back.”

Negan stood and frowned slightly. Somehow, the statement sounded wrong, somewhere deep inside of him. Andrei and the others had only just left this morning. Why were they back already? 

He felt Lilly standing up slowly beside him. Absentmindedly, he reached for Lucille. The doors opened and Andrei staggered in. He was white as a sheet, his eyes wide, his whole body shaking. He found Negan and Lilly and ran over the metal catwalk and down into the cafeteria where they met him. Lilly put a hand on Andrei’s shoulder, who took a raspy breath before looking first at her and then at Negan.

“We were attacked.”

“What do you mean, attacked?” Negan asked and then held back Lilly who had already turned to run upstairs and out the door, no doubt to get to a car.

“We saw this van driving between the western outpost and DC. With the tributes being so light lately we thought we’d stop them and take their shit.”

“You stopped some stranger’s car in the middle of fucking nowhere to steal whatever the fuck they had on them?” Negan felt the rage boiling deep inside of him, but he was busy trying to keep a level head while wrestling a panicking Lilly with one hand.

“I didn’t want this winter to be such a fucking disaster as the last one!”

“Shut the fuck up Andrei with your piss poor fucking decision making skills. Jesus fuck!”

“What happened when you stopped them? Where are the others?” Connor asked from next to Lilly. He had taken her other arm to keep her from running off.

Andrei looked as if he was close to crying. “They just opened fire at us. I couldn’t do anything…”

Connor and Lilly both jerked themselves free and were up the stairs in mere seconds, with Laura and Seth at their heels. Negan now gripped Andrei by his arm, more out of concern that he might break down than out of anger. Hauling both of them up to the catwalk and then outside, he yelled instructions to the people around him.

“Seth, get the cars! Two plus the truck. Dwight, take the radio and go ahead to the western outpost. Get Rob and ten others. Big guys. Weapons, too. Carson, same here. Don’t forget the radios. You’ve got five fucking minutes and then we’ll roll out. Go!”

The courtyard fell into a flurry of activity with cars being moved and people yelling instructions and then Negan was in a car with Lilly next to him in the passenger seat and Connor in the back. They followed Seth, Laura and Andrei who were leading the way. The truck with a small army of Saviors was behind them, all on their way to where someone had attacked four of their own, seemingly out of nowhere.

Lilly held his right hand in a vice grip, her whole body tense as if she was about to jump out of the moving car any second.

“Jax will be fine,” Connor mumbled from the back seat.

“We’ll see when we fucking get there.”

“How long?”

“About an hour.”

Lilly kept quiet, staring straight ahead with her jaw set and her fingernails boring painfully into his palm. Negan didn’t care. It distracted him from the thoughts running wild in his head. Outside, the countryside was replaced by the outskirts of Washington, where the buildings and the undead were more numerous, only to go back to small towns and empty streets in between fields. 

Soon, their silent trip came to an end in a suburban street lined with trees. The three of them jumped out of the car and met up with Seth, Laura and Andrei. Negan looked around to take in the situation. Three motorcycles were on their sides on the ground. Two biters were crouching over two figures and a third one was lying further back. Seth drew his knife to take care of the undead and Negan stepped forward to take a closer look at the bodies. The first one was large enough that he could tell that it was Marv, even with his face having been eaten. The second was Gavin, who stared unblinking towards the sky, his eyes as wide open as his ribcage. 

Negan nodded grimly to Seth who stepped towards the bodies, knife in hand. The Saviors that had come in the truck formed a circle around the motorcycles. He wanted to tell them to look out for any signs of more undead or even living, when the sound of Lilly running and crying out made him spun around.

“No! No no no no no! Jax!” She dropped to her knees beside the third person lying in a pool of their own blood and tried taking of their helmet. Negan made his way towards her, but Connor was faster and joined her on Jax’s other side, helping her freeing his head. Negan got down on one knee next to Lilly, one hand on his knife in case he had already turned. Unlike the other two, his body didn’t bear any signs of having served as lunch for the biters. His eyes were clear and moving between Lilly and Connor when they finally took off his helmet.

“I… they…” Jax’s voice was too weak and it ended in a sickening gurgle.

“Shhhh.” Lilly stroked his forehead and over his hair. “Don’t talk now. Keep your strength. We’re gonna get you out of here and back home to Fisher.” She turned her head to address Seth and Dwight. Negan hadn’t noticed him and the outpost guys arriving. “Go get a stretcher. Or a blanket. Something to transport him.” 

But Seth and Dwight merely looked at each other and then at Negan, their faces grim. Negan closed his eyes for a moment and gently put his hand on Lilly’s shoulder while she looked back down at Jax. His face was gray, almost devoid of all life. Negan saw him holding his left side, but he was already too weak to stem the blood seeping out of the wound there. Connor noticed and slipped his hand into Jax’s, tears streaming down his face. 

Jax smiled at his lover for a moment before slowly turning back to Lilly.

“Please,” he whispered.

“No,” Lilly sobbed, “No, you can do this Jax. You’ll be fine. Please! Please don’t leave me.”

“You promised.”

“No…” she wailed again, her hand still in his hair.

“Please,” his lips formed the word again, but no sound came from him anymore.

Negan took out his knife, gently grabbed Lilly’s free hand and handed it to her. Her whole body was heaving with sobs as she bent over Jax and placed a kiss on his forehead. Negan heard her whispering a soft “I love you” before her hand found his and she held onto him as if he was a lifeline. Negan squeezed and hoped he didn’t hurt her, but he didn’t know how else to be there for her right now.

Lilly placed the knife over one of Jax’s now closed eyes. Connor turned his face away. A cry, a squelch and the knife fell to the ground.

Lilly’s shoulders were shaking and she cried out like a wounded animal. She seemed to be in so much pain that it hurt Negan, too. She spun around and he caught her in his arms, holding her tight and stroking her back, letting her sob into the red scarf she had given him almost a year ago.

Seth and Laura both held Connor and Negan saw that all of his Saviors looked stricken, if they weren’t crying openly.

He looked around for Andrei, who seemed close to fainting.

“Tell me what the fuck happened here,” Negan demanded, still trying to keep Lilly from falling apart.

“Like I said, boss, we were on our way to the outpost and saw them coming from a distance and decided to have a look. Jax didn’t want to at first, but Gavin and Marv were all for it. God, I’m so sorry. Please, Lilly, I didn’t-”

“You stop your fucking blubbering right now!” Negan didn’t want to raise his voice too much with Lilly still clutching at his shirt, crying into his chest. But he was quickly losing his patience with his scout. Andrei took a couple of steadying breaths before he continued.

“Right. Okay. Sorry, I mean, right… We stopped their van and told them to give us their stuff and they, uhm… oh yeah, they mentioned something about the Hilltop? How they were going to protect the Hilltop from now on?”

“If they had the fucking firepower to do this, they ain’t from the fucking Hilltop.”

“That’s what I told them. And then they just opened fire. Shot Gavin and Marv right through the head. And Jax, well… he was wearing his helmet, so I guess they aimed for the stomach.”

“Why the fuck did they leave you alive?”

“To give you a message. That they would protect the Hilltop from now on. That we won’t get anything from them anymore. And that they offer us the same deal… their protection in exchange for half of our supplies.”

Negan couldn’t help but laugh at that. He felt like the whole world had gone mad. Again.

“And who, pray tell, were these fucking fuckers who so graciously offered to save our community from the fucking undead?”

“That’s the thing, Negan, I don’t know. The guy didn’t give me his name.”

“Think real fucking hard, Andrei. Anything that could help us find these assholes. Looks, weapons, license plates, anything?”

“Okay, well there were three of them. I mean, there might have been more inside the van, but-”

“So three fuckers that shot at you. What else?”

“One guy and two women. And only one of them shot at us. The other had some kind of sword? Oh and she was black. And... oh yeah! The guy was missing a hand.”

Negan suddenly realized that Lilly had stopped crying and had become very still in his arms. She raised her head and all tears were gone from her face as she stared into the distance somewhere behind Negan, her eyes unblinking.

“Rick Grimes.”

Negan took her face into his hands and tried to meet her gaze. The name rang a bell somewhere in his subconscious. 

“Lil…?”

She blinked and then looked at him. Her eyes and nostrils were wide as if she was about to scream. Before Negan could say anything, she had jumped up. She leaned over Seth, took the keys that were dangling from his jeans pocket and broke into a run towards the cars.

Negan scrambled to his feet as fast as he could and went after her. Lilly had just torn open the car door when he caught up with her and slammed it back shut. He wrangled the keys from her and threw them to the nearest Savior. She turned around and tried to duck away, but he grasped her shoulders and sent her back crashing into the car. She didn’t even wince, but started to struggle against his grip.

“Let me go!”

“No.”

“LET ME GO NEGAN! He killed them! They killed them all! I’m gonna kill them! I’m gonna…”

All her fighting stopped and she would have sank to the ground if Negan hadn’t caught her in his arms. She sobbed and coughed and trembled in his arms for what felt like hours. He merely held her again until she calmed down and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Where are they, Lilly?”

“Alexandria. I can show you.”

“Dwight? Go get us a fucking map!”

Negan gently untangled himself from Lilly and took her face between his hands again. She looked up at him with red eyes and tears and snot running down her nose, but she didn’t seem to care and neither did he.

“Baby, I know you want to tear their fucking walls down right fucking now and kill every single one of those motherfuckers. But I can’t let you do that. You understand that, right?”

She sniffed and nodded. Another tear ran down her cheek. He caught it with his thumb and smiled down at her.

“That’s my girl. I promise that we’ll make them fucking pay for what they’ve done. But we need to be fucking smart about it. You told me that they’re big and that this Rick fucker ain’t like Gregory or Ezekiel. So I need you to tell me everything. Everything you know, about their community, their defenses, their habits. Who needs to go first? Who is dangerous? Who do I need to kill to fucking break them.”

She frowned slightly at that and Negan could almost see the gears turning in her head.

“You won’t wipe them out,” she whispered. It wasn’t a question so much as a statement. He hoped that she knew him well enough by now to understand.

“No.” 

“And you won’t kill Rick.”

“No, Lilly.”

“Because you want to make him suffer?”

“That, too. I’m gonna take something from him. To show him who he fucked with. But if they’re as capable as you told me… then we can use that to our advantage. They’re too big to attack, right? I know it’s fucking hard for you to think clearly right now, but please try. Think about it, Lil.”

She stared at the zipper of his leather jacket for a while before she shook her head slightly as if to let go of something. Then she closed her eyes tightly for a moment and cleared her throat.

“They have walls. Huge metal walls, reinforced with steel beams. They can be manned in all directions. You can’t tear them down with a car. The only way in or out is through the gate. It’s guarded at all times. They have water and electricity and weapons and probably more than enough supplies. There’s no way to lay siege to them.”

Dwight stepped forward at that, a map in his hand. Seth, Laura and Connor joined them, the latter still looking shaken, but all of them determined.

“What about the surroundings? Are there any places where we could watch them?” Dwight asked.

“It’s a suburban place. The gate opens to some shops, a school and there’s a tower from where you can overlook the area. But they were constantly expanding. I don’t think they would relocate the gate, but I can’t say for sure how the community layout is right now. Let me see that map.”

They opened the map over the hood of the car and positioned themselves around it with Lilly in the middle. It was of an area south of DC. Negan vaguely remembered wondering why they had never sent scavenging teams there, but now he realized that Lilly had wanted to keep the Saviors away from Alexandria. 

“Here. Someone give me a pen.” She pointed at a cluster of houses in the western part of the town. Seth handed her a pen and she circled it. “The gate is here. And there’s the school,” she marked it with an S, “with lots of hiding spots. The tower is across from it.”

“I’m gonna take a team there. Watch them, maybe scare them a bit.” Dwight’s grin was made even nastier by the scar stretching over the left side of his face. “Seth, you in?”

“Fuck yeah! They’re gonna rue the day they decided to fuck with us. Anyone we need to look out for, Lil?”

Lilly bit her lip in concentration. “There’s one guy. Ginger, huge, former military. Be careful around him.”

“Alright, let’s make one thing perfectly fucking clear. You just go there to watch those fuckers and then report back to the Sanctuary. I know you’re all fucking bloodthirsty after this shitshow here, but let’s just pretend for one fucking second that we’re reasonable fucking human beings and not rabid fucking dogs and calm. the fuck. down.”

“They killed Jax, Negan. And Marv. And Gavin.”

“And they will kill more of us if we don’t go about this at least a little fucking levelheaded. I’m not gonna lose any more people to these psychos if I can fucking help it.”

“Lilly, what do you say about all this?” Seth turned to Lilly, who wrapped her arms around herself and frowned. Fresh tears ran down her cheeks. Negan was sure that it would take some time until she would stop crying.

“Negan is right. Rick WILL fight back. And as much as I want to see his head on a pike, his people would stop at nothing to avenge him. He’s a tough bastard. He once ripped out a guy’s throat with his bare teeth for threatening his son.”

“He’s got a kid? Interesting…” Negan mused.

“Yeah, but you won’t touch him!”

“Of course not. What the fuck do you take me for, some fucking monster?”

“Okay, okay,” Seth intervened before tempers could flare too high. They were all on edge and ready to fight, no matter with whom. “What about you, Connor?”

“Jax wouldn’t have wanted us to start a massacre. And I want those bastards to suffer for what they’ve done to him. Can’t possibly do that if they’re dead, now can you?”

“So you want us to spy on them and then what?” Dwight still seemed unconvinced.

“And then tell us when they leave their compound again. I’m gonna make that prick my personal bitch, but we need to make an example out of one of them. Show them who’s the King Dick Motherfucker around here.”

“I’ll think of someone. Someone whose death will make an impact. Someone worthy of Lucille.” Lilly’s eyes were full of steel when they found Negan’s.

“And we’ll come up with a plan while you do that.” Laura put an arm around Lilly’s shoulders and squeezed her friend tightly. “They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

The Saviors got busy loading up the bikes and bodies and splitting up into teams. Lilly and Negan watched together as Dwight and Seth said their goodbyes and departed for Alexandria with their men. He grabbed her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. 

“I know you’re fucking broken right now. I just want you to know that I’m here. And I’m not gonna go anywhere. We’re gonna fucking fuck these fuckers up. Together.”

“I’m not broken.” She turned to him and wrapped her arm around his waist. “But you have to promise me that you’re gonna throw Rick into the mud and keep him there. He can’t get up ever again, or we won’t survive this.”

“I fucking promise, Lilly.”

He held her and kissed the top of her head, hoping that she wouldn’t notice his heart racing as if it wanted to jump out of his chest. This wasn’t the time to show any weaknesses. 

Not when he was about to face Rick motherfucking Grimes.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depressed Cannibalistic Dolphins

Seventy-eight hours and twenty-six minutes. That was how long the world had been without Jax.

Seventy-one hours and fourteen minutes. That was how long Jax had been lying in the cold, damp earth behind Sanctuary’s greenhouses. The Saviors usually burned their dead. But Negan had ordered to bury the three bodies on the edge of the forest that marked the border to the factory’s vast grounds.

Lilly supposed that she should be grateful for having a place to go to. To remember him. If she could ever conjure up the strength to visit his grave. 

Thirty hours and forty-three minutes. That was how long Lilly hadn’t left her room. The first day after the attack had been a flurry of activity. Dwight had prepared a team to leave for Alexandria. Meetings had been held. Lilly had told Negan and her fellow lieutenants everything she knew about the enemy group, from the locations of pantry and armory, to guard duty and scavenging schedules.

After everything had been said, she had excused herself to her room and hadn’t come out since.

Fourteen hours. That was how long Lilly had been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was a crack up there, shaped like a dolphin’s head. She remembered that she had scheduled one of those swim-with-dolphins experiences in Florida before the world had gone to shit. She had been looking forward to the vacation. Just some time to herself, sitting by the pool, a ridiculously decorated drink in her hand. Jax had told her about the dolphins. You paid to swim with them for an hour and half of the money went to a marine biology research facility. Having fun while saving the world a little bit? Jax had known that this was right up Lilly’s alley.

Lilly slowly blinked back tears, the tiny movement being almost too exhausting for her. Despite not being able to have that vacation, what with the dead walking the earth and all that, she had been so grateful to Jax for suggesting it. She couldn’t remember thanking him. He always knew exactly what to say to her and how to cheer her up. How to make a good thing even better. And now she could never thank him for it.

The dolphins were probably long dead by now, trapped in their enclosure with no one to care for them. They may have resorted to eating each other at first. Lilly had read somewhere that dolphins were fucked up like that.

A knock on the door made her drop the thoughts about cannibalistic dolphins. The force and rhythm of said knock told her exactly who was on the other side. Lilly didn’t move a muscle, hoping he would go away. Of course, leaving someone else be was a concept the intruder had never quite grasped.

“Get the fuck up.”

Lilly turned her head a fraction, feeling like she had to move a mountain to do so.

“I said get the fuck up, Lilly. Now!”

She smiled at him. She didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t like she was going to obey his orders. 

“You get your ass out of that bed right fucking now, Lil! Don’t make me climb in there with you.” He waited for a moment to gauge her reaction to his attempt at flirting. When none came, he tried a different approach. “Jax wouldn’t have wanted for you to waste away like that.”

Laughter bubbled up in her belly and burst forth, shaking her entire body and the bed. 

“Really? You’re going the ‘Jax wouldn’t have wanted this’ route?”

“Yep. And you know I’m right.”

“I know he’s dead, Negan. He’s dead. He’s not here anymore and he never will be again.” She turned her gaze back towards the ceiling.

“And now what? You gonna join him? Lying here, without food or water until you’re fucking gone?”

“Maybe…”

“For fucking fuck’s sake, Lilly!” He wiped a hand over his face in frustration and turned away from her, looking anywhere but at the bed.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to,” Lilly said in almost a whisper.

“The fuck is that shit?” He pointed Lucille at the mess on her coffee table. An assortment of maps and papers with lists on them was littering the table, chairs and the floor around it. They didn’t quite cover the duffel bag full of clothes, nor the rifle sticking out of it. “You wanna tell me what exactly it is that you’re planning here?”

When she didn’t answer, instead turning her head away from him, he finally sat down next to her on the bed. He sighed, trying to remain calm.

“Lilly, we talked about this. You agreed that we have to be smart about it. That we can’t just storm in there guns fucking blazing.”

“So instead we’re sitting on our asses, waiting for Dwight, who is a fucking moron and who is going to get people killed.” She turned to him again.  “And I never agreed to you doing this alone, Negan. You ordered me to wait here for you while you go out there, dealing out MY revenge…”

“This isn’t just your revenge. This is about showing this Rick prick who’s fucking boss. This is about teaching them a fucking lesson, that they can’t just take what’s ours.”

“And I want to be there when you do it. I want to look Rick in the eyes when you take someone from him, like he took someone from me.” She sat up, angry about the tears streaming down her face. She had thought that they were all dried up by now.

“Lilly, there are people out there slaughtering Saviors. I won’t risk you getting hurt again. And I need you to stay here and take care of the Sanctuary and its people while I’m gone. I can’t do this without you.”

“Bullshit, Negan. You were doing just fine before I got here.”

“Oh, did I? Collecting women and communities, bleeding them dry instead of working towards our own fucking sustainability. And look where it fucking got us.” Negan buried his face in his hands and Lilly felt some of the red-hot rage that had filled her since Jax’s death dissolve. He looked scared. She still couldn’t bring herself to comfort him, though. “I know you’re fucking angry. About everything, including me. And it’s alright. I can fucking take it. I’ll be your personal fucking punching bag, if you want. But afterwards, you have to pull yourself the fuck together, Lil. I can’t do this without you. And I sure as fucking fuck won’t fucking lose you.

“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Am I showing them that my dick is the fucking biggest and hardest and most persistent? Or am I pouring fucking gasoline into that goddamn fucking dumpster fire and starting a fucking war? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know, Lilly. I just know that I can’t let them get away with it and it has nothing to do with you, or Jax, or Gavin and Marv, or the fact that those assholes threw you out back then. Hell, I’m gonna fucking thank them for that.

“No, this is about them fucking crossing me. Crossing us. They wanted to fuck with us and now they’re gonna take our fucking dicks right up their fucking asses, without so much as spit for lube. I fucking promise you that.”

Lilly stared at him for a while, her eyes wide.

“I kinda forgot everything you said prior to your riveting anal sex analogy.”

“Heh… analogy.”

They looked at each other and, a moment or two later, both broke down laughing until they had tears in their eyes and no more air in their lungs.

When they had calmed down, they were lying next to each other on their backs. Negan’s hand found Lilly’s and they stayed like this for a couple of minutes, without any of them talking or even moving, until Negan finally broke the silence.

“That crack up there looks like a fucking dolphin’s head.” 

Lilly giggled uncontrollably before turning to lie on her side, her head resting on Negan’s chest. 

“Don't get fucking hysterical on me now, babe.”

“I'm fine.”

“No you're not. But you will be.”

He was right. And speaking from experience of course. It hit her how profound her trust for him had become. 

Lilly sighed. She hadn’t slept properly since Jax was killed and now Negan’s steady heartbeat slowly made her eyes grow heavy. His hand stroking her back didn’t help keeping her awake.

She woke up to another knock. The nap couldn’t have been long, judging by the groggy and disoriented feeling clouding her senses. She had momentarily forgotten that someone was in the bed with her, when an annoyed voice snapped her awake.

“What?”

“Sir, it’s Dwight and Seth. They’re back,” came Carson’s voice from the other side of the door.

“Of fucking course they are,” Negan mumbled to himself, before yelling back, “Give me a fucking minute!”

Lilly yawned and rolled on her back to stretch, only to be crushed by Negan draping himself all over her. She weaved her fingers through his hair and he sighed contentedly.

“I might just start fucking purring if you keep doing that.”

Lilly smiled, before something occurred to her.

“Wasn’t Dwight supposed to radio in when Rick’s group got back to Alexandria?”

“Yeah, he was.” Negan sat up and ran a hand through his hair to get it back in order. “What did that fucking idiot fuck up this time?”

Five minutes later, the lieutenants had all gathered in the meeting room.

“You did what?” Lilly glared at Dwight. She was one moment away from hurling the glass of water in front of her at his head.

“I shot the big ginger, took the fat one hostage and demanded they let us in.” The insolent little shit glared right back at her, his voice defiant and almost proud; as if he didn’t just get six people killed.

“You fucking moron, Dwight…” Lilly shook her head in disbelief.

“Hey, at least I did something while you sat around here being useless.”

The room gasped collectively. Lilly and Dwight stared at each other, hostility oozing from both of them. Lilly curled her fingers around the water glass, snarling at the man opposite from her, when another, much larger hand grabbed her wrist, applying gentle pressure.

“You fucking talk to her like that again, your fucked-up testicles are gonna be the least of your fucking problems. Understood?”

Dwight scoffed and crossed his arms, looking like a very ugly, overlarge child. Seth leaned forward. He had been quiet so far, no doubt not to catch Lilly’s and Negan’s attention. He had been there at Alexandria, too.

“I know this wasn’t what you wanted, but at least we removed one of their biggest fighters. You told us that the ginger one is dangerous, remember Lil?”

“And they killed six of our outpost guys,” Laura answered instead. “They almost shot you, too. None of them are worth you risking your life. Especially when you had orders not to engage.”

Lilly could tell that Laura was nearly more upset about the whole thing than her.

“We’re sorry, okay? We didn’t think they’d have the balls to fight back.”

“Maybe next time you listen to me when I tell you that they’re dangerous. I know them, Seth. Dwight? I know what they’re capable of.”

“Okay.” Seth gave Lilly a tentative smile. “Lesson learned. You call the shots, Lil. We’re gonna wait a couple of days, then go back there and watch them properly this time. They’re gonna be confused as fuck anyway with their friend dead.” 

“No, we need to head out. Now.” Negan squeezed Lilly’s hand one last time in reassurance before he got up and started pacing. “They know now that we’ve got the numbers. They’re gonna head straight back to those fuckers at Hilltop to ask for help and we need to pick them right up while they’re on the road. Seth, take three people back to Alexandria. When those shitheads leave their compound, send someone to the western outpost. We’ll be ready.” Dwight opened his mouth, no doubt to ask to accompany Seth. “Oh no, not you, assface. You’re gonna come with us to the outpost. When Rick leaves and we head out to meet him, you’re gonna go straight to Alexandria and lead an attack on them. Just a small fucking token of our appreciation, to show them who they really fucked with.”

Dwight looked uncomfortable, but knew better than to protest right now.

“Laura, Carson, get the cars. All of them. Andrei, take a couple of men, go to the outposts, gather some fuckers, all armed to the fucking teeth and send them to the western one. Load the truck with firearms, but don’t give them out to anyone. I don’t want Ricky pricky and his merry band of assholes to know about our firepower. Knives, bats and so on only. The guns are just a last resort and for Dwight and his team to take to the attack. Lilly, go get those dog catcher poles we use for the undead fucks from inventory. The Alexandrians behave like fucking animals, we’re just gonna treat them like fucking animals.”

The meeting room emptied and the entire Sanctuary came to life. The cars and trucks were gathered outside, people loaded food and weapons into them and many goodbyes were exchanged at the heavy steel door that led to the Tower.

After only an hour, everything was ready for Negan and his men to hit the road and the Saviors started to get into the cars.

Lilly stepped halfway behind the BUST-A-MOVE truck and motioned for Negan to follow her. Her gaze found the edge of the forest, beyond the boundaries of the Sanctuary and where she could just make out the three crude, wooden crosses.

“Do me a fucking favor and talk to the people while we’re gone. Assure them that it’s gonna be alright. I know they’ve been worried ever since the Alexandrians mowed down our boys.”

Lilly nodded absentmindedly, still staring at the line of trees. She realized that she would have to pass the graves every time she would go out to go hunting. A sense of determination washed over her. She would finally go and visit Jax today. And there was another thing she would not postpone any further.

“Hey…” Negan grasped her shoulder. “You can do this, right? You’re not still fucking mad at me for not taking you along?”

“No.” She turned to face him. “No, I’m not mad at you. I just realized something.”

“And what’s that?”

“I…” She looked back at the graves. They seemed to give her courage. “I’ve known Jax for so long. And we’ve spent so much time together. And yet, now that he’s gone… I still feel like it wasn’t enough. Like there’s still so much I should have told him. So much time we should have spent together. And now I’ll never get the chance again. And I regret that. I regret that so much, Negan.” 

Her eyes found his. He bore a peculiar expression that she could not quite read. Lilly hoped that he wouldn’t interrupt her. She had finally given herself the mental kick to say all these things out loud and the tears threatening to spill from her eyes were making things harder by the second. Lilly needed something to hold on to for support and raised her hands to grip the red scarf she had given him a lifetime ago.

“And I don’t want to feel like that again. This world we live in… even without assholes like Rick Grimes, it could be over any day. And I don’t want to look back and regret all the things I haven’t done. Not with Laura. Not with Seth. And especially not with you.”

The smile he gave her was lopsided. There was a spark in his eyes when he gently grasped her hips and pulled her close to him.

“Okay. No more fucking regrets. We’ll start to work on that as soon as I’m back.”

“No. We’ll start now.”

And she tugged on his scarf, pulling Negan’s head down to her and brought her lips to his. 

Any fear she might have had about his reaction to her boldness was relieved immediately by the way his arms wrapped around her and by the urgency with which he responded to her kiss. His mouth pressed almost painfully against hers. His breath, like hers, was fast as she ran her hands over his jaw and into his hair. After only a few short moments, his lips softened and he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. He licked his lips and cleared his throat. The grin on his face belied the slightly accusatory tone in his voice.

“Really? Now? Fucking hell, Lil. You’ve got the world’s worst fucking timing.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I needed to do this before you-”

His lips crashed down on hers again. He mumbled a soft “Shut up” and when she chuckled in response, he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. The quality of the kiss changed from happy and desperate to needy and sensual. One of his hands buried itself into her hair, while the other pulled her even closer. Lilly pressed herself firmly against him, while they licked and nipped and kissed and by the time they broke apart again, they were both panting. The cars and trucks around them had since come to life and the air was filled with the sound of idling motors and the smell of gasoline.

“Shit. I gotta go,” Negan said, his voice hoarse, while planting soft kisses to the side of her mouth. He looked into her eyes and Lilly’s heart skipped a beat. “I promise, I'll be real fucking quick.”

“Don't be quick. Be safe.”

“Are you already giving instructions for our first time fucking? Because it sure fucking sounds like it.”

The laugh they shared released some of the tension that had built up between them. Negan placed a lingering kiss to Lilly’s neck and her knees went weak. 

“Come back to me.”

“Heh… you just made damn fucking sure that no one, not Rick fucking Grimes, not a fucking army of the undead, could keep me from coming home.”

She kissed him one last time, reluctant to let him go. But Lilly knew that this was necessary so they could all get at least some kind of closure and start a new chapter. 

Negan zipped up his leather jacket, put on his gloves and his signature cocky grin, almost as if he was putting on some kind of armor, or mask. He winked at her before he walked to one of the trucks and hopped in. No lengthy, sappy goodbyes. Only confidence and the memory of his promise that he would be home soon that they both held on to. 

Lilly still couldn't stop the cold tendrils of fear that wrapped themselves around her spine as she watched the convoy leave through the gates of Sanctuary. 

She nodded to Carson, buried her hands in her jeans pockets and started walking. The crisp, cool air filled her lungs, chasing away at least some of her worries. When she arrived at her destination, she sat down cross-legged on a large rock in front of one of the crosses. Lilly smiled. 

“Hi Jax. I’m sorry I haven’t come here earlier.  But hey… guess what happened…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last update for this year. I promise to start the new one with a bang (eheheheh…). Thank you all for your continuing support over the last almost 20 chapters. Please review if you liked my fic so far and if you don’t like it… leave me a review anyway. Happy holidays to everyone. I hope the new year will be kind to you all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One hundred and half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. Chapter 20. I didn't plan any of this when I first mapped out this story. This is much darker than intended, at least in the beginning. It has a bit of everything. Angst, smut, fluff, hopefully some humor. It's an important part of both the comic story and my story and I hope I did it justice. As always, please tell me what you think.

_“We pissing our pants yet?”_

“Did you see that asshole’s eye just pop out? Fucking gross, man!” Andrei and Seth were cheering and laughing as the truck sped back towards the Sanctuary. Their crude jokes and vivid recap of tonight’s events were their way of releasing all the tension that had built up over the last few days. Seth had asked his leader if he was alright three or four times already. Negan’s silence was unsettling to them.

_“It’s going to be pee pee pants city here real soon.”_

Negan’s eyes roamed curiously over Lucille. Bright red blood dripped from her frame. Pink tissue and strands of black hair clung to her barbed wire. She would have to be cleaned soon. He realized that the usual distinct smell of rotting flesh was absent, as he slowly turned her this way and that. She had been his most important prop in this great staging tonight. Negan smiled to himself. His real Lucille would have ripped him a new asshole for his performance. She hated any form of drama.

_“Which one of you pricks is the leader?”_

It had been a rhetorical question. Negan had known exactly who each of the seven people on their knees in front of him were. Lilly had given him and his lieutenants descriptions of every inhabitant of Alexandria.

Lilly…

_“You’re going to so regret crossing me in a few minutes. Fuck yes, you will.”_

She had been suspiciously absent from his thoughts tonight. Negan had given the shivering and sobbing people no indication that they had killed one of their former friends.

_“Give me your shit, or I will kill you.”_

Why had he not told them about Jax? About Lilly waiting at home. About her telling him who could die tonight (“No kids. Not the black guy with the dreads; Heath used to be my friend. Not Rick.”).

_“For that… you gotta fucking pay.”_

Negan’s brows furrowed and he gripped Lucille even harder. Seth glanced worriedly at him, but kept his mouth blessedly shut for once.

He didn’t want anyone, not the Alexandrians, not his men, not even himself, to think that he was doing this for Lilly.

_“Well, that’s just precious, my little heart is breaking.”_

The jokes, the never-ending speech, the droning on about how he wanted them to work for him. It had all been to hide two things. One was his rage over those people hurting the woman he loved. Hurting her so much that the spark in her eye had all but disappeared and her posture and speech and facial expressions had become those of someone haunted.

The second reason was that he had been terrified. Negan had always been honest with himself, if not towards others. He knew what had happened to him last time he had killed someone. How he had snapped.  

_“I’ll slide my dick down your throat and make you thank me for it.”_

Where he had all but freaked out last time, now he was strangely calm. Maybe it was true what they said… that killing becomes easier the more you do it. He almost chuckled at that. His shaking hands, concealed by the vice grip he had on Lucille, told a very different story.

_“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe…”_

He raised his head to look outside the front window. The trees and houses illuminated by the headlights seemed familiar.

_“Catch a tiger by the toe…”_

They had to be close to home now. He wondered if Rick and his merry band of assholes were already back at Alexandria.

_“If he hollers, let him go…”_

Maybe they were still sitting around their friend’s mutilated body, sobbing and shaking…

_“My mother told me to pick…”_

Negan hoped they had moved on by now. He didn’t want those children to sit on the cold, damp ground for too long.

_“...the very best one and you...”_

Rick’s stoicism and resolve had impressed him. Of course, he was still a stupid fucker who got his people killed, but Negan respected the other man’s toughness. It had still been there, even after turning his friend’s head to mush.

_“...are…”_

Negan clenched his eyes shut. The image of that Asian guy’s brain matter spattered all over the pavement and the cries and sobs and howls had been on the back of his mind, fighting to come to the surface, ever since they had started their journey home. Negan tried to suppress it with everything he had. But it was hard to suppress anything right now, what with the adrenaline still coursing almost painfully through his veins.

_“...it.”_

“We’re here.”

Seth maneuvered the truck around the blockades and through the gate into the dark and empty yard. It had to be a couple of hours before sunrise and the Sanctuary seemed silent and almost peaceful after all the cars and trucks had been turned off.

_“Anyone moves at all…”_

The metal gate opened and for a moment Negan hoped to see a tall, slim figure with a ponytail appear.

_“You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry…”_

“Good morning, Sir.” Carson nervously adjusted his glasses. “Everything has been quiet here. Lilly is waiting for you in the Penthouse. She asked me to meet you upon your arrival. I believe everything went as intended? Would you like me to schedule a meeting with the lieutenants after lunchtime? I’m sure you must be tired.”

_“Holy shit-- He’s taking it like a champ!”_

“Morning Carson.” Negan plastered a grin to his face and hoped it didn’t look too strained. “It was fucking epic. You should have seen it. That guy’s skull burst like a fucking balloon. Pow!” He gestured in front of Carson’s face, demonstrating the way the man’s eye had popped out. Carson looked like his dinner was about to make an appearance. His Saviors moving around the yard laughed and hollered.

_“You bunch of pussies…”_

“Shhhh! Shut the fuck up, guys! We can all celebrate later.” Negan glanced at Seth, who immediately went to work ushering the men inside as quietly as possible, before turning back to Carson.  

_“Lucille is thirsty!”_

“Do me a fucking favor and clean Lucille for me.” He held his bat out to Carson. He took her with a look of utmost disgust and Negan couldn’t help but grin genuinely this time.

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”_

“You said Lilly is waiting in the Penthouse for me?” Negan raised his head to stretch his overused neck and shoulder muscles and to look towards the top of the Tower.

“Well, she’s probably asleep now, but she told me to make sure you’re up to date and to ask you if you need anything before turning in.”

A bottle of scotch and a psychiatrist…

“No Carson, thank you. Just take care of Lucille and bring her to me in the morning. Go get some fucking sleep yourself.” He was still staring upwards to where, apparently, Lilly was waiting for him.

_“It’s time for something new.”_

“Thank you, Sir. And good night!”

“Night, Carson.” He watched Carson and the last of his men disappear into the Sanctuary. When he was finally alone, with only the cars around him as witnesses, his knees buckled and Negan bent forward, his hands gripping his own knees to prevent himself from crashing to the ground. He closed his eyes and sucked big gulps of air into his lungs. Concentrating on the icy feeling in his chest, he forced his breathing and heart rate to slow down as best as he could, until the overwhelming urge to vomit finally passed.

He spat on the ground and cleared his throat as quietly as possible before straightening his back. It was over. No need to dwell on it. Lilly was waiting for him upstairs. At least he hoped that she would still be there. Preferably asleep. She always had such a hard time sleeping. He probably had to creepily watch her. There was no way he’d be able to calm down enough to sleep himself.

He finally remembered the kiss they had shared before he had left. It felt like a lifetime ago. Had that been just the spur of the moment? A brief moment of passion, fueled by fear?

_“Welcome to a brand new beginning you sorry fucks!”_

His feet had automatically taken him all the way upstairs while he had been lost in thoughts. He wasn’t even bothered by the fact that he had to walk to his room in the dark. In fact, he preferred it that way right now. Light seemed wrong after what had happened tonight.

Negan looked around the Penthouse, illuminated by the moonlight shining through the large windows. No Lilly. A different, warmer light spilled from his room. He tried not to make a sound as he walked towards his open door and peered inside.

She had lit a fire, now reduced to ash and embers. Their red-hot glow was enough to make out her silhouette curled up in one of his armchairs. He took a couple more steps around the bed until he could see her more clearly. The way she was half-sitting, half-lying on the chair looked extremely uncomfortable. Maybe that was the reason why she was scowling. He couldn’t help but smile and the resulting sigh, as soft as it had been, was enough to wake her up. He had never known anyone with such a light sleep.

Her eyes snapped open and she looked up at him. The scowl never left her face as she unfolded herself from the armchair and stood in front of him, her eyes scanning seemingly every inch of his body, no doubt checking for injuries.

She stopped at his chest, the crease between her eyes deepening even further.

“Blood…” she whispered, her sleepy and hoarse voice belying her alert state. Her hand had the slightest of tremors as it came up to lie across his heart.

Negan glanced down at his leather jacket. He could just make out a row of shiny spots across his torso. Lilly’s ghostly pale hand made the most dramatically monochrome effect in contrast with his inky black jacket.

Why was he wondering about colors and shadows?

_“Ta ta.”_

He raised his eyes and found her staring. She looked scared. Concerned. A sense of calm washed over him.

Yes, he had done this for her.

And here she was. Waiting for him to come home. She had listened to him and had stayed instead of rushing head-first into revenge and danger.

She had trusted him.

He smiled at her. Her eyes still flickered from the blood stains to his face and back.

“Not mine.”

He didn’t know who initiated the kiss this time. All he knew was that Lilly’s lips were the softest thing he had ever touched. It had been years since he had last kissed anyone. The last time had been with Lucille and he had refused to share this kind of intimacy with anyone since then. To grow so close to anyone. But now he couldn’t get enough, like he needed to breathe and drink her in.

He kissed her hard at first, the stress and anxiety and guilt of tonight being too much for him to be gentle with her. But when she parted her lips and greeted his tongue with her own, all the tension seemed to melt right off of him until there was only him and Lilly. Their kiss softened. They took their time to explore each other’s mouth. A particularly deep stroke of Lilly’s tongue caused him to moan involuntarily and she broke the kiss to look up at him, grinning.

There it was. That spark he had missed so much. The realization that he was the reason for it made him giddy and he released a short laugh, before he dove back down and caught her lower lip between his teeth.

Negan wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. A soft gasp let him know that she felt what she was doing to him. It was his time to grin now, against her lips, his eyes still closed.

He heard the zipper of his leather jacket opening before he felt Lilly pushing it over his shoulders. Thinking back to her fake seduction all this time ago when he had first met her, he was ecstatic to finally be on the true and real receiving end of her enthusiasm. She lost no time getting rid of his jacket and immediately moved on to his shirt. He chuckled again and helped her pull it over his head. God, he loved that woman. He was close to telling her, too and wondered briefly why he didn’t.

All thought about passionate declarations of his feelings were forgotten when Lilly started roaming her hands over his chest and shoulders. She brought her lips down his jaw to his neck and started sucking and biting, reducing Negan to a panting, moaning mess. It was like magic the way she instinctively knew how to touch him just right.

It occurred to him through the haze of desire that she was still fully clothed and that he had yet to start doing some touching and exploring of his own. It seemed quite unfair to Negan that he was the only half-naked person in the room. As he brought his hands under her shirt to get rid of it, he noticed his shaking hands. But this time, it was from arousal and even a little bit of nervousness. He had wanted her for so long. He almost felt a sense of gratitude as his palms touched the soft skin on her hips and waist, moving up to her ribs.

Lilly unlatched from his neck to take off her shirt and he seized the opportunity to reciprocate. Starting at her collarbone, he licked a slow trail up her neck, interspersed with gentle nips. Her hands went around his neck and into his hair and her soft moans and gasps told him that he was hitting all the right spots.

She tasted so fucking good. He didn’t know if he liked her lips and tongue, or her skin better. He kissed her deeply again, his tongue stroking in and out of her mouth in an imitation of what was hopefully to come. Both their breaths and movements got more urgent by the minute. He was fumbling with the clasp on her bra, while she opened his belt. When she moved on to his pants, Negan was still trying to open what he now thought was the stupidest fucking contraption on the planet and he let out a frustrated grunt. Lilly laughed, but took pity on him and brought her hands behind her back and then to the front, taking the unassuming black garment with her.

His hands on her hips, he took a step back to finally admire the view she presented him with. The warm glow from the fireplace gave her skin a reddish tinge. There was no shame in her eyes. She looked fierce and determined and happy and the entire picture before him made his cock twitch and his heart race.

His hands wandered up while his head went down. He caught her nipple between his lips and sucked gently, earning a whimper from her. Encouraged by her sounds and by the way she grabbed his shoulders, he used his hand for her other breast, squeezing, stroking and rolling her nipple between his thumb and index finger.

The position soon became awkward, though. While Lilly was rather tall, Negan still towered over her and hunching over her tits made his back hurt. He slowly steered her towards his bed, stepping out of his boots as they went. They kissed while he opened her jeans. When the back of her legs hit the bed frame, she immediately lay down so he could pull down her pants.

He took a moment to look down and admire her. A soft smile played around her lips. Her chest rose and fell and he could just make out a red mark blooming on her left breast from where he had sucked a little too enthusiastically. She had one hand on her belly, her thumb stroking gently over the pale white skin there. His eyes wandered further down to the patch of dark hair and the long, muscular legs. He was sure that he had never seen anything so beautiful. They had yet to say anything and Negan realized that he wouldn’t know what to say anyway, having been rendered speechless for what felt like the first time in his life. Tonight he would show, rather than tell what he thought and felt.

He snapped out of his reverie and his eyes found hers again. She looked amused, with one eyebrow lifted as if to ask him what he was waiting for. Her hand left her stomach and went up to her breast, touching herself impatiently. Apparently, he was taking too long. Negan licked his lips and grinned. She wanted fast? She could have fast. Who needs foreplay, anyway?

It didn’t even take him five seconds to remove his own pants and join her on the bed. He grabbed both her hands to keep her from touching herself further and brought them over her head, pinning them down. His mouth attacked her neck again, way less gently this time. The harder he sucked and bit her skin, the more she arched against him and the louder she moaned into his ear. He didn’t believe he could get any harder than he had already been, but tonight was apparently full of surprises. Finding her lips again, he put the entirety of his desire into the kiss. She managed to free her hands, only to wrap them around his waist and pull him harder against her, showing him exactly what she wanted from him. He was more than happy to oblige.

Breaking the kiss, he rested his forehead against hers and used his knees to part her legs. She opened them without hesitation and he positioned himself in front of her entrance, all the while looking intently into her eyes. He couldn’t find a flicker of doubt there and so he pushed slowly into her, feeling her softness and her wetness and it was almost enough to make him come then and there. He couldn’t help his eyes from falling shut, nor his jaw from clenching. She raised her hips to meet him until he was finally as deep inside of her as possible and he released the moan he had been holding.

They lay like this for a moment, trying to catch their breaths, until the urge to move became too much. He pulled back, only to push into her again and the feeling of her tight walls around his cock finally caused him to utter a strained “Fuck…”.

Lilly threw back her head and gasped. She started to move her hips. Panting, Negan buried his face into the crook of her neck. He knew he wouldn’t last long, not with her grinding against him, her pelvis rubbing over his, taking what she needed from him. He matched his movements to hers as best as he could with the haze of arousal clouding his senses. All he could do was concentrate on the feeling of finally fucking her, finally being buried deep between those long legs, causing him to whimper and moan and utter occasional “Oh God-s” and “Oh fuck-s”.

Their thrusts became faster as became Lilly’s moans. He could feel her clenching around him, feel her clutching his back, hear her panting against his neck “Oh God! Negan…” and his name leaving her throat was enough to send him over the edge right after her.

With powerful strokes and a loud groan, he emptied himself deep inside of her, holding on to her for dear life, his face buried into her hair.

Their movements slowed until they went still. For a minute they both lay there, still inside and around each other, trying to calm their respective breathing. After a while, Lilly’s hand went into his hair to gently stroke his scalp and Negan felt overwhelmed by happiness and exhaustion. He had almost nodded off when he remembered their position.

“I’m not fucking crushing you, right?”

He felt her smile against his temple before she placed a kiss there.

“Not yet.”

With a soft grunt, he rolled off of her, taking her with him so she could lie on his chest. There was no way in hell he would let go of her, preferably ever. His brain slowly went to work to process what had happened in the past few hours and the irony of it all caused him to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Lilly asked between the soft kisses she was planting along his jaw.

“This might sound a bit fucking overly dramatic. But if I had known that I had to kill a guy to finally get into your pants, I might have done this a little sooner. Just saying…”

Lilly scoffed.

“Told you I don’t like it when you’re bloodthirsty. And this will probably make you mad, but I have wanted this for a very long time. It was just my stupid issues that always got in the way.”

He grinned and kissed the top of her head. “Looks like I fucked those issues right out of you.”

“Don’t get cocky, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

“Yes ma’am!” He had to be the luckiest fucker in this whole fucked-up, post-apocalyptic world.

“How did it go tonight?”

“Jesus fuck, babe. You gotta be the fastest fucking changer of topics I’ve ever met. Talk about a romantic atmosphere.”

“You never struck me as the romantic type.”

“I’ve got my moments. It seems like you bring out all this lovey dovey shit in me.”

“Yeah, I remember. No kissing, no cuddling. I don’t know if I should feel flattered, or terrified.”

“Definitely flattered. You’re the first woman that made me do one year of foreplay.” That made her giggle, before she got serious again, absentmindedly drawing circles over his chest hair.

“Come on, I wanna know what happened.”

Negan sighed. The sex had successfully shut down any thoughts about what had transpired between the Saviors and Rick’s group and he was more than just a little reluctant to go there again. Lilly’s naked body pressing against him, her body heat enveloping him, making him sleepy and happy as he softly stroked her back was all he wanted to feel before drifting off to sleep. He did understand why she wanted a recap of tonight’s events, though.

“It went just the way we wanted. Everything was perfect to a fucking T.”

“They didn’t fight back?”

“Nope. Prick boy got up once and told me he would kill me, so I told him to give me his best shot. Other than that it was smooth fucking sailing.”

“Hmm… and how are you feeling? Where is Lucille?” She propped herself up to look at him in concern.

For a moment, Negan thought he had heard wrong. He knew she was dying to get more details. To know who he had chosen, how they had reacted. And yet here she was, making sure he was alright first. And she asked about Lucille.

“Carson is taking her of her. She was pretty fucking messed up.” So had he been, to be honest. “I’m… tired. And still horny. But mostly tired. As much as I want to keep fucking both our brains out for rest of the night, waiting at the outpost for hours, then bashing someone’s head in and then coming home and finally fucking you has been a little fucking mentally exhausting to say the least. It was bad when I got home, but I’m okay now… I think.”

“Okay, good.” She smiled at him and his heart skipped a beat. “Go get some sleep, then.” She nestled back against his chest and they lay in silence for a while. Negan had almost dozed off, but there was still stuff on his mind.

“It was the Asian kid. Baseball cap. I think he had his girlfriend, or wife or whatever with him. Hot chick. Short, dark hair.”

Lilly didn’t move, or speak and he thought that she had already fallen asleep, when-

“Glenn. His name is Glenn.”

Negan grimaced. “Yeah. Thanks for the info.”

“I’m sorry-”

“No, no, it’s okay. I mean… this is fucking normal, isn't it? I’m supposed to feel like shit for doing that.”

“Yeah, I guess. It was necessary, though. Right?”

“Yeah. Can’t let those fuckers kill our people and get away with it.” He sighed and thought for a moment, nearly completely overwhelmed by the need to sleep. “Hey listen, I… there’s something I need you to know. Especially with those maniacs knowing what’s fucking what now. I mean… we don’t exactly know how this is going to play out, right? And we agreed no more regrets and to be fucking honest with each other and all that shit and… Fuck. Look at me being all nervous and shit, rambling like a fucking fifteen year old asking for a blowie after prom-” His mouth was suddenly covered by her hand.

“I love you, too, Negan.”

He laughed against her palm and pulled her closer and she replaced her hand with her lips, kissing him lazily. She seemed just as tired as he was now and he let her cuddle up close to him, holding her and breathing in her scent as he finally drifted off to blissful sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intended this chapter to be a small interlude full of fluff and smut and then it somehow became one of the longest. I'm still not entirely sure about it, but I hope you all like it anyway.
> 
> WARNINGS for smut and fluff so cheesy, you should stay away if you're lactose intolerant.

Lilly woke up to an onslaught of confusing feelings and sensations. 

The first thing she noticed was that her cheeks and nose were threatening to fall off from the icy cold temperature in the room. The rest of her body, on the other hand, was engulfed in warmth, one that was too much to be generated on her own. There was a heaviness on her shoulder, stomach and thigh and she felt sore between her legs. 

It felt nice. Comfortable.

What did feel uncomfortable, was what was going on in her mind. A giddy happiness dominated her emotions, but there was something else. Lilly grasped onto the thought and realized that this was the first time in days that she hadn’t woken up to a feeling of grief, fear and despair. Ever since Jax had died, her first thought every day had been of him. Every morning had started with tears. A flicker of guilt made its way to the surface. One brief moment of passion and she had already forgotten about Jax?

The heaviness covering half of her naked body started to stir. A heavy sigh sounded in her ear and Lilly smiled, her eyes still closed. Skin began rubbing over skin and something even softer traveled down her neck, over her collarbone and to her breasts, kissing and licking on its way. Her hands found Negan’s hair when his mouth found her nipple.

“Good morning.”

“It really fucking is,” came the muffled reply from down south, causing her to giggle. It turned into a gasp when he lightly scraped his teeth over the sensitive bud. She could feel him grin before he took a whole mouthful of her breast and sucked and her gasp turned into a moan. A chuckle and he released her breast with a soft ‘plop’. Lilly looked down and found him meeting her gaze with the most shit-eating grin she had ever seen on him.

“Enjoying yourself down there?”

“Oh, you have no fucking idea, baby.” He kissed his way back up her chest and along her neck until he arrived at her lips, nipping lightly. “You’re like a sexy fucking human buffet and I’m about to have breakfast.”

“Bit of a bold statement, considering the current socio-political climate.”

“I feel like I haven’t done a very good job last night, if you’re still able to form such coherent and eloquent fucking words.”

“Better luck next time,” Lilly challenged him and Negan jumped at the opportunity with enthusiasm.

She was still slick from last night and he slipped inside of her easily. They took their time this morning. Last night had been urgent and needy. Today was slow and passionate, exploring each others’ bodies thoroughly with hands and lips. 

Lilly ended up on top of Negan, her palms on his chest, her head thrown back, rocking back and forth while his grip on her waist became tighter. He thrust his hips and she opened her eyes with a gasp. Negan was looking at her in wonder. A sense of love and pride washed over her, having this strong and powerful man underneath her, making him moan and squirm and pant with desire. The feeling was enough to make her explode in a sea of pleasure, riding him while he yelled profanities into the morning, until she collapsed onto him, both utterly spent.

She laid on top of him while he gently stroked her back. Lilly was so happy and yet still so sad about Jax again that she had to bite back tears. She couldn’t remember the last time she had to deal with so many emotions at once. Survival made you numb.

Her slight shiver prompted Negan to throw a blanket over them. He shifted and turned until she was on her back and he above her. His happy and relaxed look turned into one of concern.

“What’s wrong Lilly?”

“I’m fine.” Negan merely raised one eyebrow. She sighed. “I’m just a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”

“I mean… I know my dick is pretty fucking awesome, but I don’t think it ever made someone cry before.” Lilly half laughed and half sobbed and he softly ran his thumb over her cheek. “Come on, you can tell me.”

“I know. It’s just… the last couple of days have been a bit much. And I feel kinda… guilty? Like I haven’t mourned Jax enough. And then last night. I know we had to do this, but… I knew Glenn. We’ve been on scavenging runs together. And now he’s dead because I told you to kill him, basically. That’s messed up.”

“He’s not dead because you said so, he’s dead because he and his shit-for-brains leader killed our people.”

“But-”

“No. Don’t fucking do this to yourself, Lilly. Blaming yourself for deaths that weren't your fault. I’ve been down this fucking path and I won’t let you do the same. And I get that you feel guilty about Jax, but it’s not like you’re forgetting him. And I know for a fucking fact that he’s sitting on a fluffy fucking cloud somewhere right fucking now, cheering for you, with wings on his back and a cute little halo around his head.”

Lilly broke into a fit of laughter that left her gasping and with fresh, albeit happier tears. When she had calmed down, Negan took the opportunity to take her breath away once more with a long, sensual kiss.

“You know…” he muttered between kissing down her jaw and neck, “I could be fucking offended that you’re thinking about other men while in bed with me…”

“Or you could try and be mature about it…”

“That’s cute that you think I can be fucking mature about anything, let alone when fucking is involved.”

“Good point.”

They both grinned and got lost in each other’s arms again. Unfortunately, after a couple of minutes, their make-out session was interrupted by a knock on the door. Negan got up reluctantly and grabbed his pants, not bothering with a shirt. Lilly wrapped herself into the blanket, both to keep out the cold and to prevent to be seen by whoever wanted to speak to Negan.

“Good morning, Sir. I have cleaned Lucille for you.” Carson’s voice came from the anteroom. 

“Thanks Carson. Look at my girl, she’s as good as new. Everything quiet down there?”

“That’s actually why I came to see you this early. The group that went to Alexandria came back earlier. There were casualties, about eight outpost guys. And they took Dwight hostage.”

“Did they now…?” Lilly could hear the barely suppressed grin on Negan’s face when he talked.

“I’ve already prepared the meeting room. Do you want me to gather the lieutenants?”

Lilly peered out from under the blanket. Negan sighed and glanced back towards the bed wistfully before pinching his nose.

“Yeah. Okay. In fact… gather everyone in the hall. I want the Saviors to know what happened last night. We’ll be there in half an hour. Thanks Carson.”

The door closed and Negan jumped back on the bed, nearly sending Lilly ricocheting off of it.

“Who are you hiding from?” He peeled back the blanket to slip his hands under it and grasped her thigh, wrapping it around his waist.

“The cold. And Carson. We haven’t talked about being seen together in public, yet.”

“Being seen together in public? Lil, the whole Sanctuary already thinks we’ve been fucking since at least our trip to the Hilltop. And I’d fuck you on the fucking ping pong table for everyone to see if it was socially acceptable. I don’t give a fuck who knows about us.” His grin turned into a frown. “Wait, do you?”

“No. Of course not. I’m not ashamed of being with you.”

He smiled, “Good,” and lowered his lips to hers, kissing her slowly and deeply. “I want the whole fucking world to know that you’re mine.”

Lilly’s eyebrows shot up. “What was that? Getting possessive already?”

“Well yeah. I had to wait long enough to finally tap that.” He grabbed her ass and grinned at her. His face fell again when he noticed her serious expression. Lilly didn’t want to ruin the mood, but some things just had to be discussed. “Why do I have the feeling that I’m gonna get my fucking ass whooped any second now?”

Lilly untangled herself and sat up, wrapping the blanket around herself tightly and faced a very disappointed looking Negan. He seemed almost scared.

“Hey, don’t worry.” She placed her palm on his cheek for a second to reassure him. “I just think we should discuss a couple of ground rules, or expectations, when we get back from the meeting.”

“No, let’s do it now. I was hoping for another quick round of putting my wand in your chamber of secrets, but-” He had to wait a moment until Lilly stopped laughing. “But we said we’d be honest with each other and not waste any more time and yada yada, so let’s get this the fuck over with.”

Okay, well…” Lilly felt insecure all of a sudden. “ It’s just… when you say it like that… ‘I want the whole world to know you’re mine’, it reminds me a bit of the whole wives thing. And that in turn reminds me that you don’t exactly have a good track record when it comes to fidelity.”

Negan grimaced. 

“Yeah, well. We all make fucking mistakes, right? Mine just went out of hand for a while.” He took her hand. Maybe to make sure that she wouldn’t run away. “Look, I know I’ve been a huge fucking asshole. Probably still am. The truth is, I still have no fucking clue why you would even want to be with me.” Lilly opened her mouth to interrupt him, but he wouldn’t let her. “No, please let me finish. I don’t know why, but I have accepted that you do and I’m not gonna be an even bigger idiot and push you away. Because let’s be fucking honest here… that’s all the whole wives fuckery was. Not letting anyone get too close. But here you fucking are. And I’m not gonna make the same mistakes with you that I did with Lucille. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at happiness for some reason and I’m not gonna blow it.” He grinned at her. “You can blow me, though, any time you want.”

Lilly smiled, touched by Negan’s confession and his promise to do better this time. 

“Oh I will. Surprise blowjob assaults are coming your way.” Negan looked like Christmas had come early and scrambled up the bed to kiss her. Lilly responded enthusiastically before  she took his face between her hands and stared at him for a moment. “Thank you for being honest with me. And just so you know… we’ve been through so much together… I’ll kick your ass if you fuck this up.”

“You’re the only one who has full fucking ass-kicking privileges.”

“Good. I mean… there’s not much to kick, but-” Lilly couldn’t finish her thought with Negan attacking her with both his mouth and his hands again.

“I’ll never get fucking tired of kissing you.” He slipped his tongue between her lips, rewarding them both with a deep kiss. “Even with a bit of morning breath.”

Negan jumped off the bed just in time to escape a pillow flying his way. 

“You don’t exactly smell like roses and cupcakes either, Mister.”

“I know. I smell like sweat and sex. As I should.” He raised his arm and sniffed his armpit. Lilly chuckled in a mix of amusement and disgust. “Yeah. Quick fucking wash. I’ll be right back.”

Lilly watched him grab a fresh shirt and head towards the bathroom. His back muscles flexed with every step he took and she blushed thinking about how much he turned her on. If she had ever hoped that one night with him would get him out of her system, she’d be sorely disappointed by now. 

Fifteen minutes later and they had both cleaned up and dressed to head downstairs to the hall. They took much longer than they usually would, stopping here and there on the stairs to push the other against a wall and stick a tongue down their throat and by the time they had made it to the catwalk overlooking the cafeteria, both their faces were flushed. The other lieutenants were already waiting for them, some impatiently so.

Laura took one look at Lilly and her eyes widened before her face lit up in a wide grin.

“Someone looks well and thoroughly fucked this morning,” she whispered into Lilly’s ear after she had positioned herself next to her.

Lilly merely shushed her friend, a smug look on her face and turned to look at their leader.

“Alright Saviors, here’s where we stand this fine fucking morning… Last night has been a complete fucking success. Andrei and his team plucked Rick and his companions from the road like the rotten fucking apples they are. Well done Andrei.” Negan acknowledged his head scout with a nod and the people below murmured their approval. Some even applauded. Andrei looked proud of himself and deservedly so. Lilly knew that he had been riddled with guilt since Jax, Gavin and Marv had been killed. After some congratulations and pats on Andrei’s shoulders, Negan continued. “We then proceeded to put the fear of fucking Lucille into them. 

My girl and I got down and fucking dirty and took one of their own. I’m sure Seth and Andrei will be happy to give you the gory fucking details.” More whispers. Seth and Andrei grinned at each other. Lilly couldn’t help but frown slightly at their enthusiasm. “So… they got what they deserved for killing our people and now we’ve got a third fucking community to provide us with supplies. We’ll go get the first tribute in two days and I need about fifty fucking volunteers to form a back-up team. People with shooting skills only! Go talk to Seth if you want to join us on our little field trip.” Another round of enthusiastic chatter, before Negan raised his hand to silence the crowd. “Now I know that this doesn’t take away the pain of losing Jax, Marv and Gavin. All three were fine fucking men and great assets to our community. They were fucking family.” He turned his head slightly towards Lilly, giving her a half-smile. “But trust me when I say that this arrangement benefits every-fucking-one in the long run. I’ll put their asses to the curb and make them bleed over and over again for what they’ve done.” More nods. More whispers. “That’s all. Start your day. Get to work. Mourn our dead. Thank you for your time.”

The crowd dispersed and Negan and the lieutenants made their way to the meeting room.

“So what are we going to do about Dwight?” Laura piped up as soon as as they all got settled. She, Seth, Connor, Andrei and Lilly looked curiously at Negan. Lilly had a hunch what their leader would answer…

“Nothing,” he replied with a barely suppressed smirk. By the other’s reactions, Lilly thought they, too, had expected this answer from Negan. The lieutenants looked at each other meaningfully, but no one said anything. Dwight had been exceptionally insubordinate lately, not to mention the fights he tended to pick with almost everyone. “Stupid fucker got himself captured, not my fucking problem.”

“What if they use him to negotiate with us?” Seth wondered.

“Let them try. They won’t, though. Ricky pricky will do one of two things: Either number one, be really fucking stupid and kill the ugly fuck in retaliation, or number two, realize just how fucking fucked he is and set him free.”

“What if they kill him, though? We can’t let them do that. Dwight is a Savior, just like the rest of us.” Laura argued.

“Is he, though?” Lilly’s eyes found her friend’s. She knew this was an uncomfortable topic, but they had to talk about it. “Dwight has been provoking people left, right and center for some time now.”

“And why does he do that, huh?”

“I don’t know, Laura.” Lilly was genuinely confused. Had she been so detached from everyone and everything in the past couple of months that she had overlooked these things? She could sense Negan shifting in his seat next to her. “Why DOES he do that?”

“Because that one,” she pointed at Negan, “doesn’t use the wives anymore, but still has his ‘no touching’ rule in place.”

“Drop it, Laura!” came a growl from Lilly’s left.

“No, we need to talk about this. People are confused. Everyone knows you’re not touching them anymore. Hell, everyone even knows WHY you’re not touching them anymore.” She looked pointedly at Lilly. “And everyone knows you keep that ridiculous rule in place, solely to fuck with Dwight. He doesn’t even care that Sherry probably wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole, he just sees that YOU are still keeping his wife away from him. Do you think it’s a good idea to antagonize your own lieutenants in times like this, when we have to deal with a new, obviously dangerous group of people?” 

Lilly turned to look at Negan. He looked deeply uncomfortable and avoided her eyes. They would have to have another discussion about the wives, as much as Lilly wanted to steer clear of that particular topic.

“Those rules are still in place to protect those girls. They were with me and people are bound to think they’ll do the same for them now. I fucking owe it to them to make sure no one gets any stupid ideas about them, so kindly get off my fucking back, Laura. And as you said, Sherry doesn’t even want to be with Dwight. If she did, I’d let her go in an instant. It’s not my fucking problem he’s too stupid to get it. And it’s not my, or anyone else’s fucking problem if he runs head fucking first into dangerous situations and then gets himself fucking captured, or even killed. He did that to himself.”

“But-”

“Laura.” Lilly interrupted, keeping her voice gentle to diffuse the situation. “Look, I know you want to help Dwight. Of course, he’s one of us. But Negan is right. He got himself into this situation by repeatedly ignoring what we told him, including you. He got overly confident and risky. We’re lucky that they only captured him and not, let’s say Seth, too.” Lilly motioned at Laura’s boyfriend and it seemed to finally get through to her. “And we’re lucky that the only casualties this time were some outpost guys and not someone from the Sanctuary. I hope we’ll get Dwight back somehow, but we can’t risk any more lives, Laura.”

Laura was silent for a while, chewing on her lower lip. Then she sighed, leant back in her seat and nodded. Lilly smiled at her before turning back to Negan, who stared intently at her, a ghost of a smile on his lips. He addressed his lieutenants again.

“We’ll know what to do about Dwight when we go to Alexandria to get our first tribute. Which brings us to the actual fucking point of this meeting. I’m gonna need you guys to organize a backup team to come with us in three days. About forty men, all armed, with shooting experience, to hide all around their fucking compound while we are inside.”

“Three days? Didn’t you tell them we’d be there in a week?” Andrei seemed confused.

“That I fucking did. Gotta keep those fuckers on their fucking toes, if you catch my drift. That way they won’t have time to organize anything stupid.”

“And you want to go there yourself?” Connor asked. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? What if they try to start something?” 

Lilly was asking herself the same questions. The thought of Negan leaving her again, to walk right into the lion’s den, so to speak, immediately filled her with dread.

Negan didn’t seem to share everyone else’s worries. He leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head, looking utterly relaxed and amused.

“Start anything? They won’t start fuck-all. They’re all still trying to catch their breaths after I shoved my giant dick down their throats. That’s why we’re going there early. They’re still mourning their friend. Still in shock. We go there now, keep their fucking backs bent… they won’t say shit even if their fucking mouths are full of it.”

Despite being already worried sick about him, Lilly couldn’t help but admire Negan’s confidence. If he was good at anything (apart from recent discoveries of a more erotic nature), it was reading people. She trusted him if he said that they could surprise Rick and the others. That they could keep the upper hand. 

Her eyes caught Lucille, lying on the meeting room table between them. The bat looked shiny and new, with a fresh coil of barbed wire wrapped around it’s gleaming wooden frame. No trace was left of the life she and her bearer had taken last night. It gave Lilly a strange sense of confidence. That she, Negan and the other Saviors could conquer anything. It calmed the nagging feeling of unease a little. 

It came in waves, rising when she remembered that Negan would go out there to face these demons from her past and present alone, and ebbing when looking at him, touching him, remembering that he was real and strong and confident and that he would do anything to keep her and the Saviors safe.

“So forty outpost guys…” Lilly dove into organization mode to quiet the conflicting emotions, at least for a while. She made some notes on the clipboard in front of her about weapons and cars. “I suppose Seth and Connor? What about you, Andrei, you wanna go?”

“Sure thing, love. I’ll take any opportunity to fuck with those assholes.”

Lilly smiled at him, happy that they were on the same page. She hoped he could forgive himself one day for what had happened on the road. 

“Scratch Connor. I need him and Laura here to make sure people don’t go crazy while we’re gone.” Negan motioned for her notes before facing both Connor and Lilly frowning at him.

“But I can-” Lilly started.

“No, you’re coming with me to Alexandria.”

“I am?”

“You are. Any objections?”

Lilly thought about that for a moment. Was she ready to face her old community and her old leader? Those people that had taken Jax away from her. Would she be ready to go there in three days without wanting to murder them all?

She felt a slight touch and looked down to see that Negan was tracing the outside of her hand with his index finger. A pleasant tingling went through her body and pooled in her stomach. Lilly blushed. The effect he had on her was obviously not lost on Negan, judging by the grin creeping up on his face. She quickly thought of an answer before he could make a comment that would make everyone but him uncomfortable.

“Nope. I’ll come with you. That okay with you, Connor?”

“Yeah. Probably for the best. I still don’t trust myself around these fuckers.”

“Good,” Negan exclaimed. “Because I really can’t fucking wait to see the look on Rick the Prick’s face when he sees you for the first time. His dick is gonna fall right off.”

Lilly was confused. “Wait… you didn’t tell them about Jax? Or me?”

“Nope. Not yet. Had to save that for when we take half their shit for the first time.”

“And yet they still kneeled for you? They still didn’t fight back when their friend died?”

“You ever had any fucking doubts about that, babe?” He winked at her and she was momentarily stunned. “Alright, get the fuck to work. Make sure we have enough cars, gas, weapons. Tell Carson to make room for all the awesome fucking shit we’re gonna bring back from Alexandria. We’ll have another meeting the night before we leave. And keep your fucking lists in order, people! Don’t wanna be short on cars when we go on that run.”

Everyone got up and moving and Lilly made sure to close the door behind Connor before turning back to the now empty meeting room. Negan was still in the same position, sitting back in his chair, his hands behind his head, his long legs stretched out before him, looking relaxed.

“Sorry for springing this on you just now. Been meaning to tell you that I want you by my side for our first pick-up, but, you know… I was a little fucking preoccupied with fucking your brains out.”

He grinned widely at her and Lilly couldn’t help the rush of joy and arousal rising inside of her at the sight of the man she loved. She knew she shouldn’t be feeling like a giddy schoolgirl for being taken along to Alexandria. But she knew how worried he was about her. The fact that he would swallow those worries, that he wanted her there, with him, and for her to get at least a small revenge on those people, drowned out all fear about seeing them again. She felt almost light-headed as she sauntered over to where he was sitting at the head of the table.

“You think my brains are already gone? After only two times?” She swung one leg over Negan’s thighs and straddled him. He planted his feet back on the floor so she could sit in his lap, his hands immediately going for her hips. Lilly kissed him deeply, putting all her gratitude and affection into the touch of her lips and tongue. When she broke the kiss, a strangled sound came from him, like he didn’t want to let go. She smiled at him before she started planting soft pecks to his jawline and down his neck.

“Hmmm… and here I thought I was insatiable…” came the low growl from him. His breathing had become faster already. Lilly grinned against his neck. The effect she had on him was intoxicating.

“What can I say?” She bit down where his neck met his shoulder and he rewarded her with a soft moan. “Turns out I really, really like your dick. In fact…” Her hands found his belt, fumbling with the clasp and then with the buttons on his pants. “Let me show you just how much…”

Lilly freed him from the confines of his pants, happy to see and feel that he was already half hard. She pumped her hand up and down his shaft a couple of times, causing him to let his head fall back and his eyes to close in pleasure.

She slid down to kneel before him, nudging his knees to signal him to spread his legs. Negan looked down at her open mouthed, watching as she worked her right hand over his now fully hard length while the other gently started massaging his balls. When she licked a trail from his base to his head, he hissed, his hands clutching his own thighs.

“Fuck Lil, you have no idea how often I’ve blown my load thinking about this exact same scenario. You sucking my dick in this room after a meeting.” She licked him again and he gasped. “Or during a meeting.”

“Oh you too, huh? This used to be my favorite fantasy. Showing my leader my… appreciation.” A smile on her lips, she took only the tip in her mouth and sucked experimentally, all the while looking up at him to watch his reaction. The loud moan he rewarded her with sent a mix of tingling and pressure straight to her core.

“Oh God. Fuck!” Panting, he looked back down just as Lilly started taking more of him in. “And here I feared for a moment you just wanted to to thank me for taking you along to Alexandria. Knowing you rubbed one out while thinking about my dick down your throat is in-fucking-finitely better.”

She chuckled, the sound muffled with her mouth full. Having his dick all the way down her throat sounded like a brilliant idea, though, and she proceeded to do exactly that. Relaxing her jaw, she let him slide all the way in, until he was buried inside her mouth to the hilt. She could feel, more than see him throwing his head back and a loud groan filled the room. She concentrated on that sound, let it occupy her ears and her mind and her body until the urge to gag became too much and she sat back on her heels, her hand replacing her mouth again.

“Holy… fuck. Keep doing that, baby, and you’ll get a nice protein-based breakfast delivered straight to your mouth in record time.”

Lilly laughed at that, “That’s the plan, silly,” and dove back down, eager to see just how fast she could make him come with her tongue and hands.

He seemed to enjoy her giving attention to his balls, so she kept stroking and gently squeezing them while taking him into her mouth again. Bobbing her head up and down over his lap, she took him in as far as possible to then circle her tongue around the tip when she came back up.

At first she interrupted her licking and sucking from time to time to plant small kisses on his balls and along his shaft. She loved looking up, seeing his eyes either clenched shut in pleasure and concentration, or looking down at her, meeting her gaze with a slight frown on his face. She soon found a rhythm that had him grasp a bunch of her hair at the back of her head and elicited a constant stream of curses and moans from him. She decided to keep it up before her jaw started to tire.

Soon enough, his hold on her hair became even tighter and his moans turned to little whines and gasps.

“Fuck… please don’t stop. Oh God, Lilly, I’m gonna come.”

The fact that he warned her was endearing to her. Lilly hummed appreciatively and fastened her pace, sucking and licking and taking him even deeper down her throat. She could feel his balls tighten and his cock starting to pulsate inside her mouth. A loud groan, followed by the feeling of warm, salty cum hitting her tongue and Lilly had to keep herself from sliding a hand down her pants to find release herself.

She drank all of him, gently massaging him with her tongue and lips until he had spent every last drop inside of her. Negan released her hair and seemed to sag in his seat, still gasping for air with his eyes closed. He twitched when she let him slide from her mouth and opened his eyes to watch her swallow one last time before tucking him away. 

She grinned up at him, only to squeal when his hands shot up to grab her arms and pull her into his lap again. His lips were on hers immediately, his tongue demanding entry almost violently. It entered her mouth, exploring its warm and wet depths in powerful strokes, chasing his own taste on her tongue.

His arms wrapped tightly around her waist and back, holding her close to him.

“You’re fucking perfect, you know that?” He nuzzled the spot right underneath her earlobe and she shivered with pleasure.

“You’re pretty awesome yourself.” 

They sat like that for a while, wrapped around each other, sharing soft touches and gentle kisses. Lilly thought that she should probably start planning their visit to Alexandria, soon, both in terms of equipment and manpower and regarding her feelings towards her former community. She wanted to go visit Jax’s grave again, too. The thought calmed her and made her feel better about facing Rick, and especially Maggie.

The wheels turning in her head came to halt, though, when Negan grabbed her and hoisted her up on the table, deciding it was time to return the favor with enthusiasm and a wicked grin on his face between her thighs.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took me so long to write again. Real life, writer’s block, yadda yadda.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who has been supporting me and my story so far. It’s still not over and I hope the updates won’t take so long from now on. Thank you for reading and please leave a comment, whether you liked it or not ;)

_ Guess who just got back today _

_ Them wild-eyed boys that had been away _

_ Haven't changed that much to say _

_ But man, I still think them cats are crazy _

 

Lilly smirked at the song playing from the scratchy CD in the truck’s radio. The ‘Best Of Classic Rock’ jumped and skipped more and more these days, but she could still appreciate the irony of these particular lyrics, as the convoy got closer to the Alexandria Safezone.

Her fellow passenger seemed to have similar feelings. Negan was lucky that Lilly hadn’t murdered him yet for his horrible off-key singing.

“THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN! And the girls, too…” Negan added any time the chorus came along. 

Lilly grinned and Negan took her free hand in his, laying them both on his thigh. She was surprised at herself that she was able to drive the truck to their destination without landing in a ditch. Her anxiety that had been in full force since this morning. Her quiet brooding and snappy answers had been met with an understanding from her fellow lieutenants. She had made a mental note to apologize later. 

Negan had at first tried to distract her with his tongue and hands and cock and while that did seem to take off some of the edge off her fears and worries, she was soon back to being silent and bitchy.

Negan had told her that he would ignore her angry outbursts and had proceeded to interact with her as he always did and that turned out to be just what she needed.

He was nervous, too. After all, he was bringing fifteen men into Alexandria, risking their lives. “And my girl,” he had added while stroking her back and kissing the top of her head, while Lilly had her ear pressed against his naked chest, noticing just how rapidly his heart had been beating.

Right now, though, they were both sitting in the Bust-A-Move truck, with Lilly driving and Negan singing and both trying to keep their worries at bay by holding on to the other’s hand.

“I want you to stay in the truck when we’re there,” Negan finally said when Thin Lizzy stopped and The Ramones’ ‘People are Strange’ started. “Until I come get you. I want to get a feeling for them, first. See if they’re fucking cooperative.”

“And you want to present me at the best possible moment, for maximum effect,” Lilly added. She knew that his fondness for theatrics had reached new heights since they had first made contact with Rick and his group. She understood, though. Anything to make them think the Saviors and especially Negan were larger than life in this world where death ruled over almost every aspect.

“You’re damn fucking right,” Negan answered grimly, “Oh, and another thing. I don’t want them to know we’re fucking.”

“Fucking, huh?” Lilly’s couldn’t help the edge in her voice. He reached for her hand, which was fiddling with a loose thread on her jeans and squeezed her fingers.

“Come on, you know what I mean. What else am I supposed to call it?”

“I don’t know… maybe the way it is?”

“What? Fucking girlfriend and boyfriend? Do you want me to slip you a note, too? ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend? Yes. No. Maybe.’”

“Yeah and then we can meet in secret behind the school library and I’ll let you touch my boobs,” she chuckled, despite her other hand still clutching the steering wheel with white-knuckled fingers. 

“I’m okay with that. I really like your boobs.” They shared another laugh before settling into a tense silence again. After a while, Negan began fidgeting and he seemed deep in thoughts. They were almost at their destination now. “Hey, do they have a church at Alexandria?”

Lilly frowned at the thought of Father Gabriel.

“Yeah. They mostly use it for town meetings, but some people attend actual services. They even have a preacher. Most pathetic coward I have ever met. No idea how he’s still alive. Why?”

“Just curious.” 

They had left the highway and were now navigating the convoy through a suburban neighborhood. A Savior would pop out of an alleyway or wave down from a roof from time to time. Negan and Lilly had positioned several lookouts between the Sanctuary and Alexandria, not to mention the small army of men stationed all around the safe zone, all armed to the teeth.

“We’re here,” Lilly finally said after turning into a long street, lined with dilapidated houses. They could see the big metal gate at the end now, where several walkers tried to squeeze their mushy heads between the metal bars.

Seth’s truck in front of them slowed down until it stopped right in front of the entrance to Lilly’s former community.

“Seriously? They just let those biters play at their fucking doorstep?” Negan reached behind Lilly’s seat to get Lucille.

“They don’t do regular cleanings of the area. Sometimes they stab them through the bars.”

“Well, fuck me… looks like they need a fucking Savior.” Negan winked at her before his face fell. Lilly knew she looked like hell. She was absolutely terrified. “Are you okay?” he asked for what was probably the thirtieth time today.

“I think I’m gonna puke.”

Negan put Lucille between his legs, took her face into his hands and smiled at her.

“Lilly, I know you can do this. You’re a fucking badass and those fuckers should be afraid of you. Not you of them. Now I’m gonna go get us in and you wait until I come get you and do me a fucking favor and take a couple of deep breaths. Okay?”

Lilly did exactly that, sighed and nodded slightly, trying to give him a smile. He lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers, softly, as if asking for permission. But Lilly didn’t want soft right now. She wanted hard and true, making sure he was there with her. Her tongue and teeth made him gasp in surprise and when she broke the kiss, he grinned at her.

“Thanks! A semi is just what I need to deal with these assholes. Best fucking energy source in the world.”

Lilly chuckled and nodded towards the door. “Off you go then, Mr. Superpenis.”

He laughed, took Lucille and jumped out of the truck.

Lilly wound down the window on her left to at least hear what was going on at the gate while biting her bottom lip bloody and ripping an ever bigger hole into her jeans.

“Little pig, little pig! Let me in!”

Lilly snorted. Leave it to Negan to make fun of an extremely tense situation. It was his way of dealing with the stress, at least when others were around. When she and him were alone, which usually meant they were naked, he was different. Still funny, but without the mask he wore in the company of others. She knew that he relished these moments when he could give up leadership for a couple of hours and let Lilly take control, both emotionally and sexually. Who would have thought that the giant leader of the Saviors was so submissive in bed, Lilly thought, grinning to herself.

She snapped back to reality when the smaller truck in front of her sprung to life and she followed Seth through the gates and parked next to him. 

Her heart beating rapidly in her chest, she slid down in her seat a bit and took her first look of Alexandria Safe Zone in almost two years.

They had expanded the community on two sides, one on the right, the other in the back. The changes on the pre-existing houses were subtle, but Lilly noticed them as if they had been painted in bright red.

A repaired roof here, different curtains there, new furniture on Barbara’s porch. Still no greenhouses, Lilly thought indignantly.

“Motherfucking, cocksucking magnificent! Wow!”

Lilly’s gaze broke away from the streets and houses she knew so well and found Negan strutting in front of her truck, looking over and commenting on the, admittedly impressive, community. Then, a very familiar back came into view, wearing a very familiar jacket, holding Lucille.

A power play, she thought and strained her ears to catch the conversation between her lover and her former leader.

“How many you got here?”

“Forty-nine-- forty-eight.”

A pang of guilt shot through Lilly at the thought of Glenn. It was quickly replaced by anger when her eyes wandered in the direction of her and Jax’s former house.

“No shit? And you gotta have like twenty houses here. I bet you’ve even got a few of these fuckers empty, don’t you? Of course you do. It’s an embarrassment of riches, as they say.” Negan turned around, now facing the truck and Rick, who was holding Lucille as if the bat would take a bite out of his remaining hand any moment. “Yes, Sir. I do believe you’ll have plenty to offer up.” He looked up to her and grinned before addressing Rick again. “It’s the least you can do after what you did to my people.”

“Your people?” Rick’s head finally snapped up. “You mean those savages who tried to rob us?”

“Yeah, that was a stupid decision on their part.” Negan shrugged. “I guess they didn’t know that the punishment for it would be death, Officer Asshole Grimes.”

“How do you know…”

“Remember when people used to go to like Cancun, or Vegas or some shit and there you are, all relaxed, scratching your balls, having a good fucking time, and suddenly BAM there’s Joe from accounting, raising his  piña fucking colada to you, going ‘Isn’t it a small world?’ and your nice fucking holiday just got fucking ruined, because all you wanted was to get away from assholes like him for a couple of days and that’s why you slaved away every day for hours, working your fucking ass off, so you could afford fucking Cancun, or Vegas?”

Negan started to walk backwards, towards the truck.

“Any-fucking-way… if the world has been small before, think about how tiny it is nowadays, with so few people left in it. Think about how we need each and every fucking one of them, especially those who ain’t fucking idiots. Think about what might happen when you piss one of those few people still left off. They probably won’t go to Cancun, or Vegas. They will stay in the area, where they know their fucking way around.”

He opened the truck door and winked up at Lilly, who was still concealed from the people in the street. Negan offered his hand to her, so she could climb out, all the while continuing with his monologue.

“And one day, they might meet new people. People with a big ass community. People who are not little pussies, who feel threatened at the first sign of a differing opinion and throw them the fuck out.”

He steered Lilly to the front of the truck. She felt a little like a show pony, but this wasn’t the time to argue with Negan about how he presented her.

The gasps of surprise all around them were satisfying to hear. Many of the Alexandrians had slapped one hand over their mouths. Lilly saw Andrea taking a step towards her, before her Saviors pointed their weapons at her menacingly. Regret crept up her spine. Andrea had been her friend. Michonne, too, who cried out her name. But they had been there that day. They had killed Jax.

Lilly turned to face Alexandria’s leader. She couldn’t help it. Her hand was twitching on her gun holster, her jaw clenched, every muscle in her body painfully tense with hatred. She felt the hot imprint of a large hand softly touching the small of her back and some of the blind rage clouding her vision dissipated.

“Hello Rick.”

“Lilly…” 

The look of abject horror on Rick’s face seemed to make Negan giddy with glee. He removed his hand from her back and swung it around her shoulders, squeezing tightly.

“I’m just a sucker for a good reunion. Isn’t it a really fucking small world, Prick?”

Rick was at a loss for words. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, but no words came out.

“Surprised to see me?” Lilly had to say something, even as clichéd as that. The silence around her set her teeth on edge, especially when all she wanted to do was scream at these people. She noticed Rick’s gaze dropping and realized that she was still fiddling with her gun holster absentmindedly. She relaxed her hands and Rick’s head snapped back up.

“Yes, actually.”

“Last time we saw each other, you threatened to kill me if I ever set foot inside these gates again. Remember? Are you gonna stay true to your word, Rick?” 

What the hell was she doing, provoking him like that? What was wrong with her? 

It did have one benefit, though. The horrified faces of the other Alexandrians told her that Rick had kept the details of her and Jax’s departure conveniently to himself. Whispers and murmurs ran through the gathered crowd and Michonne’s scowl deepened even further. Of course, Negan noticed immediately.

“Oh! They don’t fucking know! Damn, Rick. That’s a huge fucking thing to keep from your community. What did you tell them, huh? That Lilly and Jax just up and left one day, because they didn’t agree with how you were running things around here?” Rick’s eyes widened and another wave of murmurs flowed through the Alexandrians. Negan addressed Lilly now. “That’s not quite how it went down, right Lil? Care to fill in the details?”

Lilly raised her voice. “Rick and Abraham put a gun to my head in the middle of the night and told me to leave and never come back.”

The whispers turned into confused and in some instances outraged talking. Even though Lilly had butted heads with some people in her old community, she had still been generally well-liked. Or so she thought.

“So first thing you do is join this asshole who steals from other communities?” The boy had grown a lot in the past two years. But the hat and the feisty attitude remained the same. Lilly couldn't conceal the frown when her eyes found the bandage wrapped around his head before she schooled her face into a smile.

“Hi Carl. Good to see you again.”

“You should all go home. Before you learn just how dangerous we are.”

“Pardon me, young man, and fucking excuse the shit out of my goddamn French… but did you just threaten us?” Negan leaned down to look the little boy in the eyes. He was smiling, but his tone conveyed that he was not amused about the kid’s attitude. “That sounded like a threat, but I like to be damn sure when it comes to these kind of things.” 

“Carl, go back to the house. Now.”

“I’m in the middle of a fucking conversation here. Don’t be rude.” Negan turned back to Carl. Lilly’s eyes stayed on Rick. She knew what could happen if someone threatened his son. “Now, boy… where were we? Oh, yeah… your giant fucking man-sized balls. I might not have heard you clearly. What were you saying again?”

Carl stared back at the man who was three times his size, his posture and clenched jaw all Rick and flared nostrils probably his mother’s. The silence was luckily enough for Negan.

“That’s better. Now listen to your daddy and run the fuck along.” Carl surprisingly did as he was told and shuffled to one of the porches close-by, his hands deep in his pockets and proceeded to glower at Negan and Lilly from a rocking chair. “Cute kid.” Negan grinned before turning to Rick and the others again. “Listen prick. I know we started off on the wrong foot. I didn’t want to kill your friend… you forced our fucking hands.”

“Did you know?” Andrea couldn’t hold back anymore and stepped forward for the second time, looking straight at Lilly. The Saviors pointed their weapons at her again, but Lilly motioned for them to let Andrea talk. “He killed Glenn. Executed him with that sick bat of his. He was your friend, Lilly.”

More guilt and rage. 

“Yes. He was my friend. Emphasis on ‘was’. What about Jax, Andrea? He was your friend, too, right? Everyone here loved him.”

“What are you…”

“You killed him. Those men on motorcycles you encountered on the road. One of them was Jax.” Hot tears threatened to run down her cheeks and it only made her anger worse. She’d rather die than show weakness in front of these people. Lilly wished she could just turn around and bury her face against Negan’s neck, only for a moment to calm herself down. But he had been adamant not to let these people know that they were more than just a community leader and his lieutenant. 

“No.” Andrea looked stricken and both Rick and Michonne were equally horrified.

“You think we are the monsters for killing Glenn?” Lilly’s voice rose and almost broke. “You drive around, slaughtering people because you think you’re the good guys. But those people didn’t hurt you. And they have friends. Families.”

“They tried to rob us-”

“And you dish out the death penalty for that, Officer Grimes? Those were stupid boys who wanted to help their community to not starve half to death this winter like the last one. I’m not saying what they did was right, but they didn’t deserve to be butchered in the middle of the street like that.”

Rick looked at his feet for a moment and Lilly hoped that he was ashamed of himself for once in his life. Then his eyes found hers again with that annoying jaw of his clenched in defiance.

“What you did to the Hilltop-”

“The Hilltop?” Lilly was yelling now. “Are you kidding me, Rick? I know you’ve been there. I know you’ve met their leader. Those idiots would be dead by now if we didn’t help them. You have no right to judge us for our arrangement with them. You had no right to kill those men. To kill Jax. You had no right!”

It took all her will-power not to either jump towards Rick and hurt every inch on his body, or to turn around and run to the truck to hide. Lilly finally felt Negan’s hand on her shoulder, his thumb stroking gently over her tense muscles.

“Alright, that’s enough. You assholes know now why we’re here. You killed our brothers. Fate has it that Lilly here knew you and what your community has to offer. You fucked with the wrong guys. Tough titties. Now… I’m going to have a look around while my people load up the trucks. Babe, you gonna give me the grand fucking tour?”

Lilly sniffed and nodded, desperate to get away from these people who were looking at her with either pity or hatred.

Andrea and Michonne both looked like they wanted to talk to her more, but Rick shook his head no to them. Her leader put his arm around Lilly’s shoulders again and steered her down the main road, talking in a low voice to her when they were out of earshot.

“You okay, babe? I thought you’d rip that prick’s dick off for a second there.”

“I shouldn’t be here, Negan. This was a bad idea. Those people hate me and I hate them. I don’t want you or anyone else to get hurt.” The tears finally came now that she was alone with Negan.

He let go of her and stopped to turn to her in front of the church. Lilly wanted to at least grab his hands so bad.

“You belong by my fucking side today. We’re showing these fuckers how strong we are and what happens when they fuck with us. You did well just now. Showing Rick’s people just how much of an asshole he really is? I saw their faces and they weren’t happy with those revelations. Rick is much more likely to keep his fucking head down and do as I say when his people bust his balls about it. And then I can punish the ball busting and show everyone how much of a benevolent fucking leader I am, helping Rick keep order and shit.” He grinned at her and she couldn’t help but smile at the level of foresight he was showing. “Now, how about we start at your old house? Maybe there’s still stuff around you wanna take to the Sanctuary. You didn’t have much time to pack your belongings when that asshole kicked you out, after all.”

Lilly turned to the house at the end of the street where she and Jax had lived together for a year. Where they had been happy. Mostly. She started walking and Negan followed right behind her. She could tell from afar that the house had remained empty after their departure. The porch looked like it would disintegrate any moment and the windows were blind. Lilly felt another pang of annoyance. Why didn’t they keep all the houses in good shape in case people needed them?

She carefully stepped over the porch and opened the unlocked front door. A quick glance told her that everything was still the way she and Jax had left it. She turned around to make sure that Negan didn't fall through the planks, but he had already closed the door behind them. His hands grabbed her head and his lips came crashing  down on hers as if he was a man starving. 

Lilly was so surprised for a moment that she didn’t know if she should be happy or annoyed about him attacking her like that. His tongue on hers soon made her forget everything around her, though and she responded enthusiastically.

“You were so fucking awesome out there,” Negan all but growled against her lips in between kisses, “When you made that prick shut up, calling him Officer Grimes, god…” He bit and licked her neck now. “...I almost came in my fucking pants.”

Lilly snorted before she took a look around over Negan’s massive shoulders. He had somehow managed to steer them both into the kitchen, where she was now pressed against the counter. His hands roamed over her chest, hips, grabbed her waist, then her ass and tried to lift her up. She grabbed his arms and tried to untangle herself from him.

“Hey, calm down, soldier! What the hell are you doing?”

“Trying to fuck you. What does it look like?” He grinned and was about to dive down again, but she side-stepped and put some distance between herself and Negan. His face fell and for a moment, Lilly felt bad.

“Negan, we’re kind of in the middle of something here.”

“What? Seth is coordinating everyone loading the trucks. He knows what to look out for. Wouldn’t it be really fucking satisfying to know we fucked right under Rick’s nose in one of his houses?”

“Okay, one: you seem weirdly obsessed with Rick.” He opened his mouth, frowning, but she didn’t let him speak.  “And two: you’re the one who wanted to keep our relationship a secret. That’s going to be hard if we get caught fucking on my old kitchen counter.”

“I can be quiet.”

“Uuuuh… no, you can’t.”

Negan shrugged and was about to say something else, when they heard shouting from one of the buildings nearby. They looked at each other and then both bolted for the door and outside, where Lilly saw Heath and Rick running to the infirmary. They followed and were met with the resident doctor, Denise, holding Rob from the western outpost at gunpoint and demanding he put back the box of medicine.

Negan tried to defuse the situation by convincing her that he had only taken half of their drugs, even if the Saviors’ half contained nothing but morphines.

Lilly frowned. She didn’t know what Negan was trying to accomplish by taking all the serious pain meds from the Alexandrians. They could leave some of the stuff for them. But she wouldn’t start an argument with Negan in front of these people. 

Her frown deepened when Negan threatened Rick and the others and she turned to leave, not trusting herself entirely not to say something after all.

She was met by Seth and accompanied him to the trucks to see what the Saviors had taken.

“Whole bunch of mattresses, some furniture, meds. Negan told us to leave the food here.” Seth explained, obviously not happy with his leader’s decision.

“We have enough food.” Lilly muttered absentmindedly while watching Negan strolling back towards them, Lucille in his hand and a shit eating grin on his face. She turned around to the men and women waiting by the trucks and yelled, “All right, that’s it. Wrap it up and let’s go home!”

Negan winked at her and proceeded to climb into the Bust-A-Move truck. Lilly turned around again to have another look at her old community. She didn’t know when the next time would be that she would come here, if ever. Now that she was about to leave again, she felt like she should have done more, maybe talked to some people, like Andrea and Carl. But both were nowhere to be seen. Lilly sighed.

“Did you tell him to kill Glenn?”

Lilly turned to her former leader. He looked tired, older than she remembered him.

“I asked him not to hurt any kids, but it was his decision in the end.”

“I should have killed you when I had the chance.”

Lilly chuckled. “Yeah, that’s always your go-to solution for everything, isn’t it?”

“You don’t seem to have any qualms about killing people when he is doing it.”

“That was retaliation for Jax, Rick. A kill for a kill. Actually, since you murdered three of our people, you’re lucky Negan convinced us to only take one of yours.”

“Yeah, he sounds like a real-”

“Look, I’m not here to convince you of Negan’s leadership qualities. You thought you could solve your problems with violence, once again, and you finally got burned, as I told you you would eventually.” The hatred in Rick’s eyes told her that she hit the mark. “What happened to Carl's eye?” 

“He got shot. It was an accident.”

Lilly felt bad. She had always liked the boy. They had gotten along well up until now. 

Their little exchange of grievances was interrupted by Negan sticking his head out of the passenger side window.

“Lil? You fucking coming, or what? This field trip was nice and all, but I really wanna go home and fucking finish what I started earlier.” He smirked at her and she couldn’t help but grin.

“A word of advice Rick. You should give Negan what he wants. He can be very… persistent.” And without deigning him another look, Lilly ran up to the truck, climbed in and followed the convoy, the anxious knot in her belly untangling with every mile she put between herself and Alexandria.


End file.
